Relationship Counselling, positive stories?

[Goblinmodeactivated]

Just that really. My husband thinks it signifies death knell for our relationship, I think it could help us get back on track. Wondering if anyone has positive experiences of couples/marriage counselling?

We did some relationship counselling quite early on in our relationship. The counsellor said that most people arrive at her doors by the time it's too late. I'm so glad we did it when we did. We had only been together a year and had a late MC. It was so worth it as it really helped cement us. We've been together maybe 9 years now and have no issues. I'm not sure it would work after the rot has set in.

I think it's only the ‘death knell’ if you're going to therapy at the point your relationship is beyond repair, in which case not much can be done. If thats not the case, then going to marriage counselling to grow and improve your relationship is (to me) like taking your car for a service, it's about maintenance and improvement. I've been to marriage counselling several times in my marriage and never because our marriage was in deep trouble, but because we felt like there we room to improve how we communicated. We've managed to break out of some repetitive arguments and to better get the our needs met.

So yes, I think it can be really valuable but it's not a magical solution and unfortunately can't always help relationships that have tipped past the point of no return.

Thanks good to know

A friend of mine was a counsellor for many years and said the fact is so many people go when it's far too late. However lots of people go when they have been through some stuff and both want to work on stuff and it really helps. We went because we'd had a rough decade, my disability going through a very rough patch, his work giving him a breakdown and the birth of our son which had brought both these things to the fore. We went for about 6 months and it really helped us both with our communication and how to support each other. It's about 3 years since we did it now, and I am still grateful for all the help we received. We are still in a much better place than before we went. We also had individual sessions as well which helped us with our own personal histories etc. I really recommend it.

Sounds positive thanks. I hope it’s not too late. I dont think so, but it feels abit scary admitting to needing help.

I think if you have to go for counselling, then most times, you're not supposed to be together.

@B1rd I don't agree with this at all. Every couple has things they could do better and improve on in a relationship. Sometimes we have enough self-reflection to see if for ourselves and sometimes other things in life get in the way and we find it hard to see and that’s when counselling can be great. The opportunity to talk openly and honestly and a good therapist will guide you to actively listen to each other and encourage you to see things from different perspectives and be accountable for how to react to certain things. Often the biggest positive changes, came from acknowledging and being mindful of certain behaviours and working on how better to approach things. How to understand better how your reaction to something impacts your partner and how just being more mindful of what you say and how you say things, can give you the positive outcomes you came to therapy to get.

That’s a really helpful reflection thank you. I do think it’s a case of after a very long time together and a stressful period recently we’ve kind of lost our way with communicating with each other when we don’t agree, and hoping it will be space to think about those difficulties from each others perspective and how to be more mindful of the impact we can have on each other in those moments.

I'm a couples counselor, so I'll try to give my perspective.

I have several different kinds of couples coming to me. Obviously everyone has a different story, but in general I have:

• The couple where one (or both) have already checked out, all trust and love is gone or they have started perceiving each other as the enemy, rather than a partner. They come to therapy to either get an outsiders approval to get a divorce, or to convince their therapist of how aweful their partner is. They put more effort in blaying the blame game than working towards a better future. Those couples end up breaking up more often than not

• A couple where there's some form of undetected abuse or controling behaviour, which is reïnforced by the mental fragility/low self esteem of the other partner who has come to accept that he/she is the problem rather than the abuser or the abusive behaviour. I will generally try to refer both to individual counseling first before dealing with them as a couple. Most of the time, when the abused partner regains some strength but the abuser doesn't gain any insight, they end up breaking up - and rightfully so.

• The couple with a lot of history and a lot of pain and disappointment towards each other, but still want to try to make things work, even if it means taking ownership of the things they need to do differently from now on. For these couples it all depends on how much they want to better the relationship and how hard they are willing and able to compromise. These are the couples I can do the best work with and who make the biggest progress, if they really commit to it.

• The couple who hasn't yet had a lot of issues, but know they both carry around some unhealed childhood trauma and want to prevent this from doing damage to the relationship. These are my favourite people! Prevention is so much easier than fixing what's broken.

Obviously in my line of work, I'm a firm believer in therapy. Sometimes therapy helps people realise they are better off breaking up, and that's okay too.

Thanks so much I really appreciate your insight, that’s really helpful. I’m pretty sure we’re the third, there’s pain & disappointment on both sides, but definitely don’t think either of us has checked out and both want to make it work, we’ve both got work to do for sure in terms of owning things, doing better and in particular compromise.
I’m so grateful that you’ve posted!

Positive story from me (and I'd never have thought it). Trouble is, I think you both have to 'buy into' the process to some degree. I don't think it would have worked if I'd have had to drag my husband along (or vice versa). But he was actually (to my surprise) keen.

It's no panacea, but has given us some tools....and me a bit more self confidence.

One thing that worked for us was for both of us to identify a therapist who we liked.

We went to a therapy session many years ago. Just the one session where she tried to explain his point of view to a third person and when he said the words out loud he realised how unreasonable they were (or he didn’t want to continue to pay for the sessions). It must have been 17 or 18 years ago now and we’re still married. Of course there have been ups and downs but we are each others biggest cheerleader, we make each other laugh every day and are happily married.

Thanks for the reassuring stories! Starting to feel a bit less scared