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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How did your tell your dc you were going to separate - I'm so worried..

3 replies

Starfirelight · 08/02/2024 10:22

As per the title really.

DH and I are separating. We are both going through an emotional rollercoaster at times, and still both angry and grieving at times but we both are hoping we'll come out of this as friends and amicable co parents. I instigated the separation but to be honest we have been more like housemates over the past few years, no affection or intimacy, and DH has had mental health problems that I've struggled with.

We've got 2dc, ds16 and dd13. I'm absolutely dreading telling them, and I'm feeling so upset even as I write this, just imagining the shock and disbelief on their faces. I don't think they have any idea this would happen, DH and I don't argue (we used to, but for the past few years we haven't), although there is tension sometimes. It's going the be the loss of the dc's family unit, all they've ever known. DH has found a new place only 10 minutes walk from our house and there's enough room for the dc to stay.

We're planning to tell the dc next week during half term. We've had some advice from a mediator who suggested keeping it simple such as "Dad and I have decided to live in separate houses. We both love you both very much, this isn't your fault, we've just decided that it will be the best way for us going forward. We are still a family (and then tell them about how the structure of the weeks will work re when they will see each parent etc)"

She said not to get into the "why" of why this is happening as its not really appropriate to tell them the details of our marriage breakdown which I agree with. I'm just worried that they will ask why, or ask more detailed questions, and then what do we say?

Has anyone told their dc and had a better response than they were expecting?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 08/02/2024 21:40

Just say that you don’t want to live together any more, which is the truth.

perfectcolourfound · 09/02/2024 19:53

I agree - don't get into the 'why'. They don't need to know that, and certainly not right now.

Give them space to think about it after - offer to answer any questions or if they'd rather take some time then come back with questions, fair enough.

Plan something nice for after. Their favourite takeaway or a good film maybe.

Lead by example - if they see a crying mess of a parent, they will take your lead and think they ought to be distraught too. Tell them you're both be fine and you're happy with the decision.

Remind them as many times as you need to that you will always love them, this doesn't change that one bit.

Have some nice things in the mid term to look forward to as well. So they can see life, and joy, will continue for you all.

Starfirelight · 09/02/2024 20:36

@perfectcolourfound Thank you - that's very helpful advice.

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