"Happily married"... but not very happy - need long term relationship advice!

[Welcometothenightcourt]

Hi all! I'm a 36F with 2 young DDs married to lovely 35M man for about 13 years now. We have had a really lovely, caring, supportive etc. relationship so far. Of course we have had some big downs (especially in lockdown, so rough, working from home and home school jeez!). Currently the romance and appreciation for each other is a bit AWOL, not much sexual tension between us, little to no interest in hanging out together. The other day I found out he's been lying about domestic tasks he says he's done when he hasn't, made me so repulsed by him (I was shocked at the reaction tbh).

We actually just irritate the hell out of each other at the moment and would rather to listen to podcasts in our own spaces. I know there's a certain amount of this to be expected when you have kids and things are busy but it's not always been like this... I miss the days and want to be 'together' again... but also can't stand the offing sight of him.

I'm considering trying to take a 'break' from the relationship whilst not disrupting our girls... is this possible? Just sleep in different rooms or take a trip just me and the kids during the holidays... I dunno I think I need a break from the feeling that it's all going wrong or something.

Am I just a rambling lunatic? Just missing 'us' a lot.

No advice...but are you me?!

Sleeping in different rooms isn’t going to help much.

Haha! At least we're not alone 😝

it would just be whilst we take a breather because the dynamic feels miserable and is causing tension/fighting :(

Have you actually sat down and talked about what's going wrong?

Can you remember things you used to enjoy together, pre DC? Could you try making time for yourselves as a couple and doing that again?

Definitely take a holiday just you and the girls.

Or even, just you.

I also disagree that seperate rooms won't help.

Sometimes we get touched out. And sometimes we just need a space thats 'ours'. Our own room would help with that.

Take some space and see if it makes the relationship more comfortable. Or even,makes you want more togetherness again.

Or you may even find it cements that you are happier in your own company amd want to be single again.

Either way, take the space you need and play it by ear. Maybe also arrange a date night with just him, out, once per week, and see if it rekindles things.

Sit down and talk to each other. Pack the kids off to a family member for a night and have honest conversation with each other.

Honestly op I would book into a retreat for a week. Get some me time and let him appreciate you more having the kids on his own.

Thanks everyone for your helpful responses. Sadly we don't have the option to pack the kids off as we don't have capable family members who can have the kids. So I guess that's something that can be tough too as we don't tend to have time off by ourselves. Though we could honestly spend time in the evenings together it just seems like not a great option. I'd often rather do laundry and listen to podcasts... which is depressing I know.

Sounds amazing! I'll look into it, maybe just a weekend to start with, or go visit my mum who lives in Italy :)

Yes this feels really constructive, let everything 'air out' a bit and have some SPACE... I love hanging with the girls so I don't mind taking them off camping or something fun over half term...

I think different rooms works really well. You can each have your room how you like it. Although it does become a bit like a multi purpose room because you lose the office space and each have to have that space in your own room but you don’t see his dirty washing etc. Even better if you can have a bathroom each.
I think a bit of space and time to yourself really helps.

Based on what? You seem to know so certainly.

It might help, if it's what you'd both like to do, OP. Space can be very beneficial. A lot of your gripe seems to be about lockdown, and everyone being smooshed up together, doing everything at home, so this could all have been triggered by lack of space.

Have you talked to him about how you're feeling? If so, what did he say? If not, what stops you?

Sounds like me. We are stuck in a rut just now. 2 kids 5 and 2. Eldest doesn't go to bed until ten. We've tried it all. No luck. We get no time together or by ourselves.

All our spare cash goes on childcare we have no social life. We can't afford a holiday or night out often. This is even though we earn decent wages.

I'm just meh about everything. It's not really a marriage but a life issue. I just have no idea who I am or what I want anymore. I'm bored and I'm in dire need of a break from this drudgery. We live 500 miles from our parents so our holidays are spent visiting which is not exactly relaxing. After Xmas we were all exhausted and barely speaking.

I've been thinking about it a lot anc I think the key is getting my own Mojo back. Who am I ? Who are my friends? What can I do outside this house? Can I get my career back on track. I can't sort him out but I think k I can make myself a bit happier which hopefully would help him too.

I think this is pretty common...

🤣 deffo not alone here

You’re lacking the hormonal and chemical bonds that frequent sex brings. But it’s a catch 22 because without those hormones or some special occasion you won’t have sex to generate those chemicals! It’s just biology. Unless you really want to give up on the relationship maybe start slow by getting drunk together

What do you mean it's 'just biology'? Do you mean Oxytocin? Oxytocin is produced during orgasm but it's also produced after many different social interactions including laughing. It's not as simple as having frequent sex (we actually do have sex relatively regularly, that's not what's missing, it's the soul connection that's lacking currently).