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Original poster

Does your primary school aged child have midweek contact with their father?

37 replies

SantaFeSister · 07/02/2024 12:37

My ex will be having EOW contact soon and he will then want a mid week contact also that's overnight.

Ex lives 35 minutes away.

DD is in reception.

I feel like she's too little to be between two houses during the week.

I'm trying to put up an argument against this in that it will be hugely disruptive for her, won't allow us to ever be able to go on a holiday and that DD should know where home is during the week, an overnight contact during the week where she has to get up significantly earlier to get to school may mean she might be unsettled and impact her schooling.

I think a mid week overnight stay is fine if you stay in the same town or live close together but not in these circumstances.

Or am I wrong?

Does it impact your children?

OP posts:
LilBus · 07/02/2024 12:49

I don’t think 35 mins is far? Plenty of kids travel that to school every day. It’s really not far. Would you be happy only seeing your child eow?

KnickerlessFlannel · 07/02/2024 12:51

I also think it would be important for the non-resident parent to be doing some of the school week slog, and nice for dd to know that her other parent is involved in school.life too. I don't think 35 mins is far either

Reugny · 07/02/2024 12:52

You can do something different for the holidays.

Where you can have half the easter, summer and christmas holidays each. Then alternate half-terms. That way you can both take her away on holiday if you want to.

And no she isn't too little. I know a few children who have done it.

Winnipeggy · 07/02/2024 12:55

Surely you can make other arrangements when you want go on holiday? I travel 25 mins and back with my daughter nearly every day, 35 is really not far once a week. Is there another reason you don't want her going? I would be quite happy that her dad wanted to spend this time with her.

GingerIsBest · 07/02/2024 12:57

I think that broadly, consistency is more important than the specifics of the routine, so it would be fine.And there's also a lot to be said for both parents seeing the child at some point eery week. But that assumes you coparent well overall and he is reliable.

if your concern is that he has a habit of letting her go to bed late, she'll then be tired, he'll struggle to get her ready so she'll be late for school, not had breakfast/brushed teeth etc, then I can understand your worries.

Is he collecting her from school on a Wednesday? I think that's also important - he needs to do that and handle everything on a Wednesday.

Holidays etc shouldn't be an issue - if you want to go on holiday, surely you can agree a compromise and vice versa?

Original poster
SantaFeSister · 07/02/2024 12:58

Sorry, I meant to add he's very abusive but so far managed to pull the wool over cafcass' eyes.

I don't know, I guess I just thought it would be disruptive her going between 2 houses in the week.

DD has never ever been away from me and she will be starting unsupervised and every other weekend contact with him soon..

OP posts:
LilBus · 07/02/2024 12:58

Holidays are agreed in advance, so yes you would be able to take her on holiday, it’s not court ordered so you want be breaking anything just agree in advance like adults, honestly be glad he wants to be involved.

SirenSays · 07/02/2024 12:58

Why would she have to get significantly earlier, to the extent it could impact her school work, if he only lives 35 mins away?

TeenLifeMum · 07/02/2024 12:59

I think midweek contact is important and for the non resident parent to do the drudge work rather than just every other weekend. Dc need routine and seeing both parents is important imo. Dc is not just your dc so you don’t get overall decision making.

Original poster
SantaFeSister · 07/02/2024 12:59

LilBus · 07/02/2024 12:58

Holidays are agreed in advance, so yes you would be able to take her on holiday, it’s not court ordered so you want be breaking anything just agree in advance like adults, honestly be glad he wants to be involved.

Before you start with the father's rights advocacy.. perhaps read the comment where I said he is abusive. Highly. To me and he was to her also.

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 07/02/2024 12:59

Mine didn’t because he got home like at 7pm and 35 minutes during the day is 1 hour + during rush hour so getting them to school the next day would be a pain.

He only saw them on weekdays if it was a bank holiday (tagged onto the weekend) or school holidays

SirenSays · 07/02/2024 13:00

If you're worried about her safety it would have been better to put that in the OP. No one would recommend cheerily sending off a child to be abused.

Mumtoboys82 · 07/02/2024 13:01

Mine do yes, their father lives 15 mins away. They stay with him EOW and 2 nights in the week.

Occasionally they forget something, I just accept that I need to nip round and drop off what they need. Living between two houses and remembering all your bits and bobs can be hard so I would accept that sometimes you need to make the effort to make their life easier.

Holidays we agree case by case, we don't necessarily stick to the term time arrangements

ElevenSeven · 07/02/2024 13:02

It’s fairly standard; yes.

BoohooWoohoo · 07/02/2024 13:02

It might be a good idea to have different routines for school holidays but remember that if you take away that he will want to do the same.

LilBus · 07/02/2024 13:03

SantaFeSister · 07/02/2024 12:59

Before you start with the father's rights advocacy.. perhaps read the comment where I said he is abusive. Highly. To me and he was to her also.

Show quote history

Drip drip surely that would have been your argument not that 35 mins is too far or you can’t go on holiday 🤦‍♀️

Original poster
SantaFeSister · 07/02/2024 13:03

We went through it all. A fact finding hearing established he was domestically abusive and abusive to DD. He had supervised contact for a very long time.. its now moving to unsupervised and eventually overnights.. at some point he wants mid week contact also.

OP posts:
LilBus · 07/02/2024 13:04

SantaFeSister · 07/02/2024 12:59

Before you start with the father's rights advocacy.. perhaps read the comment where I said he is abusive. Highly. To me and he was to her also.

Show quote history

Added that after my comments and when people didn’t agree

Takemetosunshine · 07/02/2024 13:15

Does anyone think it's out of order my ex having DD during the week when he lives 35 mins away? Oh btw he was abusive to her..... Um you might want to start with the most important points in future!

LilBus · 07/02/2024 13:17

Takemetosunshine · 07/02/2024 13:15

Does anyone think it's out of order my ex having DD during the week when he lives 35 mins away? Oh btw he was abusive to her..... Um you might want to start with the most important points in future!

Exactly, we are not mind readers. Holidays seemed like the most important factor!

Original poster
SantaFeSister · 07/02/2024 13:17

Obviously, the biggest factor is he is abusive.

OP posts:
Takemetosunshine · 07/02/2024 13:24

SantaFeSister · 07/02/2024 13:17

Obviously, the biggest factor is he is abusive.

Exactly. So why not open with that?!?!

Original poster
SantaFeSister · 07/02/2024 13:27

I just wrote the opening post very quickly. Obviously I oppose any contact time in general but I have been amenable to the progression and not been difficult.

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 07/02/2024 13:42

Okay, this is going to sound harsh but the abuse presumably happened during your relationship and like it or not, he’s now allowed access independently. You chose him as the father to your child and whatever your opinion, he has a right to see her and she has a right to see him (so long as she is safe - keep notes of incidents going forward but do not go over old ground).

35 minutes is nothing and, with the details you’ve given, you cannot ban an equal parent from access.

twoforj0y · 07/02/2024 13:51

Hi OP, I presume you won't be moving to the mid week option immediately? I'd he is just getting unsupervised access EOW now, I presume there's a period of review? How is it all handled? Is this being done through the courts?

From personal experience it's a fine line to show willingness, but also you must show PR for your child if she could be in danger.

Mine were also about 35 minutes away. Ex decided that was way too much and he'd never get to work on time. They was my problem solved :)

Good luck. If your daughter isn't used to it, going from no overnights to EOW plus a week night is a LOT. I feel for you. It is tricky to put the fears away.