Every man I've ever been with in my life...

[onluorange]

Has never treated me well..
Please hear my out and help me break the cycle.
I'm 50. I consider myself to be decent, caring, generous, loyal and caring.
I can also be abrupt, maybe too honest at times and impatient sometimes also.
My first love used me. I worked, he was a student. I had money so we had a good life on me . He didn't respect me and I enabled that. He finally dumped me .
I then married a man who had no interest in being a husband or father as it turned out. He was sexually coercive , silent and again I ended up being left for OW. Left with three kids, two with SEN.
After that I had a two year relationship with a lazy man child who was venturing into cocklodger territory. I finished with him for being an asshole towards my child one evening. He still badmouths me for being unreasonable and too emotional about my child.
I am currently doing a programme which aims to deprogramme previous behaviours that have led to my difficulties in my life eg overweight, inactive, unfit etc.
and this issue has raised its ugly head so I think it's a good time to look at it.
I think I thought I couldn't do any better. Maybe that's the crux of it.
I didn't value myself enough r put a worth on me so I accepted the crumbs.
How can I make sure this doesn't happen again please?
I've done counselling.. I remember one day my counsellor, rather bemused , said to me ...' Orange.. do you realise you've been badly let down?' She seemed to get the impression that because I wasn't angry r wailing after my husband left, that it hadn't hit me. Or that in wasn't reacting like a normal person.
Maybe I was relieved. I know I felt like that sexually anyway.
Please help me .

I'm really sorry you've been treated so badly OP.
I am a similar age to you and have been single for a long time now after an unhappy marriage.
The short answer I think is to learn to be content without a partner, and accept that it is far better to be happy on your own than in a relationship with someone who does not treat you well.

Put your energy into looking after yourself and your kids, and positive relationships with friends and family. I get so much love and support from my kids and my friends, and none of them cause me the stress that men have.

I had money so we had a good life on me

and

He was sexually coercive , silent

and

two year relationship with a lazy man child

So, How can I make sure this doesn't happen again please... as soon as you realise that someone is sponging or coercing or lazy, or anything else that you, personally, don't enjoy, you leave. You construct any relationships in the future to include the knowledge that, at any time, you would be able to walk away. You can commit, you can trust, you can love, but you refuse to be mistreated. So you don't have to be careful who you meet, or worry about whether they're the right person for you, or whether the relationship will work long term etc... you only stay with someone who treats you in a way that makes you feel good, consistently. It's like that story about the mad who walked on a path with broken glass, and he had to be so careful, in his bare feet, everywhere he trod, he might get hurt, and he was constantly looking for signs and indications of where there might be, it occupied all his time and energy just to not get hurt. But then he decided to get some shoes, and protect himself constantly, so that he could relax and walk where he liked, confident that he was well protected.

That's you: no shoes. But to fix it, you don't have to worry about how to spot the bad stuff. You just have to have appropriate boundaries against it, because it's always there.

"I think I thought I couldn't do any better. Maybe that's the crux of it.
I didn't value myself enough r put a worth on me so I accepted the crumbs."

I think that may well be the crux of it.

"How can I make sure this doesn't happen again please?"

Only date someone who interests YOU (not someone just because they showed an interest - that's the accepting crumbs thing).

As soon as they do or say something that feels 'off' to you, question it (it might have been a misunderstanding). BUT, if their explanation doesn't sit right with you (eg. no apology, get huffy or they try to turn it round on you being too sensitive or whatever and carry on doing it) then alarm bells should ring and you should remove yourself from the relationship.

If you have to change anything about you in order to get a guy or keep him then you're not compatible.

As my granny used to say - "have the courage of your convictions". In other words, believe in yourself and don't be afraid to say no, stop or goodbye if it doesn't suit you.

I'm the same age as you. I had several relationships with tossers, till I realised that it wasn't me, it was them. I just wasn't chucking them back in the sea quick enough. So I stopped trying to fix people and just ditched any wrong uns ASAP.
Found Mr Right two years later

I've got a miserable face when resting which I believe draws abusers male and female towards me because they think I'm vulnerable. I'm not . I tend to attract Narcs too . I used to think it was me because I'm so unlikable but then I had an ephithany. It's not me it's them . If I'm so unlikeable then they can just stay away can't they ? I think they get a surprise when they get pushback and told no . Surprised that yes I'm not stupid and surprised that yes I do know my own mind .

I've learnt to trust my judgement and gut feeling more and I have the confidence to call people out if they treat me like shit because I'm unlikable anyway so what's there to lose ?

There is a thin line between tolerance and abuse OP when abuse becomes a pattern kick them to the curb .

Can't treat me right ? Then fuck off out of my life . I can stand on my own two feet .

Whilst I agree with this, I don't think that singledom is the only conceivable outcome. Learning to be happy with yourself and your own company can be enormously helpful when embarking on new relationships; it's much easier to walk away when you have realised that singledom isn't a punishment, and so you're much less likely to put up with crap. 'I'd rather be on my own' is a powerful thing to be able to say, but you can't say it unless you actually like being on your own.

You say you are undertaking in a programme , could you share the name of it ?

I actually love single life. I love the comfort and freedom in my home. Our safe, relaxed place . No more nastiness, silent treatment , critical exh, my own bed that I can be naked in without a grabby ex. It's bliss but I know I'm the future that I would like someone special to share life's ups and downs with but no t until my kids are grown up and relatively independent .
I've slow faded two toxic and negative friends last year so change is afoot I guess!

Great information and advice thanks

Go buy yourself a tiara. The nicest one you can afford right now. Practice wearing it and asking yourself how would a princess expect to be treated. When in contact with others, mentally put your tiara on and act accordingly. This is not to suggest being spoiled, rude or entitled - princes and princesses dont need to do this, they are nice and kind to everyone but have standards that they expect to be adhered to. Dont make exceptions.

What was it like with the men before they started treating you badly, and how did it make you feel? If it was good at the start and it made you really happy, when it starts to go wrong you can end up chasing the highs rather than cutting your losses; or changing your own behaviour and compromising yourself in an effort to make it 'right' again. If this resonates, its really important to understand that once the bad stuff starts, it almost never goes back to good, so you can save yourself a lot of misery by jumping ship at the first sign the boat is leaking.

I was treated very well but I define rely started fawning when they got complacent and lazy and sulky. All three were lazy in the relationships. It seems
Like a small thing but I enjoy cooking for example so I always cooked. At the beginning they'd insist on contributing and cleaning afterwards .. until they didn't. The last man did this one day and I came home
To the dishes sitting exactly where I'd put them the evening before, having cooked dinner.
He was in bed watching tv eating' his ' sweets in the afternoon when I got back from work. Immediate disrespect for him. That was the end for me mentally. Truth is.. I enabled it didn't I .
Te

The best advice I ever got was this, hope it makes sense!

Only have a relationship with someone that YOU want to be in a relationship with.

Don’t settle for someone because they want to be in a relationship with you.

I think sometimes we are worried about being alone and so glad someone takes an interest in us we don’t always properly stop to think - do I really really like everything about this man? Could I do better? Am I ignoring the red flags so I don’t have to accept it’s not working?

@Watchkeys brilliant post , I have screenshotted this so I can come back to it.
OP I'm in my 40s and I have dated a string of losers as well and am tired of it.
I'm taking a step back to focus on myself. One thing I will say is Mumsnet is absolutely superb for giving advice and I always use it as my go to for relationship advice. They say it like it is which is what I need.

If every dog I ever had had bit me, I wouldn’t want a dog again.

Sounds like you’ve had terrible experiences with men, OP. In your shoes, I’d give them a wide berth.

Understandable, but it wouldn't mean that all dogs were likely to bite you. Your own boundaries are just that: your own. They don't make good advice for other people. Just as your boundaries are based on your feelings, others must base their own boundaries on their own feelings.

Been there, done that and have the t-shirt. It has really put me off men altogether if I'm honest. I enabled so much awful behaviour in my younger years. The last guy I dated for 8 months and I still ignored the initial red flags. Although this time I did get rid of him much quicker. I think you have to focus on healing yourself for a while, then make sure if you have very strict and clear boundaries next time you meet someone. Learning from previous mistakes is the best way to make the next one better.

Oh dear OP, I really feel for what you've written.

What i think you've also started to realize, is that good people don't just walk up to you just because you're good. You have to weed them out.
People who are lazy, who take advantage of you, who try to manipulate or control you, who take pleasure in tearing you down and making you feel small, ... The world is filled with these people. You can't stop them from coming into your life. You CAN however stop them from staying too long.

I remember the time in my life when I felt like the victim of all these people who kept treating me badly while I was always so kind and generous and supportive. Then it hit me: the only reason they can KEEP treating me badly, is because I've still accomodated them in my life rather than walking away from them.

Since then I've made a habit of really looking at the men - or women for that matter - in my life and tried to see them for who they are. Not for who I hope or want them to be or who they show me at their very best. Who they really are, warts and all. I can't stop someone from hurting me, but when they do, I listen to what they are saying. I don't make excuses for them. I don't try to be better myself in the hopes of being treated better. I don't work harder to prove I'm worthy of love. I don't wait around and hope for things to change. When someone shows me who they are, I believe them and I act accordingly.

That doesn't keep me safe from heartache or disappointment. It does however give me a sense of control over my destiny. I'm not at the mercy of someone who can choose to make my life absolutely miserable. I'll be long gone before that happens.

I completely relate.

My counsellor said my frequency needs adjusting. I realised I'm giving off a signal to the wrong people that I won't uphold my boundaries. I don't want to be a doormat anymore. I like the tiara idea!

I think it must be body language although people will test you to see what you will and won't tolerate . It could slightly raising their voice or insulting you in a subtle way .

Think back to the beginning of those relationships and work out what the early red flags were that you ignored, or tolerated because you didn't think you were worthy of a partner without those flaws. Watch out for them when you start a new relationship.

Remember that you can ditch a new partner straight away, or at any time, for any reason you want, however trivial. You don't owe any man sex, or a relationship, a date, or the benefit of the doubt. You don't need to justify your decision.

I'm not sure the princess analogy works well, does it? I would hate to be treated how Diana was treated!