Help me feel better about being a single parent

[Bunny44]

I feel like most people will say I should just get a grip and it happens all the time, but I'm really struggling to get over becoming a single mum. My little boy makes me so happy but I feel like I have PTSD over the way the relationship went and how my ex treated me and I'm struggling to let go of my ideal family scenario. I feel like I need to be told everything will be OK and that I can find romantic love again in the future. I don't want the trauma of it all do taint anymore of my life with my child.

I was brought up in a very stable 2 parent family household and surrounded by similar families. Most of my friends are married with kids. I waited a long time to have children with the right person, but seemed to get it so wrong.

The relationship was wonderful at the beginning and we'd made plans to have a family and get married - I felt like everything was falling into place for me. Both of us really wanted children and we're older so did start trying once we'd agreed it was what we both wanted.

Then almost immediately after I found out I was pregnant (a year ago) I discovered he'd got involved with an ex (one who'd got away sort of thing) and it quickly became clear he had feelings for her. He gave up on our relationship, moved countries with her, proposed, got her name tattooed on his arm and posted semi explicit photos of them together by the time I was 16 weeks pregnant. He said he was delighted I was pregnant and wanted me to keep the baby which completely baffled me.

I literally couldn't believe what I was experiencing. He went from telling me he loved me and wanted it all with me to treating me with no regard at all within a few months. What he did has caused a rift between him and his own family as they're embarrassed by it all - they said the behaviour was unexpected to them too and they've been quite supportive to me.

Anyway I went through the pregnancy, birth and becoming a mum without him. I've been lucky enough to be supported by family and friends and I feel like I've coped and even enjoyed motherhood, but I feel this awful feeling still when I get reminded of the things I thought I'd be doing with my partner at my side. Feeling the baby kick, the scans, their milestones... being first time parents together. My baby is an angel and I love him so much but I worry about how to do right by him with an absent father. I feel like I've let him down some how by somehow choosing such an awful partner. I feel confused and conflicted about the man I thought my ex to be and what he did and how to think about him and deal with him considering he's my son's father and they look so alike. I obviously think what he did was awful but I also don't want to be bitter and tarnish my time with my baby. How should I reframe all this in my mind in order to move forward?

Firstly, you’ve not let him down.
Secondly, the best thing any person can do is learn to be ok on your own. Be happy with your own company, and be comfortable doing things alone, along with having friends and family to socialise with. Don’t think too far into the future, and don’t rely on a man for anything.

Your situation sounds very similar to what I went through although my ex broke off his relationship and wanted to make things work with me after the baby was born. All I can say is that I wish he’d stayed with the other woman. My child’s father expected me just to welcome him home with open arms and operate as a normal family- Well, let me tell you that didn’t happen. I can honestly say I wish he’d stayed away because it was easier without him involved.
I think there’s a certain type of man who does something like what we’ve experienced to their pregnant SO and they’re not worth our tears. You need to tell yourself in those moments that the feeling is only temporary and it will pass, there is no guilt or shame to be felt. By being there and responding with love and care to your baby’s needs, you are being the mum he needs.

My situation was very different, but I understand going through everything alone, and it not being the ideal scenario you had pictured. I came out of a very long term relationship (12 years) and after that, I dated someone. It didn’t feel right, I wasn’t over the past, I felt lonelier and sad inside. So I broke up with him, and then discovered I was pregnant. I was very shocked, it wasn’t what I had wanted, I’m from a really traditional background and wanted to be married before I did all that. I had to adjust my mind to it, and go through all the stages alone, although he is a good father, it’s a very different experience than being in a couple. My child is honestly the best thing that ever happened to me. It’s not always easy being all things in the home, providing and mothering, but you come to a point where you realise there is no what ifs, this was how it was always going to be. We are very close and every struggle has been worth it. What happened to you is traumatic, you are reeling from betrayal and shock, he has deeply wounded you when you were in the most vulnerable place. This will take time to resolve. Enjoy being a mother and take one day at a time. Love and prayers x

I went through this. Lone parent for 14 years.

You are grieving for something that didn't exist, I found anger in the end, that was easier to recover from.

The biggest gift you can give yourself is being comfortable in your own skin and company, it will sure up your boundaries.

I stayed single until I met my partner 5 years ago (we still don't live together) because I focussed on my DC, my career, family and friends.

The value and connections you seek are all there within your current circle, focus on what you have OP.