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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me work out how to confront him

15 replies

badgergirl5 · 08/02/2024 17:03

I have posted this in AIBU but someone advised it is better to post here…

I think I have just discovered evidence that my husband is having an affair. Please bear with me as I explain the background - I want to be smart about how I confront him and how I make my next move, because I know he will deny it. So I’ve come here to ask for advice and ideas on how to do this. A big part of me just wants to blurt everything out but I know this might be my only chance to know the truth.

This starts all the way back in 2005!! Our kids were babies at the time. I’d had a suspicious feeling that something wasn’t right for a few months so I looked at his phone and found outrageously flirty texts with a woman at work. They were trying to arrange meeting up for a drink and he had actually checked one of the dates with me and told me he’d be going out with a mate. The texts including descriptions of what she was wearing, how she had fancied him and blushed whenever he spoke to her etc etc. I confronted him and he apologised and acted sorry - said he was having a moment of madness, would cancel the evening out with her and break off all contact. But he didn’t let me see the messages he sent to her in order to do this (yes I know this was crazy of me not to insist!!!!).

She then left his work shortly after and moved about 100 miles away.

Three years later I received anonymous text messages telling me he was cheating but no detail whatsoever. I never understood where they came from. He said he had no idea and someone was just trying to cause trouble.

So that brings me to 2024. We have been happily married, at least on the surface, for the last 6 years since those text messages. I have always had an uneasy feeling that he’s a flirt and needs attention from other women but have never known whether he would actually cheat.
Today I was using our shared laptop and he had left his emails open. I don’t even know why given it was YEARS ago, but I searched for that girl’s name. I found 3 separate occasions of him sending presents to her over the last 2 years - all the same name and address. She still lives about 100 miles away from us. The gifts were Chocolates, clothes and a book (the book actually hurt the most - it was a book about hormones that I have actually read myself. From the date, it looks as though he heard my recommendation and decided to send her one). I find a book about hormones to be a particularly intimate thing to send to someone.

first of all, AIBU to suspect a full blown and potentially long term affair ? If he’s been seeing her, it can’t ever involve overnight stays. He is never away. But I guess he could meet her during the day. Is there any other explanation for still being in contact with her after so many years and sending presents?

I would love advice on how I can play this to be sure before I confront him. How much should I admit I’ve seen?

OP posts:
roses321 · 08/02/2024 17:17

First of all, I feel I can help here because my ex was one of those men who needed attention from other women and couldn't cope with the idea of monogamy even though he hid everything he did. He only ever sexted to my knowledge but it probably went further although I'll never truly know.

First thing:

Aside from the fear of being alone/breaking up your marriage how do you actually feel about this? Do you think it's acceptable or ok? I'm guessing you don't.

Please do not ignore your feelings on the situation and what your own stanards are. I ignored it and tried to be ok with it and was looking over my shoulder for the rest of the relationship. Every time his phone beeped I was trying to see who it was. It caused so much anxiety it was unreal. I should have just left and I regret it so much but I stayed for another 4 years and even got engaged and bought a house with him.

Ultimately, if you're ok with it and it's something you are willing to accept, is there any point in bringing it up with him at all? Probably not.

When people do things like this and hide it, they hide it because they know it's wrong. They hide it because they know they're liars and they know they're doing the wrong thing and that it would cause upset in their life, so they cover it up and hope nobody finds out. The truth always comes out though as you're discovering.

It's likely that when you confront him with this stuff he'll deny it, brush it off, minimise it and turn it back on you and you need to be prepared for that because that is classic tactics for someone who can't accept responsibility. Are you prepared for that to happen? Because it will. They don't like being called out on their bullshit so they will gaslight the shit out of you and make you feel like you're blowing stuff out of proportion. The one thing I'd say to you is: Hold onto your standards no matter what, and hold onto the evidence no matter what.

Are you willing to end your marriage over this? What lengths are you willing to go to to ensure this doesn't happen to you again, because ultimately he's doing this to you so that he can have his cake and eat it. So you need to consider what steps you're going to take to enact consequences.

For me personally, I shouted and cried but there were no consequences, I never left, I didn't take anything away from him, I just forgave him and tried to be ok with it and internalised all my anxiety about it and my worry. Whenever I would talk to him it never did anything because firstly he'd often shout at me and gaslight me, and secondly he's already shown me what he's capable of so his words of reassurance when he did give them meant absolutely nothing.

Consider all of this. Take photographs of the evidence and consider what you're going to actually do about this.

If you decide that you know what, I'm not accepting this and I'm divorcing him, then see a lawyer and get your ducks in a row first so that he doesn't see it coming, because men like this are incredibly persuasive, charming and if they're not those things they're abusive and crazy making all in the effort to maintain the status quo they have set up for themselves.

Just remember there is nothing he is ever going to be able to say that is going to reassure you that he won't do it again, and unless he chooses of his own free will to go to therapy and find out why he did this and do some serious soul searching, the flowers and the trips away are going to be of no use whatsoever. He has to choose to take steps to fix the marriage and his own flaws if he ever wants to restore trust...and FYI, don't do what I did and make it YOUR job to be ok with it/be trusting - it isn't your job, it's his.

I'd say there is enough evidence here to suggest he's incredibly dishonest, I think sending gifts to other women is completely unacceptable if they aren't mutual friends and remember that hiding it from you says everything. He's promised you he won't do it again once, he lied and now you're left to decide whether you want to give a second chance. I would strongly suggest you don't. Don't be like me. Don't waste your life on people who don't deserve it.

Bladwdoda · 08/02/2024 17:53

sorry op this sounds so upsetting. I hope you are ok and have someone IRL to talk to.

Of course there’s no other explanation. He has behaved disgustingly and inappropriately - the exact details regardless.

“- I want to be smart about how I confront him and how I make my next move, because I know he will deny it.”

^Personally I don’t think this is the way to play it. You don’t have to prove anything. Who cares if he denies it, because you know the truth.

Id probably just tell him what you have seen, and end the relationship. You can’t trust him after this. It’s gone on literally years!

MrsMoastyToasty · 08/02/2024 18:10

Just go to a solicitor and set the ball rolling. It shows that you're not going to be messed with.

badgergirl5 · 08/02/2024 19:25

I don’t want to end my marriage if it’s an emotional affair/ a series of flirty messages being exchanged between them. It’s hurtful and I will need him to do a lot of work to prove to me that he won’t do this again - but I don’t want to ruin my children’s lives over “just” messages. That’s why I need to know if it’s actually more.

I guess I’m looking for ideas on how I can find out for SURE. But maybe I have to accept that I can’t.

OP posts:
krne · 08/02/2024 19:39

'It’s hurtful and I will need him to do a lot of work to prove to me that he won’t do this again'
But this is him doing it again, he's already promised before that he would cut off all contact with her and he obviously hasn't.

badgergirl5 · 08/02/2024 19:48

@krne I know, I agree. I have become someone I never thought I would be, but it’s incredible how much I will make myself put up with for the sake of not having my kids living between two homes.

OP posts:
krne · 08/02/2024 19:52

@badgergirl5 Believe me, I know how you feel but you definitely need to confront him. He's not treating you with the respect you deserve and it sounds like that text you received was more than likely true.
Sending hugs 🤗

DogJog · 08/02/2024 20:16

Just to give my story... I was you. Overlooking. Trying to avoid the disruption and instability for the children. Out of nowhere without warning, he packed the car up one morning and never came back. Moved in with the other woman he'd clearly had on the go for some years, judging by all the evidence I uncovered after he left. My advice, however awful it sounds, get your ducks in a row and end things in control. I wasn't and the heart break and shock was something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Watchkeys · 08/02/2024 23:51

I guess I’m looking for ideas on how I can find out for SURE

You don't trust him, for sure. So your relationship is over. You can subject your children to the sham, and teach them that a sham marriage with no trust is an acceptable situation. Then they'll go and recreate that for themselves. Or you could show them that it's good to walk away from unhappy relationships, so that they can recreate that.

It all depends what you want to model for them, really.

B1rd · 09/02/2024 00:16

I would certainly start filtering money of and saving it for your release.
You can try and keep a happy home for your children, but what are they learning from your relationship?

Susieb2023 · 09/02/2024 06:50

FWIW I completely understand.

Firstly though I do believe you’re down playing and minimising this to prevent yourself from taking proper action. This isn’t just ‘an emotion affair/a series of flirty messages’ it’s systematically lying to you for years and years. It’s being duplicitous, manipulative and seeking his own validation and ego kibbles away from his family. It’s putting his family at risk for these.

I hate the thought that he would have seen you in pain and chosen to carry on secretly by taking this affair deeper underground. That is unforgivable.

I think my first piece of advice would be getting yourself a copy of ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ as that will really help you frame who you’re dealing with and help you rip off those rose tinted glasses. Whether you stay or go it’s an essential read imo. Get yourself on surviving infidelity and start to see the patterns in behaviour. His desire for validation and his lying is not there just for this one woman, it’ll be at his core and his selfishness and entitlement trumps your safety in the relationship.

Do start looking into your rights. Be savvy and careful. Seek some individual counselling.

When you’re ready then collate evidence, don’t give him wiggle room, deal with facts, hand it over and watch and wait.

FWIW it’s then that you’ll know what to do. I get why you’d not want to break up the family but there is a lot to process and move on from and if you stayed that could only happen if he truly feels he’s going to lose you and moves heaven and earth to be better. Very few cheats do this.

Most (after following many stories) just stay nasty, selfish, entitled liars!

I’m just so sorry you find yourself blindsided again.

febgmt2200 · 09/02/2024 08:32

This is a very odd situation because those gifts don't really say 'affair' to me and yet at the same time he's buying another woman gifts behind his wife's back. Why the secrecy? Why the need to buy her gifts at all?

The only scenario I can think of which fits this is that maybe they had a fling some time ago and then agreed to be 'friends'? But even then, why would he be buying her gifts?! Are they birthday/Christmas presents?

anotherdisaster · 09/02/2024 13:10

If its not a full-blown affair, its an emotional one. He does not sound trustworthy. This is the 3rd time you've had suspicions about him. Not sure why you think having kids go between 2 homes is that bad, mine do because I got rid of my abusive ex. Both my kids are thriving and they 'go between 2 homes'.

badgergirl5 · 09/02/2024 14:27

@anotherdisaster what makes you think it’s not physical? He could easily have been meeting her. I don’t think you would send presents to someone who you never physically see (not repeatedly anyway).
I know that many families make divorce work well for the kids. But my kids are thriving right now too, and I know this would disrupt them. They are both very sensitive and would suffer knowing that Mum and Dad aren’t happy. He won’t be an easy person in that situation.

OP posts:
Diarygirlqueen · 20/08/2024 13:56

Hi OP, did you ever confront your husband? Hope it was all innocent x

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