Is it best to stay in a toxic or abusive relationship for the children or is it always best to leave?

[Strawberrywine1]

I ask because I feel a tremendous amount of guilt at my feet at the moment.

I left when my daughter was almost 3. I stopped contact with her and her father several months later. He just wouldn’t stop shouting at me on every pick up, he smoked weed and drank. I sought help and was advised to stop contact for her sake. It was a difficult decision as I knew it would have consequences.

He took me to court and it was almost 3 years before contact was resumed. Partly because Covid messed up the court system and partly because he was sent on a DAPP course and anger management. Contact resumed eventually very slowly.

Our daughter is suffering from the adversity. Abusive or not she went through not seeing him, me struggling after I left etc etc.

I can’t talk to him so we can mutually support her as he continues to say any damage to her is my fault. He really gave me no choice. She would have been damaged had I stayed.

Did I do the right thing? Should I have stayed and tried my best to have kept the relationship going. I was suffering mentally and physically from the toxicity that I couldn’t see it as an option.

Either way she has suffered and I have support in place for her, is that all you can do?

An abusive environment is never the best thing for the child. It teaches them abuse is ok and makes it likely to be repeated in their own lives.

No one is going to agree that it’s better to stay in an abusive relationship…

Yes but the abuse still continues. He still does the same thing only with another girl and courts deem him safe and he lies about us to her.

You did the best possible thing for your daughter. Don’t even question it.

I would have had guilt about choosing him for a father rather than for leaving.
You could try and get therapy for your child, possibly privately or if you can't then learn everything you can on supporting her and apply it. The fact you even doubt yourself for leaving and part of you believe him shows you need more counselling because it's plain for others to see.
In your place I wouldn't date and just focus on healing and supporting your child until she is much much older like late teens.

You did the right thing, don't ever doubt that. And don't feel guilt about our choosing him as a father, we rarely know someone's true colours in the early phase of a relationship. The fact that you got away is far, far more important. Sending support.
(Ps I escaped an abusive relationship and my daughter is now a very well adjusted young woman. I hope you have a happy ending too...)

@Annass of course I feel guilt for making a poor choice of father for her. I suffered neglect as a child which until I left him did not realise affected my path in life. I try not to dwell on the things I did before I knew any better, that’s a downward spiral. But leaving has exposed her to so much stress and she still despite years at court witnesses abuse with his new partner.

@bluejelly thanks. She is struggling I’m doing my best to support her. I hope it will make her stronger having gone through adversity and come out of the other end. I just wish he would stop with the lies and support her through it instead of worrying who did it.

Still no one is going to agree that you should have stayed.

@LilBus I suppose it’s damage control now, I couldn’t protect her entirely from any. I feel like I failed in that.

Op. In these situations all you can do is be the best parent in your home to your daughter. You'll never be able to control what he does, its horrible but you can't focus on it. Just be the best mum you can to your little girl, facilitate the father's contact. 9 times out of 10 the kids see it for themselves, I'm fairly sure by the time she's 12 she can articulate exactly what she will feel about him....its a fairly common situation.

I was a child whose parents stayed together for us children. As an adult now I tell my father that I wish he had left my mum years before he did but he says he thought he was doing the right thing by sticking with my mum for us. Children aren’t stupid, you can try and hide issues or abuse from them but they will know and sense it.

it is 100% better to leave and have to deal with the smaller issues you’re now facing rather than to have stayed and let your child witness horrific things and grow into an adult with warped views on relationships.

@Whattodo112222 I know I try. She must be so confused poor thing. The school are doing there best to help her with her emotions as she’s struggling. It’s just this rubbish that he tells her all the time about why I stoped contact and it was all about me being this jealous terrible mum and him the victim and hero at court. I actually hated making and enforcing it but I felt I had little choice. I don’t get involved and tell her we think differently and things are rarely black and white then carry on just being mum.

@SKG231 I understand what you are saying but they aren’t small issues, she is really struggling and it’s so sad to witness. But I suppose she is going through big issues with a competent and loving mum instead of the mess when we were together.

What contact does she have with him?

Every other weekend and half the holiday now.