Am I crazy

[Slowlylosingmymind123]

Sorry this is a long one...last April I wrote a thread about a guy I dated for 3 months. If I could have built my perfect man it would of been him, perfect gentleman and swept me off my feet. 1. Red flag...he still lived with his ex (son doing GCSE year and didn't want to disrupt him)
I'd been single a year after leaving a extremely mentally abusive 12 year relationship and was over the moon to meet someone so great. Our last date was amazing, bonfire on the beach with a picnic of my favourite foods, wine and even bought me a blanket.
After that date he became quiet. He said he was working 14hr days, son and ex were stressing him out. I said shall we leave it and he said no I should be ok to date, this went on about 2weeks. I was going to devon and asked if he wanted to come, he said yes so I booked and paid for it. Text him the day before to finalise plans and he ghosted me. I sent him a message saying how disappointed I was and a week later he text saying sorry but he was depressed. That was that. Feel like I should add we never slept together but it was definitely on the cards for next time we met.
I was gutted! Been struggling with MH for years (depression, ADHD, OCD and very low self esteem)Stupidly stopped taking meds and I had a breakdown. 6 weeks off work, constant crying and bought up the old pain from previous relationship. During that time I drunk text him (some very embarrassing stuff) we became sort of mates but it hurt too much so I said I couldn't talk to him-then I missed him so text him. He ignored it and I tried to sort myself out and move on.
Cut to September he texts me out of the blue saying sorry for how he treated me and it still bugged him. I asked why it bugged him and he ignored me.
This completely messed my head up again. I didn't contact him but in November was feeling very lonely and down. I called him. He didn't know who I was at first then seemed surprised I'd called then spent the next 25 mins ranting about his ex calling her a narcissist and saying how he'd finally moved out because she was going around saying he was abusive. I text him again in December and he ignored me.
Reading this back I feel so stupid! My friends say he loved bombed me but he didn't text all day non stop-usually just every evening, he never rang me and didn't try to hurry the 'relationship' along. I have however thought of other red flags...both exs were described as 'crazy', never heard him say anything nice about a woman, snapped at me once because I asked him what he liked about his appearance and he listed 1 thing and I said 3 about me. Sneered at me once. Couldn't book a restaurant I picked but worked first time for me and when we arrived adamant we sat at the back. Also my behaviour changed around him (not intentionally) I became arrogant (which I really am not!) and sarcastic. Maybe nerves?
The worst part is despite all of that I still want him! I see the red flags but don't understand because they don't match with the otherwise considerate, kind, wonderful man I met. I blame myself and think I messed up the last date. Don't understand how he could be so into me then drop me. I feel pathetic for chasing him and extremely ashamed of my behaviour and embarrassed that I'm this upset over someone I only knew for 3 months and didn't sleep with. I'm back on my meds and in counselling. Tried dating but compare everyone to him and realised I'm way to unstable and depressed to date.
Its clear he doesn't want me yet I fight the urge to text him everyday! Dating him was the only happiness I've felt in 6 years, it gave me hope again.
Now though I'm just so low again, feel worthless and scared I'm going to have another breakdown. I just feel so broken and want to get over this so I can concentrate on building my self esteem and get my life back. My job and friendships have have seriously suffered. Deleted his number but I know its backed up on my laptop and trying so hard not to text.
Does anyone have any thoughts? Anyone been through similar or am I just crazy? I flit between thinking he's a t*at or maybe I scared him away ( I think he had low self esteem too)
Please be honest but kind
I'm sorry this post is so long. Thank you for reading

The harsh truth, and you know this, is although he is some way interested, he’s not interested enough. And you deserve someone who’s interested enough not to be cancelling plans and show up for you. Stop mourning who you want him to be, cause he isn’t and no amount of project work will change that. Maybe face the reality, write down who you hoped he was, but clearly isn’t. And try and let go? I think you’re chasing a dream of his potential, rather than who he actually is? . and look after yourself with people who really love you. Sort out some counselling, meditation, reiki, whatever it takes to allow you to enjoy your life.. hugs, I hope you find peace soon.. when you’re feeling stronger, maybe then you’ll be more able for dating.. but I don’t think now is the time..

This sounds pretty messy, only three months but there's a lot of conflict and angst in there, from both of you. I wonder if that's what's keeping you a bit hooked, the anxious unsafe element of it can be a draw for some, especially with self esteem issues.

No, you're not crazy, OP, but you are extremely vulnerable and not in a good place.

I agree with the PP that you allowed yourself to fall in love in the idea of this man, rather than the reality. You say this was your only happiness in a long time, and it sounds to me as if you pinned all your future hopes on this man you barely knew rather than on yourself. That's not because you're crazy, it's because you were in pain and looking for something to remedy it. Unfortunately, you picked the wrong thing and it's made you feel worse temporarily.

I'm glad to hear you're back on meds and in counselling, hopefully you'll start to feel some improvement soon.

Just sending you a big hug. He is not the one. I understand your pain and your story resonated but only because I can also display unhealthy behaviours due to past trauma.
focus on yourself. He is not the solution. He will never give you what you need. Real happiness is out there. You are not crazy but be careful not to make any more crazy decisions. This will only lead to more pain.

You need to do some reading on trauma bonds. I dated someone exactly like this for a few months and it was a disaster but I was hooked. Once I’d realised the cycle I was in, I went on to find a wonderful genuine man.

He's still living with his wife/partner, I wouldn't actually call her his ex, you only have his word for that.

I wouldn't believe anything he says actually, his partner probably knows you have been chasing him, wives arn't stupid, your texts are probably creating the hell he's in and it's his fault for encouraging you.

He sounds like a spoilt child whose on the cusp of being unfaithful because he can't get his own way at home.

I wouldn't go near this dynamic.

Thank you all.
I do think I put him on a pedestal because I couldn't believe someone so good looking, successful etc would be interested in me and I pinned so much hope on him being the person to finally bring me some happiness.