Disappointed in friend (DH cheating)

[Melly1991]

Hoping to get a couple of opinions on this, unsure if I am being stupid to be feeling like this.

About 3 weeks ago my friend (who I considered a close best friend) found some whatsapp messages on her DH’s phone (she saw it pop up on his phone, she’s never noticed it before). She confronted him about it and he swore he would not do it again, 2 days later she went through his phone again and even more messages had appeared, same sexual content. These messages were sexual from both men and woman… also he is in a group chat with people he apparently doesn’t know, with images and sexual conversations taking place. Apparently he admitted this this going on for a couple of years now, he swears he hasn’t met anyone and it’s all online. As he is unhappy with their marriage. That is why he does it.

She asked where he had got the numbers from, apparently ‘twitter’. Who the hell gives their number out on twitter to a randomer… ?

He agreed to move out for a week and left my friend and their DS in the house alone.

My friend and her husband are in their early thirties, as I am. I personally wouldn’t condone this sort of behaviour and couldn’t move on but I have accepted my friend’s wishes and supported her through ‘trying’ again with her Husband.

I had her on my sofa, coming over crying for the week he had moved out, as well as the day she found out what has been happening. Not knowing who else to really speak to about this. She would ring me once/ sometimes 3 times a day at least to update me on what has been happening, as she has been alone and she has said she has struggled with this.

She has no parents, unfortunately her DM passed away some time ago now and her Dad she doesn’t speak to (since childhood so this isn’t recent). I honestly feel a bit shoved aside, now that her and DH are on ‘happier ground’ it seems, now she doesn’t have time for me.

For the past week he has moved back in, and they have agreed to do marriage counselling as apparently his behaviour is a reoccurrence (!!)

It was honestly the most I have seen her in a week, usually she would need a couple of days notice for me and my DS to come and visit her. I now don’t get a response to messages as quickly, or just a one message and then I wont hear for a day or 2. I honestly don’t mean to be the overbearing friend at all, so sorry if I have explained this wrong and I come across wrong… am I right in thinking I should just back off and let them both get on with it?

Yes back off. Her marriage isn't your business.

I will just leave it

Hi OP your friend probably isn't on happier ground she will still be having a difficult time. However making it work will be her priority right now and won't feel as though she can talk about it with you as she is trying to forgive . So I guess yes back off and be there for her when she needs you if you wish to .

Your friend is most likely struggling with the enormity over her DH's deception and trying to work out if she can ever trust him again. She's not on happier ground at all, quite the opposite, but is obviously preoccupied with trying to work through it.
She won't feel able to share much with you atm as she's trying to decide if she can forgive him. Leave her to process it, but be there for her when she needs a shoulder to cry on again, which sounds likely if he's a repeat offender.

It's been 3 weeks!

She came to you in her hour of need, confided in you. And you are clearly judging her for not walking.

Cheating takes a long time to get past (if you even can). Of course her efforts are on her marriage now

Sometimes when people have confided in you, they feel awkward later about what you know and end up avoiding you. Also it could be that you remind them of the difficult situation you helped them through and again, they associate you with that time that they'd rather forget. Maybe you know too much and she's embarrassed, maybe you're just someone she expects to be there when she needs someone. Just because she's an old friend doesn't mean she's a good friend. Look after yourself.

It might be she is embarrassed as she’s giving him a second chance. She probably needs to put all her energy into trying to rebuild her relationship ( and he needs to do the same of course). Just be there for when she needs you, I know it’s hard as prob feels your friendship has been put on ice through no fault of your own. It’s ok to worry about your friend but don’t let it take over. You’ve been a good friend x

Just be a friend. Very supportive and an ear with no judgement

Similar thing with BIL this Xmas. Constantly taking all of DPs attention all over the Christmas period with text messages despite us being run off our feet. Never usually gets in touch unless he needs a fiver. All very one sided, I need my brother, etc. Insists that he needs to come and stay with us for New Years. Spent the whole visit sympathising, talking it through, etc. Goes home to face the music. Then back to silence. We presume they’re working on things.. 🙄