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Original poster

Do people suddenly just fall out of love?

31 replies

happyhearts · 07/02/2024 14:49

After years of single Mumness I met a man and we became great friends (for a year). We then developed feelings and have had a further year of the most brilliant relationship. I had been so wary but he was so patient and handled me with great care.

He has been amazing, a real best friend, did everything he could possibly do to help me (and my grown up children), we have always had such a laugh, the sex was great, I felt we could not have been closer.

Then after Christmas it is like a switch has been flicked, he appears to have lost total interest, can't be bothered with anything, lost his sense of fun and it makes no sense?

There were no rows, we get on with each others families, sex was still fine.
Just nothing to trigger it?

I have asked him what's wrong and he just keeps saying he doesn't know. I have very very sadly had to walk away as it has caused me too much upset.

My family have suggested he's depressed but he has always told me he has great mental health.

I am very upset but at a loss what has happened?

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 07/02/2024 14:52

Another woman would be my guess.
It's normal for you to be upset, he's let you down, but you did the right thing.

Original poster
happyhearts · 07/02/2024 14:54

I know everyone thinks they wouldn't but this would really surprise me. He had been unhappy in his marriage but said he still never looked at another woman because he was married? My friends have all discounted this as they have said he is just not that type just a really lovely man.
But I know I know …...

OP posts:
Threecrows · 07/02/2024 14:56

Yes - his head has been turned.

but important to be philosophical- if he has found someone else, it’s because he was never 100% sure about his feelings for you or the relationship. If you are 100% in love, you won’t be distracted by anyone in the first few years.

so chalk this down to a lucky escape. You want someone who’s completely all in.

samestyle · 07/02/2024 14:57

No he wouldn't suddenly fall out of love, I'm thinking if the relationship came out of friendship, he possibly wasn't as in love as you hoped, something has triggered him not wanting this anymore.

RandomForest · 07/02/2024 14:57

Sounds like his MLC is coming to an end.

What age is he ?

mehyeahok · 07/02/2024 15:00

I'd agree another woman. If you stuck with it he might come out the other side - men do have phases in relationships of being infatuated with other women, but if the other woman eggs him on in any way he will start acting off with you as he thinks he is onto something better.

I'd hazard a guess at him liking other women on sm and one of them has started accepting/replying to his messages.

OhNoWhatIf · 07/02/2024 15:02

I had to google MLC as I'm so crap at knowing what things are. Midlife Crisis?

Yes OP, how old is he?

febgmt2200 · 07/02/2024 15:03

His head has been turned.

febgmt2200 · 07/02/2024 15:06

When he says to you that he 'doesn't know', when you ask him what's wrong, he's lying. He does know.

OriginalBirds · 07/02/2024 15:10

It can happen, sure, but there's usually some kind of impetus -- not necessarily that he's having an actual affair, it can just be he's had his head turned or encountering someone new, or even getting something he interprets as external validation of his 'worth'/attractiveness or that sets off a desire for something different, whether that's a different type of life or a different relationship.

Original poster
happyhearts · 07/02/2024 15:18

well he's mid 50s so a bit late for a MLC - also had to google it 😄
I do think the women of mumsnet do always seem to be right so maybe it is that.

He was dating for a year before he met me and don't think it was the most successful time of his life (if you know what I am saying) but suppose if that is what he wants what can I do? (well except cry a lot).

I agree with the comment that he does know what's wrong he just won't say!! that's why I've walked away. But so has he to be fair.

OP posts:
mehyeahok · 07/02/2024 15:20

It's a brave thing to do (something lots of ppl said to me when I did the same a few years ago, which annoyed me at first but makes more sense now) as you haven't got any reason to be angry, but you know you are worth more. It shows you value yourself and are attuned to your worth. Well done.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 07/02/2024 15:25

I don't think people just fall out of love. Depends what your definition of love is but for me it's not something that just switches off overnight. Sometimes, an issue/incident can cause people to call time on a relationship with someone they love but (barring the other woman theory) doesn't sound like that is the case. More likely is that he just wasn't as into you as he led you to believe, or you chose to believe.

Original poster
happyhearts · 07/02/2024 15:26

thank you - I don't feel it though.
I was single for years and years just working and looking after my children and it seemed like I'd got a happy ending.
We had been friends didn't rush into anything and then we had a bit of an amazing romance which seemed unlikely after being friends so long to be honest.
It feels such a waste as it really did seem perfect but obviously wasn't .

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 07/02/2024 15:26

Well done for walking away.

Nothing’s more soul destroying than flogging a dead horse 💐

PaintedEgg · 07/02/2024 15:26

@happyhearts my theory is that relationships that grow out of friendships tend to be a bit less passionate and more of a "I guess I'll settle" scenario...which can grow into feelings of dissatisfaction and eventually have people turning their heads to others - even if there is no particular woman he's after

febgmt2200 · 07/02/2024 15:27

Maybe an ex is back on the scene @happyhearts

Remember that self-praise is no praise at all. When he tells you he never looked at another woman, he could be lying.

Original poster
happyhearts · 07/02/2024 15:30

It wasn't what he said (although he did easily speak of how much he loved me) but what he did.

He honestly couldn't do enough to help me, he was really amazing! He really showed his love if you know what I mean. Wary to post everything in case this ends up in the DM 😂

Always booking fun things for us to do, really helped my family with things like DIY and moving house literally nothing was too much trouble?? so he wasn't all talk IYKWIM

Never turned up without flowers of thoughtful gift. It just seems weird and that wasn't for a few weeks he did that for a year?🤔

OP posts:
Anotherparkingthread · 07/02/2024 15:35

Op are you sure he's not just burnt out by something? Over worked, financial stress etc?

It seems rash to have ended things when he hasn't done anything wrong, part of a stable relationship is not just ditching your spouse when the going gets tough. With the economic climate ATM and the looming threat war on the news, a long winter and various other things I wouldn't he surprised if he was just feeling down. Good men don't just stop being good men one day.

febgmt2200 · 07/02/2024 15:36

With respect, you sound a bit naive OP.

You do realise that some men can do all those things you mention - and more - and yet still have an interest in another, or have a side-piece, or be having an affair, or having casual sex with fwb or worse?!

Such a man can always be there for you, taking you places, going out of is way to pick you up from work, or take you to appointments, do good deeds for your relatives whilst maintaining another love-interest.

Not saying that's what your ex did. Only he can tell you what's going on in his head.

mehyeahok · 07/02/2024 15:39

Maybe look at it as a bar for the next guy and just be thankful you got a decent year? I tend to not want to bother with men at all now (unfortunately for me I did discover he went off with a woman he was msg on IG, so the reason spoilt what went before, as always!) but I do look back and think I had a good example of what to expect. A lot of women never experience that at all, however fleetingly.

MamaAlwaysknowsbest · 07/02/2024 15:42

Sounds like he thinks because he is nor married now, he can fancy whomever he wants and allowed himself his emotions to rule him. If that is the case, this is not a good marriage material

Watchkeys · 07/02/2024 17:28

can't be bothered with anything, lost his sense of fun and it makes no sense

Is this just within your relationship, or has he lost interest in hobbies, socialising, work, etc?

Livelifelaughter · 07/02/2024 17:36

Typical MN... always another woman. But I suspect he doesn't want a serious relationship after all, in my experience, men in their mid 50s are more after the last hurrah and get freaked out when the relationship is progressing.

BoohooWoohoo · 07/02/2024 18:14

I agree that another woman is most likely.

Interesting that his previous relationship was also a year long. It makes me wonder if he might have been following that mantra often cited on here- ‘fake it til you make it’ hence doing all the good boyfriend stuff like the flowers and DIY. Maybe a year is as long as he can cope with acting and instead of dumping you himself, he prefers to be dumped as if preserves his good guy image.

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