Abusive Ex - What shall I do?

[LizzyM100]

I need some 3rd party perspective please as I have no idea whether my abusive ex is being genuine or it's all a trap.

I was with him for 7 years and throughout our relationship the emotional abuse got worse along with his wandering eye. We were engaged for 4 years and he always had excuses as to why we couldn't get married. When we broke up things got physically abusive, verbally abusive and we still lived together in our house while we were separated.

We tried again one last time and things were going well until there was another physical incident - I then finished it for good. We then carried on living together but my life was hell, he stole stuff and made out like I'd lost it, called me names and physically hurt me. After another physical incident occurred, police were involved and I moved out.

The house is up for sale and I've offered to sacrifice my money in the house for a quick sale so I can find my own place as I can't afford to pay my part of the mortgage and rent.

He says he's going to 'review it' and once he's reviewed it if we can meet for a coffee - he also asked If I missed him. He also says he's struggling and mentally in a bad place.

For some stupid reason I feel bad for him and I'm wondering whether we can make it work - if this space has made him change. On the other hand I'm worried it might be a ploy - my head is all over the place.

I'm mentally not in a great place to see him (I've been recently diagnosed with PTSD) as I'm worried that as soon as I do all my feelings will come back. How do I move on with my life and release this hold he has on me.

Don't meet him. He's trying to suck you back in.

He's already assaulted you more than once. Did you call the police?

You're in danger from him. Who cares if he's struggling mentally? He's a bully.

And do get the advice is Women's Aid. Don't sacrifice your money for a quick sale!

As for him saying he'll "review it", he is just being controlling.
I'm glad you got away from him.

But don't meet up with him at all. Get a solicitor involved.

As a victim of DV and coercive control it seems clear to me that this is a manipulation. Find me a reformed abuser! They don't exist. Look up the "cycle of abuse" - this is EXACTLY how they manipulate and drag you back in. Don't go for the coffee. Follow the link for some ideas on support you can get.

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

@TheShellBeach I spoke to women's aid this morning and they've given me a number for free legal advice to call. I'm waiting for trauma therapy so hopefully that will help try to manage my thoughts.

Just so hard to know what the best thing is to do

OP although it's a massive thing to do, you have to split up. I left my violent husband eventually but I shouldn't have stayed as long as I did.

The hold he has on you isn't a hold he has on you. He's just some bloke. He doesn't have any power more than your next door neighbour or any other random person.

The hold you think he has on you is coming from you. You have reasons for creating it, and you will have learned these in childhood, most likely by learning, somewhere along the way, that dismissing your own feelings to poor behaviour was what resulted in a more harmonious outcome.

You have to look at why his behaviour affects you so much. If NDN met up with you and tried to tempt you to converse about his desire to review an idea of yours, and gave you a story about how poor his mental health was, what would it make you think of him, and why is that different?

Don't communicate verbally or in person.

Even if he has changed, and become Mr Perfect, he's Mr-Perfect-With-A-History-Of-Abusing-You. That's not perfect, is it? And it can't be erased. The damage is done, and he did it.

Of course it's a ploy.

Evil people don't suddenly become good human beings.

He's trying to rerl you back in. It's a big old trap.

Never meet him again. And no more communication with him outwith your lawyer.

'No' and 'because I don't want to' are complete, valid sentences. Remember that.

You dont owe abusive men anything.

You owe yourself safe choices that keep you away from him.

Reading that resembled the lies and manipulations my ex spun when we split and had the house to get rid of.
Just get the house sold and block him everywhere.

Thanks - I just have this panic that I'm doing the wrong thing even though I know realistically I'm not. I've been coping fine and all of a sudden its hit me again and I think I still love him.

I normally have a book I recorded everything in and I re-read it but even that's not working

The fact that you love him isn't mutually exclusive from the fact that he has abused you.

The fact that he has abused you is the absolute 100% certain reason that you must not have a further relationship with him. The fact that you love him is an inconvenience, and something for you to figure out.

Why does love feel like this for you? Like something that gets felt in a panic when you think you're losing someone? Like something that means you mustn't let go of someone, however much harm they've done you?

You are trying to 'work him out'... What is he doing, why is he doing it, what does it mean etc... this process is part of an anxious attachment style. If you can work out exactly what's going on for him, you'll be able to work out exactly the right thing to do, right? But, with a secure attachment style, you'd simply be saying 'I can't work him out and I'm not sure of his motives, so I'm going to stay away from him.'

There is no 'working out' in a healthy relationship. You and the other person make sense to each other, and, on the odd occasion when you don't, you have a chat and get clarification. There's no guessing, and very rarely any 'not knowing' or 'not understanding'.

Your idea of love is wrapped up with trauma. Work out why. You might not want to say on here, but work out who first made you feel that way. Violent parent? Pre-occupied parent whose attention you had to make an effort to get? Addicted parent? Parents' attention always on demanding sibling? This is about you, not him. He is merely a symptom.