Sense check

[blackbirdbluebird]

I'm in need of a sense check on a situation with DH.

Please be gentle my head is fried

DH has a full time job working from home, I work three full days a week hybrid.

We have two small DC.

DH has for years complained of having no time for himself - I try to ensure we get an equal amount of free time as far as I am able.

On the days I wfh/don't work I cover all home stuff and childcare etc. cooking, cleaning, school runs, laundry, meal planning, dc appointments etc. etc.

Recently DH has been very busy at work and has started to drink on weekday evenings. Not huge amounts but much more than he has previously.

Over the years I have worked with him to carve out time so he has more downtime. However, he makes no real changes to help himself.

This morning he is hungover and started talking about having no downtime again and saying that's why he's drinking more.

I was a little short and asked what he's going to do then as drinking isn't helping, and we've been having the same conversation on loop for so long now.

He's very annoyed and says he doesn't need me to provide solutions but to just listen.

I get where he's coming from but at what point is it fair to stop being a sounding board for what seems a never ending issue and ask him to do something different to make his situation better.

I'm really at a loss how to approach this now.

After the initial quite snappy interaction between us I went to him and apologised and tried to explain that I want to empathise but its frustrating for me too. He called me selfish and self-centred and then was very dismissive of me.

I'm in a can't see the wood for the trees situation here

Anyone?

How much downtime do you get? Is the balance not fair?

It seems he is someone who likes to vent. If the balance is fair, that is hard on you as you are sucking it up and not venting yourself.

Have you asked is there is a specific way in which you are part of the problem?

If you are not part of the problem and nothing can really be done about it (basically it’s just hard work having two small children) he owes it to you to stop being such a misery guts, even while you owe it to him to listen and be supportive.

The new development of drinking a lot suggests he’s getting more down about it. This could become a downward spiral.

He may not want solutions for his own benefit but you need them for yours. Maybe task him with coming up with a solution himself.

I’m just feeling my way here, don’t have some instant answer……

Does he normally speak to you in this fashion?

How much free time do you get, given that you do everything at home and with the children and he does nothing? Even taking into account that two days you're not physically out at work. Is this a model of life that you and he are happy to show to your children as normal: a father who drinks everyday, does nothing around the house/for daily living and nothing for the children, and a mother who has to do everything?

I understand he feels the weight of responsibility for our family and wants to provide and that his job is full on but his work is outside my help.

I give advice, make suggestions etc. we both end up annoyed because it seems he wants to vent, regularly, but not make any changes.

For example I work my hours. I occasionally work a bit more then I'm paid for but thats my choice. He works far and beyond his hours and then complains he has no time to do anything.

When I point this out I'm the bad guy who doesn't appreciate all he does for us. But I really do!

In terms of free time. We have a weekend morning each to ourselves and free reign to book nights/weekends away.

I have two mornings a week that I don't work so I will get coffee with a friend of go to the gym but it's an hour and then I'm home for childcare and housekeeping.

I think he thinks I have it much easier than him for some reason.

He could limit his work hours, make plans with friends and say no to the extra drink but he doesn't.

There's always an excuse - no time - debatable. No money - I do plenty on what we allocate for our spends and I know he could too!

at what point is it fair

There is no specific point. You might decide that it's fair at one point, but he might decide it's fair at another. You're looking for external validation; as if there are some rules you're meant to be following, so that your behaviour can be 'good' or 'right'. There aren't any.

The two of you need to come to an understanding of each other's positions. Stop trying to work out the details. Focus, to start with on 'How would be the best way for us to communicate with each other, so that we both feel heard and understood?' Once you've worked that out, the details like 'How much wine'/mental load, etc, will be much easier to fix.

Presumably you are OP, going by a different name for some reason?

So is the main reason he thinks he doesn’t have any time to himself his paid work, rather than his share of childcare and chores?

It sounds like he’s not blaming you for not pulling your weight, he just wants more sympathy. Would that be right?

Sounds to me like he's using you as his emotional crutch/ whipping boy because he's got an issue with stress at work. I'm not surprised you snapped back.

I think you're right, there's a point where you run out of patience with hearing the same complaints & seeing zero effort to resolve them.
Grown ups need to take responsibility for their own health & make sure they do the basics - get some exercise/ time out for hobby, get enough sleep & don't self medicate with alcohol or drugs.
If work is putting him under too much pressure, he needs to talk to his boss, get a new job or make adjustments if he's self employed.

It makes fuck all difference to his life if you stop going for a coffee. I bet you clean & wash & cook & plan meals & shop & entertain kids all weekend while he has done time where he could relax... If I'm right, ignore that noise.

Urgh. I feel your frustration. I swear being miserable & tired becomes some people's chosen personality.

I think PP is right, you both want to feel heard and supported.

It's cabin fever, I work a lot from home, when you're around the home pretty much permanently you just have to get out and away from the house, whether it's for a walk, whether it's out and about on a weekend, or whatever he needs time out of the home, he is right, when you work from home you have zero downtime, it's home straight into work mode and then straight into home mode, the mental damage it can do, that it did to me personally was devastating and it sounds like, from the midweek drinking that it's taking its toll.

You just need to sit down together and talk, listen to him, come up with a plan where he can have some time at the end of the day where he can contribute around the house but have that period of time to switch off from the work environment as well. You might just stop him spiralling into depression

It's absolutely the working from home. We've had the types of talk you've mentioned @Alan81 but he does nothing to make the necessary changes.

I've been supportive for years, to my own detriment at times, nothing changes because he won't prioritise himself but gets very defensive when I point it out.

If there weee some glimmer of him helping himself I'd give him all the patience in the world but it's been so long listening to the same thing and I'm weary

He needs to help himself before it results in the loss of the relationship, trust me I know that cabin fever feeling, that need to get out of the house, only thing with me, my partner didn't understand, didn't ask what was wrong, didn't care when I told her, and ultimately our relationship ended as a result.

Maybe he doesn't want to recognise he has issues, too proud, too stubborn, but I guess he kind of does recognise it with what he's said but if he's not capable of sorting a night with friends or sorting childcare for you both to enjoy a date night once in a while then I don't know.

Can't help someone who can't help themselves

Thanks @Alan81 I'm sorry to hear about your relationship suffering as a result of a similar experience.

DH and I do make a point of going out for lunch/dinner etc. that doesn't seem to be enough though.

What gets to me, apart from the lack of action, is that I don't think our lives are that diffident from most couples who work and have small children.

We both get some time to ourselves and we have a good income so are able to do stuff. It just doesn't seem enough for DH.

He needs more time, more money. There's always a reason to wait for happiness.

It's draining

It's draining because he's draining you.

You're just expected to be there and suck up his negativity.

Newsflash - thats not your job!

You actually went to this 'man' am apologised and once again he beat you down.

He will never be capable of thinking of your health amd happiness. He is a happiness sponge.

Do you know what your life looks like if you stay? Misery, exhaustion, fibremioalgia, sorrow and never being able to find the 'right words' to communicate your needs without being made our to be 'selfish'.

Because he lives in HIMland. Where its me me me forever and there's no space for you.

Get out before your kids think this misery is normal in relationships.

You only get one life, choose happiness.

Has he always been like this or is it purely linked to the working from home?

I do agree that the world becomes very small WFH full time.

But again, it's not fair to make one person your sole source of company & entertainment & blame them for failing to fulfil all your needs everytime you're bored or tired or fed up.

If he doesn't like how he's feeling, HE needs to change something to feel differently instead of putting it on you. It's the old 'If you do what you always did you get what you always got'.