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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do I give up?

9 replies

Saa15 · 08/02/2024 23:36

Hi I am just looking for some advice...

So the back story is I met my dream man nearly 3 years ago, everything was perfect I thought I was living in a dream. He proposed after 9 months and we set a date for our wedding (May 2024).

Partner really pushed for a child which I was really unsure of as I had been a single mother to my 12 year old since he was 3 months old. He promised me the world, said that this time would be different and he would never leave me and our child. I agreed and got pregnant pretty quickly. Whilst pregnant he persuaded me that we should buy a house near his family so they could help with childcare. I really wasn't sure about uprouting my older son but agreed after a lot of heartache taking my son out of a school he loved. My son hated me at first for making him move but soon made friends and started to love the area Personally I found the move very difficult as I was living in a place I didn't know anyone but partner and his family.

Pregnancy progressed and although I seen a slight change in partners behavior I.e going out a lot more but on the whole I had a very happy pregnancy and felt supported.

Fast forward to baby being born, the first few months we were in a blissful bubble then my partner done a complete 360. His mood changed, he never wanted to be in the house, he become so abrupt with me and we constantly bickered mainly about me being left with the baby all the time and doing all the chores. He did assure me countless times that he loved me and when we had free time together we always had fun. On top of all this I had PND and felt so isolated especially on mat leave as it would just be me and the baby all day everyday. Just to add our daughter is very difficult, health problems (nothing major) and very clingy. I think we both got a massive shock at how hard it was. He has also admitted that he's not himself and could be depressed and wants to see someone professional.

Baby is now 1 and 6 weeks ago out of the blue he decided to up and leave, said he can't take no more of our relationship and canceled our upcoming wedding 😔 I havent seen him since but we have communicated via text and he is still seeing our daughter regularly (pick up and drop offs at nursery). I decided to give him some space at first but contacted him last week to see where his head was at. He has said he is no longer in love with me and he is 100% done with our relationship and a lot happier without me. I am absolutely heartbroken 💔 I have gave this man absolutely everything. Yes we have had some tough times over the past year but I put it all down to having a baby and major life changes. I just can't beleive he has given up so easily! We haven't tried anything to put things right but he isn't willing to. A part of me just thinks he is going through something although he assures me he is 100% checked out. He really isn't a bad guy and has a heart of gold so I can't beleive/understand this is all happening. My question is do I just give up and accept the relationship is over? Do I give him more space and hope he changes his mind? Or do I do something else? I really don't want our family to be broken and think this is something that can be fixed if we are both willing especially since the pressures of a wedding is now gone. I'm so confused.

OP posts:
Jillybloop393 · 08/02/2024 23:42

Hi. I'm so sorry - you must be devastated 😢.
I suppose there's no harm in giving him some time, and then seeing if perhaps he'll come to marriage guidance/counselling with you. Sadly he sounds like he's made up his mind though. Do you think he maybe has someone else?

Watchkeys · 08/02/2024 23:46

People with a heart of gold don't do what he's done.

Give up the relationship, and your fantasy of who he is. It's not reality. In reality, he has manipulated you to where he wanted you, then dropped you. It's really really shitty. If he changes his mind, it's your turn to terminate anything before it starts.

So sorry Flowers

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 08/02/2024 23:47

I'm so sorry OP. I really do feel for you.

You can't control him, maybe give him space and see how things go but you need to prepare yourself mentally for being alone with your lovely children. It sounds as though he may be quite stressed/freaked out somewhat after baby was born

Saa15 · 08/02/2024 23:49

Jillybloop393 · 08/02/2024 23:42

Hi. I'm so sorry - you must be devastated 😢.
I suppose there's no harm in giving him some time, and then seeing if perhaps he'll come to marriage guidance/counselling with you. Sadly he sounds like he's made up his mind though. Do you think he maybe has someone else?

I really don't think there is anyone else, although he was out alot I always knew where he was, I would get pictures and video calls from him constantly. Now he is living with family who I have a great relationship with and they have said they are 100% certain there is no one else.

OP posts:
MariaLuna · 08/02/2024 23:50

he assures me he is 100% checked out. He really isn't a bad guy and has a heart of gold so I can't beleive/understand this is all happening.

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP. You will survive. Take it from me as a solo mum.

BUT. He really does not "have a heart of gold'. He's a cruel man to do this to you.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/02/2024 23:51

I'm very sorry that this has happened, but it is absolutely for the best. Sadly, you ignored several very blatant red flags from the very beginning, and the way things have ended is no surprise. I'm actually amazed you've gotten off this easy.

Move on, op, and never look back. Take a lot of time to reflect before entering another relationship.

Watchkeys · 08/02/2024 23:53

Aquamarine1029 · 08/02/2024 23:51

I'm very sorry that this has happened, but it is absolutely for the best. Sadly, you ignored several very blatant red flags from the very beginning, and the way things have ended is no surprise. I'm actually amazed you've gotten off this easy.

Move on, op, and never look back. Take a lot of time to reflect before entering another relationship.

There's nothing like a 'You should have seen that coming!' kick, when you're down, @Saa15 , eh?

Jeez.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/02/2024 23:55

Watchkeys · 08/02/2024 23:53

There's nothing like a 'You should have seen that coming!' kick, when you're down, @Saa15 , eh?

Jeez.

If the op isn't made aware of the red flags she missed, and if she doesn't take the time to appreciate his behaviour for what it was, she will continue to choose controlling and abusive men. I'm not kicking anything, it's the truth.

Watchkeys · 09/02/2024 00:00

@Aquamarine1029 The truth is, my post was for OP, not you.

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