Has anyone written a letter to read during couples Therapy ?

[Sophie2024]

So were having weekly couples therapy but i seem to struggle to find my confidence and thoughts during these sessions, mainly because i become quite tearful and loose my thoughts , then hubby talks and talks and thats the session over . So i have been writing down my feelings , thoughts and such for a few weeks and wrote a letter which i want to read to him tomorrow , but i feel like its abit odd thing to do ? Has anyone done this and what was the outcome ?

I haven't done this, but am in the same situation so I might. I think otherwise, if you never get to speak it just turns into an hour of being ranted at. And I absolutely hate it as nothing gets resolved. Some people are just really good at bulldozering their partners in this kind of situation, forgetting that couple counselling should be for both parties, not a way for one person to beat the other down.

Yes, absolutely do this. You sound the same as me - I went to a few sessions on my own and poured my heart out, then when we went as a couple I froze completely and then he took over and pretty much reversed the whole thing so he looked like the victim. I sat there in disbelief and couldn't respond as time was running out. It was so frustrating and I felt like I'd taken one step forward and ten back. Don't feel weird about writing it down, it will really help, and I wish I had done the same. Especially as we're talking about 2019 in my case. I lost so much momentum and I'm still with him now....

Is your H talking over you deliberately?. What sort of a counsellor are you seeing?.

Abusive men do use these types of sessions as a further way of getting back at their woman whom they regard as a mere possession.

If there is abuse of any type within the relationship, joint counselling is not at all recommended. Abuse is not a relationship issue, its about power and control.

Your counsellor should be making sure you have time to gather your thoughts and let you speak. They should not be letting your DH talk all the time. They should be actively stopping him talking and giving you time.

I think a letter is a good idea. I suggest you open by saying you have not felt there was space and time for you to talk so you've written the letter and you want the counsellor & DH to let you read it all the way through without interruption - even if you become overwhelmed and need a minute to gather your thoughts. In fact especially if you become overwhelmed.

If this doesn't happen, if they don't agree then I would suggest you seek out individual counselling for yourself as there's no point a couples counselling if one party will not listen to the other.

Thank you for your words of encouragment , She does try but I get so emotional I shut down abit , and then he talks and talks . Ive started my own individual counselling now so should start to feel abit less emotional and more able to find my words.

Thank you , doesnt feel such a odd thing to do now , thats exactly my issue nothing gets resolved , well important things anyway. He needs some individual counselling but is stuck on the 'im waiting for a doctors app, to be referred' bla bla bla , even though hes been there and done that and it was a complete joke of a service , ive told him several times the mental health service and nhs is on its knees and you need to go private but its not sinking in X

No not deliberately , more its a opportunity for him to offload which i dont mind but its week after week 😒and he tends to repeat stuff which doesnt help when you only have 50 min !

Sophie2024
Delighted you have individual counselling.

If your counsellor is ineffectual (and if she's letting your DH talk and talk she could well be) and your DH is repeating himself, I would stop the couples counselling altogether. Seating there listening to him drone on and the counsellor not be able to stop him is not doing anything positive for any of you at best and probably doing more harm to your state of mind. So go to the next session, read your letter and if it doesn't massively improve, step away.

Worth remembering - sometimes there are periods of silence during counselling sessions. This is perfectly normal and appropriate. None of the participants are obliged to fill that silence. I've been in group therapy sessions where between the 'Hello and thank you for coming' and the 'That's it for this week, thank you for coming' no one has said a word. And that's absolutely fine