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Original poster

What is this man playing at?

18 replies

Getonnow · 09/02/2024 21:21

Recently separated, still lots to sort out, not exactly "free". Says he wants to enjoy some time being single, which I've endorsed and said he should.

He's a couple of years younger than me (50s) and an interesting and attractive man. TBH if/when he wants to date, he's not going to have any difficultly.

Meantime he's texting me, his friend, up to 30 times a day, 4/5 days a week. It is all just friendly, sometimes there are bits about what a good team we make - we do some voluntary work together and if I'm away he'll say he's missing his partner in crime etc, but there's nothing sexual or overtly flirty.

I like him and enjoy having him as a friend. If that's all he is, that's fine, but I don't have any other friends in contact like this!

OP posts:
huggyhoo · 09/02/2024 21:32

He's using you as his emotional support.

Original poster
Getonnow · 09/02/2024 21:35

Maybe, but we don't really talk about his personal issues, which I consider none of my business unless he tells me, which he doesn't

OP posts:
noooooooo · 09/02/2024 21:35

I was just coming to say - I’ve been a Placebo Girlfriend. Do you fancy him, honestly?

Original poster
Getonnow · 09/02/2024 21:38

noooooooo · 09/02/2024 21:35

I was just coming to say - I’ve been a Placebo Girlfriend. Do you fancy him, honestly?

He is objectively attractive and a nice man, who I get along with. In different circumstances, maybe, but for most of the time I've known him he's been married, so that's never been on my radar. I'm not interested in a man within weeks of a separation.

OP posts:
Ladolcevita233 · 09/02/2024 21:38

Meantime he's texting me, his friend, up to 30 times a day, 4/5 days a week.

If he's not on very friendly terms with his ex, it sounds like he's slotted you into the emotional support, listening, talk about my day etc. relationship role.

But what he's says about wanting to be single for a while is very significant.

So he's happy to "use" you for the emotional support/company role usually provided by a partner, but without any of the other benefits of being a partner. No responsibility towards you, no label, no commitment etc.

The thing about messaging and chatting is that most people won't double and triple text .... So you have control over this behaviour if you choose to take it; you just take longer and longer to respond. If he phones you don't have to answer if it doesn't suit you, you can message a polite "sorry missed your call" quite a while later. You can message back after a reasonably long interval. If you want to be super polite, just say you're busy with a,b,c.

It sounds like you're confused and perhaps liable to get upset by him insisting on using you for the support/contact rule of a partnership, but not being willing to enter into any other part of a partnership. So it would be best for you to politely withdraw from this situation so you have the level of contact that you, rightly, identify as appropriate for a friendship.

If he doesn't want a relationship/partnership, he doesn't get partnership level contact and support.

Ladolcevita233 · 09/02/2024 21:40

Getonnow · 09/02/2024 21:35

Maybe, but we don't really talk about his personal issues, which I consider none of my business unless he tells me, which he doesn't

It doesn't have to be personal.stuff, couples talk to each other about all the mundane stuff and news etc.

That's a type of intimacy in itself.

Original poster
Getonnow · 09/02/2024 21:43

Ladolcevita233 · 09/02/2024 21:40

It doesn't have to be personal.stuff, couples talk to each other about all the mundane stuff and news etc.

That's a type of intimacy in itself.

Show quote history

Yes, maybe I'm using him like that too. I'm long term single and like it that way. I have no desire for a real relationship either, but it is nice to have people in your camp.

OP posts:
Ladolcevita233 · 09/02/2024 21:45

enjoy some time being single

Cynically, to me that means - playing the field.

(Which apparently many recently separated and divorced men do .... To make up for the huge burden of having to be faithful to one woman for years 🙄Some old daters on here have encountered men who do that for years).

I think having this level of contact with someone and then finding out/being aware they are shagging/dating other women could be uncomfortable/upsetting; I'd ramp the contact way down.

He's being self indulgent and cavalier, acting like this.

Original poster
Getonnow · 09/02/2024 21:48

Ladolcevita233 · 09/02/2024 21:45

enjoy some time being single

Cynically, to me that means - playing the field.

(Which apparently many recently separated and divorced men do .... To make up for the huge burden of having to be faithful to one woman for years 🙄Some old daters on here have encountered men who do that for years).

I think having this level of contact with someone and then finding out/being aware they are shagging/dating other women could be uncomfortable/upsetting; I'd ramp the contact way down.

He's being self indulgent and cavalier, acting like this.

Edited

I'd recommend anyone coming out of a long term relationship , male or female, spent some time "playing the field". I dont see that as a bad thing. I've pretty much told him that, as a friend, when we were "normal" friends, but I agree something else is going on now.

OP posts:
Ladolcevita233 · 09/02/2024 21:51

Getonnow · 09/02/2024 21:43

Yes, maybe I'm using him like that too. I'm long term single and like it that way. I have no desire for a real relationship either, but it is nice to have people in your camp.

Show quote history

No offence but, if that's the case, why have you started a thread, asking what he's playing at?

It's just that I wouldn't have thought you'd have cared what he's playing at; if you don't want a real relationship with him or anyone. Wouldn't you just have as much or as little contact as you want, for as long s it takes him to couple up.again, after which he'll likely transfer the texts and calls onto his new partner?

DeeCeeCherry · 09/02/2024 21:54

You're a listening ear, an emotional support outlet, a sounding board. I guess you're wondering if he likes you in 'that' way. Maybe he does. But he's already clearly set his ground rules - he wants to enjoy being single. If you're up for being his bit of fun theres nothing wrong with that at all, as long as you accept thats what it is.

Original poster
Getonnow · 09/02/2024 21:54

It's unusual, I'm wondering.

I don't want anything serious from him, but I'm enjoying this friendship, which I accept is slightly unusual. Life's not back and white, surely we can question things?

OP posts:
Ladolcevita233 · 09/02/2024 21:55

when we were "normal" friends, but I agree something else is going on now

He was married and did all his chatting and getting support & company from his ex. Now he can't, so he's using you for that role/function.

Since he's made it clear he wants to enjoy being single; that's all that's going on.

Original poster
Getonnow · 09/02/2024 21:58

Ladolcevita233 · 09/02/2024 21:55

when we were "normal" friends, but I agree something else is going on now

He was married and did all his chatting and getting support & company from his ex. Now he can't, so he's using you for that role/function.

Since he's made it clear he wants to enjoy being single; that's all that's going on.

Edited

Yes OK, but when you're single you do turn to friends for that kind of support. I have quite a network who provide the support that DH did once. I'm not using them, I give back too, but things are different when you live a single life.

OP posts:
Ladolcevita233 · 09/02/2024 21:59

Getonnow · 09/02/2024 21:54

It's unusual, I'm wondering.

I don't want anything serious from him, but I'm enjoying this friendship, which I accept is slightly unusual. Life's not back and white, surely we can question things?

No offence but I don't find it unusual at all - I e had numerous men act like this towards me.

It's just convenient/a habit.

Having been married for presumably a while, he's used to having someone in that role.

You have gone along with him slotting you into it by responding to/going along with this level of contact. No-one can send 30 text messages a day if they don't get a response to any of them quickly.

I'm not criticising you, I'm just saying it has gone this way cause you've gone along with it/been amenable to it.

Ladolcevita233 · 09/02/2024 22:01

Getonnow · 09/02/2024 21:58

Yes OK, but when you're single you do turn to friends for that kind of support. I have quite a network who provide the support that DH did once. I'm not using them, I give back too, but things are different when you live a single life.

Show quote history

I should say I didn't mean "using" in a totally negative way.

Ladolcevita233 · 09/02/2024 22:09

If that's all he is, that's fine, but I don't have any other friends in contact like this!

He's a newly separated man, he's not adjusted to having no constant source of emotional support & contact yet.
It could also be his personality.

Anyway to speak.plainly - from how you've described him and from starting this thread about it, it sounds like you're not as indifferent as your first sentence above portrays.

It sounds like it would be best to ramp down this level of contact to avoid hurt. Atm it's not normal for a friendship and it sounds like you're sort of his post separation emotional crutch/substitute partner (but he doesn't want an actual partner).

huggyhoo · 09/02/2024 23:52

Just make sure, should he meet someone else, you'll feel okay if he were suddenly to reduce the contact a lot.

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