Husband hates our life.

[Indoorvoicesbluey]

I don’t know where else to turn and I’m on the brink of a breakdown.
We have 3dc - 2 of my from a previous relationship (aged 15&13). We’ve been together 10 years.
dh mental health has been declining for the last 3 years. Not enjoying life as much, anxiety & depression. We stopped having sex 2 years ago and iv tried absolutely everything to spark it back up with no success.
around this time last year he had a breakdown and I ended up taking him doctors. They put him on antidepressants and he started therapy. He stuck to 3 sessions and then trailed off because of his shift patterns.

things were ok but never normal. He stopped his meds after 4 months without telling me.

around 6 months ago he hit rock bottom again and again I took him doctors and we saw a lovely woman. She referred him again to therapy and put him back on meds but also sent him for blood work. She also thinks he has autism and has sent him for an assessment.
turns out he has extremely low testosterone and last week he finally got put on testogel.

I would say it’s made him worse. He hates our life. He resents us all, hates how messy the kids are (they are! It drives me mad, wet towels left on the floor - bedrooms a mess etc. Iv tried everything!!) and worst of all he hates my daughters pony because it takes up so much time, 2x a day. He really pisses me off because he goes on and on about how much better his life was before we got said pony. Doesn’t matter that my girls do absolutely everything and love her to pieces.

I can’t remember a day where he was happy all day, he could be happy one min and then miserable the next. He doesn’t lose him temper he just grumpy, doesn’t speak to us and just a general dick.

I love him to pieces and he works so hard for us all, treats the kids amazing and my older two see him as their dad and idolises him.

but i just don’t know what to do anymore, I thought the testogel would work and make things better.

nothing seems to make him happy. He doesn’t have the motivation or energy to get a hobby.

The first thing l would do, if you think hes got worse, is to send him back to the Dr to check he's on the right dose of testogel. Also re the assessment, how did he take the Drs suggestion that he might be autistic? This can take some processing unless he has suspected it in the past? Also were there any major traumas or changes in his life which triggered his initial depression?

How is he treating your DC amazing if he's constantly whinging about them?

How do ou love a man who is permanently grumpy and a "dick"? Mental health is not an excuse for shitty behaviour. He should be proactively trying to improve his interactions with you, not wallowing in them.

Because he is supportive, works hard and would do anything for us.

he doesn’t whinge at the kids, just me. He has spent the last year or so 3x a week sitting with our oldest revising for her GCSEs, he supports them emotionally and financially.

you can’t just unlove someone because they are unwell.

Tbh we’ve always joked he is. He likes routine and that’s the reason he’s not keen on the horse because the routine is so different now. We struggle to sit and the table and have dinner as a family some nights because we’re always at the yard.

his heath benefit thing at work is paying for him to have a private assessment.

OP l just wondered if it was a shock to him to hear Autism suggested but it appears not? Re your kids it sounds like he is an involved Dad, just not where the pony is concerned. ( the same with many men who have horse mad daughters!)
I would get your girls on side and try to get them to be more thoughtful round the house ( wet towels, mess etc) and maybe appeal to them not to let horse stuff impact on their Dad too much.
I do think the pony is a red herring though as he does sound very inflexible and needs to take agency for not continuing with therapy and taking his anti depressants. ls he back on his meds again now and back working?

OMG i couldve written this post 😕nice to know its not uncommon , no advice just im 3/4 years down the road further and still havent a clue how to help him . Im at my lowest and fed up of this cycle of behaviour , i love my husband dearly also and try to remember hes not well and seperate him from the behaviour but its really really hard always being the one who gets his bad side and the world and kids get his good side , sending love X

Yes he’s on his meds and working, he’s never taken time off for work but tbh he enjoys the routine of going.

we’ve had said pony for 2 years so it isn’t something new. It is mostly winter that he hates because you have to go over so much.

I could have written all that OP. He's an ex now! Down to the pony. Sympathy!
He's even more miserable now I believe, and he doesn't have a pony to worry about. The rest of us are a lot happier. Also minus pony these days as the children have grown up.

He also stopped taking his medication. It's when he started taking his frustration out on our children that I left him. It does tend to escalate.

Tbh I don’t think he would lost his temper with the kids. Due to his autistic side he tends to just go silent or grumpy but in 10 years he’s never raised his voice or done anything bad.

I love him so much, he’s the absolute world to me so unless things done improve in the next year with his tesogel and meds then I’m not leaving because I would hate for him to do something stupid.

I understand! I hope you can sort it out. Sorry not to have been more help 💐

Well what a turn around!! Dh has been on testosterone 2 weeks now and the last couple have days have been a huge improvement on his moods! Actually can’t believe the difference.

I am so happy to read your update OP! Onwards and upwards hopefully

That wonderful news OP. I know how debilitating depression can be gor everyone around the person who is ill.