Ex (maybe) wants to get back together - now confused on what to do

[MyBrainNeedsToShushNow]

Last May my partner left after over 12 years together. She said this was mainly down to her having shifting life priorities and feeling like she'd grown apart. She still wanted to be friends as we jointly raised our two children, but I was absolutely crushed and so for a while things didn't go well.

Three months later I had a drunken ONS with a friend of a friend in a stupid attempt at trying to get over things. Not only did it not work (obviously) but we ended up clicking and found ourselves to be amazingly well-matched. We ended up in a relationship. I know me rebounding was not smart.

Leap forward nearly six months and things are going great between us. Almost... It seems to have everything you would want from a relationship but has the crucial problem that I'm not falling in love with her. I'm trying but despite how great she is, I am still in love with my ex. This itself was something I was tempted to start a thread on as I felt very guilty about continuing this relationship but then last week my ex said something out of the blue...

To try and make things easier for the children (10 and 11) who are both still struggling with the split, we had started meeting up weekly for one family activity. Like going for a meal out toegther or something. And afterwards me and my ex usually end up chatting for a while before one of us leaves. Last week though we had more time left to chat than normal and for some reason got into a deep conversation about our relationship and my ex admitted she might still want to get back together. Her leaving was partly due to issues linked to trauma she never dealt with and she has realised she hasn't neccessarily been thinking clearly. She is going to start counselling next week to work through and hopes that in a few weeks or even months (I reckon months from the sound of it) she will more clearly know what she wants. Maybe. She apologised for telling me this as she said she has no idea whether she does or not and even when anything would happen, as she won't seek anything until her counselling is finished and she is sure of herself. Most of the time she still thinks she wants to stay apart, but two months ago she was 110% sure she wanted to, so no idea how her thoughts might continue to change. For now, her plans are still on the assumption we won't get back together...

I now don't know what to do even more than was the case before. My gut says that I want to be back with her and that I should break up with my partner, partly as it js not fair to her and partly as I don't want to do anything further to jeopardize whatever chance I have of being back with my ex. My ex admitted that me being in a sort of serious relationship with someone else would probably count negatively in her thinking, though she said she had no idea what she would think about when trying to decide. It would also be much better for the children if we did succeed.

But then I try to be rational and think, why would I leave a relationship that is in almost every way going very well for a shot of unspecified probability and unspecified timing at getting back with my ex, with all the old issues we had still to be resolved plus new ones plus me not even knowing if she is completely sure of her decision? How would I know? I don't think I could, and then 100% trust isnt there.

So then I think I should just tread water and stay put to see how things develop but to my mind that is a form of emotional cheating. So then I think, I don't know what to do. How do I begin to think about this sensibly? And not be cruel to my partner?

Thank you for illustrating very eloquently and succinctly the totally self-centered approach that men like you have to relationships.

"I don't love my girlfriend, but I may as well stay with her for now until I know for sure that my ex wants me back. There's not really anything wrong with my girlfriend, so I'll keep her sweet until a better option comes along. Hey, my cock's not going to suck itself, amirite?!"

I will bookmark this thread so the next woman who posts on here saying "Why did my boyfriend appear to be all in and then dump me for my ex" can be reassured it's a common tactic of selfish and emotionally cowardly men.

You're in love with someone else. That's enough reason to end it with your partner. You're not going to get over your ex wife while there is unfinished business. End the relationship and stay single until you're over your ex.

Dump your new girlfriend, she deserves far, far better. Using a woman so you can 'tread water' is so disgustingly immoral.

Get back with your ex girlfriend, or don't, but stop messing your kids about, and centre then, not your sex life.

I agree with the others, it sounds like you just don’t want to be alone, but your thinking is very you focused, you aren’t thinking of the feelings of either woman in this, just worried you’ll end up with nothing. You don’t love your girlfriend, and honestly I don’t see how you can love your ex partner either if you can go to bed every night with someone else and be building a life with them. You need to be single so you can focus on healing, it’s better you break your girlfriend’s heart now than later down the line. Does she know you don’t love her and are still “in love” with your ex, because if not, you are taking away consent from her, and she is blindly engaging in a relationship that it’s unlikely she would want if she knows the truth (unless she has cripplingly low self esteem or isn’t at that stage of love with you yet either. You need to be honest in your words and you actions.

your ex partner isn’t sure of you, a part of that may be how easily you’ve appeared to move on- I know for me I’d never take someone back once they’d had something with someone else. You are hedging your bets, and if she knew your inner thoughts (what you’ve written here) I can’t think of many women who would want to start over with you.

I agree you should be honest with your current girlfriend about your feelings.

It does sound like your ex is keeping you dangling on a string. And by saying it's a negative you're in another relationship, she's effectively trying to control you. Sounds like she likes the idea of you pining for her and can't cope with the fact you've been with someone else. Once you dump your gf, I imagine your ex will cool her wavering interest in you.

I’d be absolutely gutted if I was building something with someone and turns out not only were they not as crazy about me as I thought or hoped, but they were pining for someone else. Totally agree also with Emmy Lou that your ex may be trying to control the situation with your new girlfriend- but that’s NO reason to stay with your new girlfriend. You’re not in a giving space, you aren’t fully over your ex, and that’s a shit deal for anyone who is in a relationship with you. You are partly over her or you wouldn’t even be able to imagine being with anyone else, you just aren’t healed enough to fully give to another person or be truly sincere in that giving