I spoke to my abusive ex husband yesterday.....

[userzH]

And now I can't stop crying.

I haven't seen him since the end of October when he was in my home, looking through my phone for evidence on 'secret boyfriend' that didn't exist. He then left telling me he was going to kill himself and it would be my fault.

Since then, he found a new girlfriend straight away - pretty sure we over lapped but not proof. He movee straight into her home with her kids. He introduced ds to her straight away despite not seeing him for 6 weeks and confused him massively. He did this behind my back the day before Christmas Eve - so that was nice of him. Ds only sees him one day every other weekend and goes to her house. Hes 5. He doesn't have a clue who they are or what the hell is going on. He's having well being sessions at school and I'm trying to help him we much as I can.

He's paid no maintenance (however now says he will after this phone call)

He's threatened to take me to court for money i owe him.

Bad mouthed me to his daughter - my step daughter who I'm very close too.

Has been too hungover to collect ds and last weekend prioritised a trip to london with his new girlfriend instead. They both plaster everything all over social media and now in love they are - he was actually messaging me a lot in December though she doesn't know this. I was ignoring it all anyway.

He's threatened to speak to social services - though he never did and I'm already speaking to them anyway.

I filed for divorce as he kept on pressuring me to do it so I did. I asked for a clean break order in the divorce and as expected - he doesn't have a clue what to do.

Anyway my solicitors have been trying to advise him but we weren't getting anywhere. I then sent him a long email explaining what I wanted of him. I was pleasant yet firm.

Yesterday he rang me - I froze but answered. I need to get this divorce sorted out and I know it's the only way as he is useless at everything. He has not signed anything and he's over the deadline for doing so. Claims he doesn't understand any of it.

He was fine with me. Quite kind really....now I'm crying. Just needed a vent.

I'm in therapy.
I've done the freedom programme
I know what to do. I don't speak to him at all unless really necessary.

This phone call has really set me back. Especially as he was nice to me. The trauma bond is still there.

Vent away - it's good for you.
The call was obviously really unsettling - and it's totally understandable you're now upset.
You have your supports in place - use them.

So distract yourself - make some lunch, have a cup of tea, put a load of washing on. In a couple of hours you'll probably be collect your DS from school - what are you having for tea ? Check out what's on TV tonight. have you anything planned for the weekend ?- check out any activities at the library tomorrow

Crossing fingers he'll get his shit together and complete and sign what needs to be done.

You can find your balance. And it will get easier with practise

You're doing incredibly well OP, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. It's exhausting having to 'drive' a divorce with someone as useless-sounding as him, let alone doing it whilst trying to recover from abuse and deal with your own feelings/trauma bond so it's no wonder the phone call has rocked you. All you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and reminding yourself that this awful time is just that, an awful time in your life which you will get through and come out the other side of, free from his abuse.

For today I think you just need to be really kind on yourself, accept that you feel how you feel and do whatever you would do for your best mate or sister for yourself. So no negative self-talk allowed, you wouldn't berate your mate/sister for having perfectly understandable feelings so don't do it to yourself. And try to do something nice for yourself, something that will make you feel comforted. You've got this though, you've come this far and it's ok to falter now and again, you wouldn't be human if you didn't

You’re doing brilliantly, OP, and you’re allowed to feel upset after speaking to him. As PP’s have said, do something nice for yourself, talk to a friend or family member for support if you want to. 💐

The most important part is that you’re freeing yourself from this idiot. It may take a while, but he’ll be out of your life eventually.

Try to be a strategic as possible, I would be wondering about why he was pleasant to me during the phone call, it will be because he thinks\feels it's in his interests to do so, maybe he wants to keep you sweet because he needs you to be compliant. Try to stay several moves ahead of him don't get him any information that he can use against you.

I agree with pp about looking after yourself and being compassionate to yourself about what you are feeling.

I find it hard to believe he didn't understand any of it. He was offered help but didn't take it. He sounds like someone who doesn't want to understand and is just being awkward because he doesn't want to get it sorted.
He is being nice now because he wants you to believe his incompetence story and wants you to feel sorry for him.
Am I too cynical?

Thank you for the supportive comments.

Today is a day that I just have time sit in it until it passes.

The problem I think is that the person I spoke to yesterday was the person I loved. The nice version.
I honestly think I would have preferred it if he was horrible.

We currently do the handovers for ds between my mum so I don't have to see him. He told me he didn't mind this but I didn't have to be scared of him anymore and he would never hurt me - which I don't think he would but I'm not ready to see him.

He wanted to meet up so he could give me the papers for the financial order to send back to my solicitor. I'm going to give him some money for my car so he wants to give me the papers and I'll transfer the money - I'm not stupid and that won't be happening.

Then on a separate note I found out that he took his new girlfriend to London for her birthday. He never once took me away. Ever. On my last Birthday (only in September) he got us a takeaway and invited his mum over who spent the whole time talking about herself - which is all she ever does, same as him. She's very narcissistic - like mother like son.

It just made me feel shit. I know it's a new relationship and I know he's awful to be with but it still all hurts.

I don't even know if I'll meet anyone again after him.

I'm sat here thinking I still love him 💔 I honestly didn't know speaking to him again would cause this. I've been doing so well!

You may love a version of him - but it's not the full him.
He's tried to control you.
Hasn't trusted you - wanting to check your phone for secret boyfriends
Hasn't paid toward the care of his child
only sees his child briefly every other weekend
Threatened you with court and social services
has pressured you for a divorce and is now doing nothing to complete his side - more controlling behaviour.
He never treated you to nice things on your birthday

That's not a nice person.

You're feeling bad as he's spoken decently, politely to you probably for the first time in ages and it's knocked you for 6. You think you're in love with the man you imagined him to be. You're probably still mourning the relationship you thought you had - and that's bound to hurt.

It's sounds like he talked a lot during this phone conversation. You have done really well with your physical distancing, you need to start doing the same with other contact. Try to avoid phone conversations at all if you can and if you DO end up on the phone keep it short and if he goes off topic (the divorce or your child) then interrupt him and tell him if he's done with the important stuff you need to go. Alternatively simply tell him you would prefer to keep in touch via email to keep track of devorce details, date of parents evening etc etc.

The reason he is being nice is precisely BECAUSE you are doing such a good job keeping your distance. He's not getting his usual fuel/attention from you so he needs to draw you back in. Maintain the distance and hold your nerve. Read up on grey rock technique and practice what you would say to each of the points you raised. You are doing so well already!

He’ll speak kindly to get what he wants —- pay less/no child support, not pay costs of divorce, even to keep you in reserve in case new woman doesn’t work out. Contact should be through solicitors only. If he won’t engage press on without him.
Let him go to voicemail if he calls you again.
And keep a log of everything he does and doesn’t do, eg not turning up for ds due to being drunk.
Don’t think of him as the person you once loved, or thought you loved. Think of him as a piece of business that needs to be completed, then filed away.

Thank you - you are right. I won't answer again if he rings as it's just not worth this pain. I thought I'd be fine to be honest - and I was fine afterwards. It's just this morning I've woke up extremely emotional.

I just really want some sort of financial order with the divorce and the only way I know I'm going to get that is by speaking to him. He's a gambling addict too - forgot to mention that part.

He said he was going to put maintenance in my bank today. No maintenance so far.

Agreeing with pps and I think maybe look into motivational empathy, ie using your own empathy and feelings for him against you for his own gain and getting sympathy, ie supply, from you, ie poor me I don't understand it don't be hard on me.

Keep crying!! It's ok to cry it means the stress and sadness is coming out a bit. Healing is not linear you will have many more days like this ahead but slowly they'll be fewer and fewer and the sad moments will be shorter and shorter sandwiched in between lots of fun and happiness too I promise you!! I am a year and a bit ahead of you in somewhat similar situation (left during pregnancy though).

Please don't feel any jealousy to the new gf you know what a sad let down she has ahead of her when he revealea his true colours later.

Don't worry about your son- he has stability with you and can cope with one parent being weird once a fortnight. It's so unfair that you're doing all the work for him but it's much better than him going for 50/50.

Financially I think the fact that he's moved on with the new gf will only help you in the divorce as he can't say he needs housing - he has it. Poor her.

I also get it that when they're kind(er) it hurts too - it feels like 'so you DO know how to be kind, why can't you do this more often?' And also reminds you of when they were nice in the honeymoon period and you miss that fun person and that enjoyable time full of hope.

Be kind to yourself and keep venting - journaling can really help to when you can find the time. Xxx

You have a good heart and you loved genuinely so you can't just switch it off. I promise you in time you will hate him and then pity/nothing him xx

Hello, thank you so much for your post. I really appreciate it. I still feel wobbly this morning but I think I let most of my tears out yesterday. Now I can see that it was just a bad day and doesn't mean I want to run back to him - it just doesn't feel like that at the time!

I always knew what I would feel before I left. That's why I avoided it for so long. I knew he would be spiteful to me. I knew he would find someone else and the thought of it back then was unbearable. Yet I couldn't stand him and dreamed of my freedom.

Now I have my freedom and it's filled with sadness and heartbreak.

I know better days are coming. And I know the way to heal is heal alone....not run straight into the arms of someone else 🙄 he told me on the phone that he 'had to move on'. The only way for him to move on is to find someone else to fill that empty space that he can't cope with if he's alone.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum I'm glad you are having better days and can see the light at the end of the tunnel - it's good to know there is an end.

I wish you all the best xxx

Still struggling today...I'm so fed up of feeling like this.

All his behaviour and our marriage is taking over my mind. I can't get over it