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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What do I do....

10 replies

Helpthismumout123 · 07/02/2024 12:03

I always knew my partner liked a drink, but I was desperate for love and a relationship so I overseen this major flaw at the time . When we started dating I told him he was an idiot when he drank , he then started drinking before I came over and hid the cans. I even found an empty bottle of brandy in his bathroom one night.
I fell pregnant a few months into the relationship. He continued drinking but was miserable in his new job, I was to blame for him moving jobs so I felt I could not argue this.
The week I was due to give birth he continued to drink and claimed he would snap out of it if I went in to early labour.
The night we brought our son home he bought a celebratory bottle and drank it the next few nights.
He invited his other son over to stay the night a few times without checking if I was ready for this with a newborn and got extremely drunk every time. He gets vile and rude with a drink and is useless.
He has massively cut down his drinking 'for me'. But at xmas time he got drunk through the day and next day apologised claiming he hated the way he was and wouldn't blame me for leaving and said he would quit. He did.... for a month.... and then the other day he slept in the living room , I seen a bottle in the bin and the air stank. I questioned him, he said rubbish , then said he had a drink but was quitting again. No care given. I don't even know why I am posting , I know he will never change. My son is not even 1 and I have zero friends to turn to.
We are engaged and I can see no future, just a repeat of this same behaviour over and over. I want another baby but cant imagine going through this again with him, with the lack of support. But how would I ever find anyone else now as a single mum.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 07/02/2024 12:05

He's an alcoholic so you need to make a plan to leave him, don't worry about having more children, look after the one you have

BlobOut · 07/02/2024 12:08

He showed you who he was from the beginning. He needs help but only he can sort that. I'm not sure why you decided to get pregnant a few months into a relationship with an alcoholic but as previous poster said for heavens sake don't have any more with him. Leave and sort your life out for you and your dc. This won't improve.

BlobOut · 07/02/2024 12:12

Plenty of people go on to have decent relationships as single parents. But you need to sort your life out as a single parent first. Don't even think about dating until you are established in a stable home/job/life with your child. Don't expect a man to come along and sort this for you as you will just get into another bad relationship.

lindylou67 · 07/02/2024 12:18

I've not long come out of a 9yr relationship with an alcoholic. I've had the I'm sorry and the alcohol clinic but if they don't want to give it up they won't. As for the verbal abuse that became unbearable being called all sorts of names and insulting my children then being told I should go back home numerous times after I gave everything up for him. I've had the emotional blackmail ie. If you leave I'll drink myself to death. So when he told me I should move back to my hometown in 2021 I did. Now I couldn't be happier.

Janetsmug · 07/02/2024 12:42

When you think about being single OP is that thought really worse than your (very accurate) prediction that this behaviour will continue on repeat and that this will be your life? You can see he won't/can't change so you know exactly what you're signing up for if you stay, whereas leaving would mean there was at least the chance of a different, better future for you and your son. Being with this man will only ever drag you down and prevent you having options in life, don't limit yourself like that OP, he's not worth it Flowers

cheezncrackers · 07/02/2024 12:58

OP, for goodness sake leave this loser and work on your self respect. Being so desperate for love and a relationship that you'll overlook the fact that your new partner is a drunk is a recipe for disaster. You made a massive mistake by getting together with him and an even worse one getting pregnant, but what's done is done. Leave, get your DS away from this pathetic excuse for a father and please stop valuing yourself so little that you think any partner is better than none. As you now see, that's not the case!

Helpthismumout123 · 07/02/2024 13:01

Harsh but true

OP posts:
Menomeno · 07/02/2024 13:08

You’ll find good advice here. https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

You can’t stop him drinking. The three Cs - you didn’t CAUSE it, you can’t CONTROL it, you can’t CURE it. You seem worried that you won’t have a relationship in future as a single Mum. Al-Anon will help you look at co-dependency. There’s no reason why you’ll always be single if you have a child, but that’s really not something to be worrying about right now. If you work on looking at the reasons you’re so desperate to be in a relationship, it will stop you getting into a bad relationship in the future.

You and your child are the priority, and you need to put both of you first. You can’t do that while you’re living in the crazy world of someone else’s active addiction.

Al-Anon UK | For families & friends of alcoholics

Al-Anon Family Groups are for the families & friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength & hope in order to solve their common problems.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

Watchkeys · 07/02/2024 13:12

What do you do?

You leave.

If you need advice on practicalities, contact Women's Aid, they will be able to suggest routes and support to you that you will never even have thought of.

Don't bring your child up without showing them how to not put up with disrespect. Show them how to leave when treated poorly. It will save their adulthood from so much misery, and it's in your hands.

perfectcolourfound · 08/02/2024 07:45

Please please please leave him. I've been there, and it's damaging for you and your children.

His main relationship is with alcohol. It is more important to him than your feelings or your happiness. It speaks louder than you. He will lie, hide things, blame you, say you're imagining it, he can give up any time he likes, he just likes the taste, you're controlling. And you'll be scared to leave your children with him in case he falls asleep / drink drives with them / does weird stuff and frightens them.

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