Disagreement, he is now sulking

[Marigoldsy]

Have been together with DP for about 15 months - we live together at his.

i am job hunting and saw a role come up today in a foreign country, halfway across the world. It’s always been my dream to work at least a year abroad. He wants to stay in the city he grew up and has almost always lived in (apart from short stints to study elsewhere) and has no real interest in moving elsewhere. His industry is generally focused in this city although there are definitely international opportunities.

i said to him would he mind me applying speculatively and he looked really shocked and sulked. When I asked him about it, he rhen dismissed it is as a “stupid idea” and isn’t keen to discuss it.

its clear he thinks I’m being selfish by suggesting it but equally he is being selfish by not wanting to live anywhere outside the area we currently live and in which he grew up? Who is wrong?

I’ve asked him for a calm discussion about it but I feel like it could come between us, especially the fact that he just doesn’t seem to be prepared to entertain it.

if you want this job apply for it he isn't going to change his mind he's been pretty clear on this, if you don't apply you will regret it something else will come along and he will probably sulk about that.

There is nothing wrong with him not wanting to move. He's entitled to that feeling and it wouldn't be fair to try forcing him to.

Equally, you're entitled to want to work abroad and to apply for the job.

And it;s understandable that he would be sad or hurt that you're seriously thinking of moving away.

What isn't OK is sulking. If he is giving you the silent treatment then you'd be better off away from him anyway.

Are you sure he wasn't just incredibly shocked if it was out of the blue and does he definitely realise you wanted him to go with you?

Hes also nbu to not want to entertain it

I think so because he said he didn’t want to move there

Neither of you is being selfish for knowing what you want.
He shouldn't have to uproot his life and maybe be miserable halfway across the world for someone he's known just a bit more than a year.
You shouldn't have to cast your dreams aside for him.

Nobody's wrong. Maybe you're just not compatible at this point in your life. Maybe, if you're dreaming of working abroad, you just shouldn't be in a relationship at the moment at all?

The sulking is immature on his end. But you're not very understanding towards him either. You've committed to a relationship, you've moved in, and now suddenly you're turning your whole relationship upside down because of an opportunity abroad. Honestly, I can imagine how he must be feeling and it's not easy either. Again, you're not wrong. But you're being harsh by saying he's selfish for not wanting to move.

He doesn't need to entertain any idea. He's made it clear that he doesn't want to move, which is his right. You just need to figure out of you do, meaning you'll either stay and have a chance at a relationship with him, or you go and be prepared to end the relationship over this. But don't stay for him and end up resenting him over it. You're free to go, you're just not free of the consequences of your choices.

I’m just a bit upset that he called it a stupid choice

The point you are at now is all speculation, you haven't got the job. But it's opened up a longer term potential issue.

You can now choose to settle where you are and ignore your desire to work overseas. Or you realise you need to think hard about the future.

I think it's good he had a strong reaction, at least you know 100% where you stand.

It's an immature choice of words. But you both do sound young. Am I wrong to think you're early twenties at most?

But apart from the choice of words, of course it's a stupid choice... For him.
He has a girlfriend who he propably loves. He has someone to live with. He likes to live where you live and up until recently, he's had his future mapped out.
Then you go and question everything. All of a sudden, his girlfriend might not be his girlfriend anymore, his home might not be his home anymore, his future may completely change overnight. All because of a job he never asked for in some country he doesn't even want to live in.
Can you step our of your own narrative for a moment and see that this is really hard for him as well?

I'm not saying you should stay put or you should stop dreaming. You absolutely shouldn't. But you could be a bit more understanding.

If you stay with this man he'll hold you back from your dream OP. Sounds like he won't ever want to move away, and won't want you moving either.

Also bear in mind that if you stay together and eventually have children, he probably won't want you moving back near family for support, if they live a distance away. Can you see yourself always living in this city?

lol @Hbosh early 30s but I’ll take the compliment 😉

For context this is quite a good, well-paying role in an industry I have c10 years experience in. I am a professional who spent most of my 20s studying. So not eg a gap year to Oz…

I think that is a great post to show you how he might be feeling. If my gf camehome and said that out of the blue is definitely feel like the rug had been pulled out beneath me and feel very upset myself

That's not saying youre not entitled to go for the job if that's what you want, but his reaction isn't u

It feels like you're still trying to convince us that moving is the right choice.
Why do you feel like you need to explain this to get our encouragement?

Honestly, If you wanted to go walk barefooted in the Sahara desert for a year and learn to braid camel hair, that would be fine too.
It's your life, your dream. You don't need anyone to validate that for you.
Just as your boyfriend gets to decide how he wants to live his life. And if that means staying put close to his family, then that's fine too. It just means you're not meant to be together.

Im struggling because he seems reluctant to even discuss it. I want to have a talk about it and what it means for us.

It's possible he thinks you are now breaking up with him so that might be why the reluctance

Have you discussed before that you'd like to move/go abroad or this dream new to him?

If it's been discussed before, what were his thoughts?

It’s not a stupid choice at all, he’s just gaslighting you while projecting his own feelings as he doesn’t want you to leave. OP I believe you’re going to have to choose between the job or the BF, personally if I had no kids or mortgage I would choose the job.

How long ago did you inform him of this opportunity? Have you given him time to process?

I'd say make your choice and discuss it then.
Some people don't want to discuss hypotheticals.

"Honey, I'm applying for this role and if I get accepted, then I'll be moving. I understand you don't want to move with me, and I respect that. Can we discuss how and if we move forward as a couple if this move happens? I'd like to know if we'll be breaking up or trying to have a long-distance relationship while I'm away."

Stop wasting your time and emotional energy and accept the fact that the two of you are not compatible. You want very different things, and if you give up this dream of yours to pacify him, you will have nothing but resentment.

The relationship is already over, honestly.

Don't make your life smaller for someone who'll go into sulks because you don't want what he wants. The longer you stay with someone like this, especially if/when you have children with them, the more hemmed in you will feel.

Take stock of how you want your life to be and make the jump if it's important to you - especially after such a relatively short relationship. 🌹

So what happens if you get the job?

OP, most people, even in this day & age, don't want to move to a foreign country to live or work. They just associate it with upheaval or stress, rather than stimulation or adventure. Plenty of people in the U.K don't even move from the county they were born in. So in this regard, you are the anomaly here.

He's not going to be happy with you leaving because you'll obviously be leaving him, unless you both want something long distance? Unless I was married and seriously invested in someone, there's no way I'd want to move to a foreign country unless it really worked for me as well.

Did he know that this has always been your dream? If so, then he should support you in that - that may not mean he wants to go with you but it should at least mean he's up for discussing how it could work if you do. However, if he didn't know, then it's probably come as a bit of a shock - maybe he needs a little time to process this big news. Either way, I think you should at least apply and see what happens - don't look back one day and wonder why you didn't follow your dream.

This. Apply. Dont let a sulky man hold you back.