I'm just posting on here for a bit of support.
I'm a 31 year old woman, I have borderline personality disorder which has plagued every single one of my relationships.
I was seeing a man for four months, he was really unwilling to commit, only wanted to see me once every couple of weeks, would rarely open up. This really triggered me and I began drinking a lot more alcohol and then texting/phoning him saying crazy things.
On Saturday he took me out for dinner, we came back to my house, had sex and drinks and then we had another argument instigated by me as they always are. He left the next afternoon and then voice noted to tell me he couldn't continue with things anymore. He still wants to check in every once in a while to see if I'm okay and hear how my life is going but it's over. This was Monday.
We have been in contact here and there since then, initiated by me but he always responds, however, is very cold. I keep demanding answers from him, 'do you still find me attractive?' 'Is there someone else?' 'Do you hate me?' He answers my questions but this isn't his responsibility. To be honest, due to my BPD I find endings very very difficult and I tend to panic and almost go into a state of shock.
I keep crying and feel really pathetic as it was only 4 months and we weren't serious at all, despite me wanting us to be. I've decided to, for once in my life, respect his decision and not contact him anymore. I haven't contacted him today so I guess this is day 1.
I'm just so over myself. I ruin every relationship I'm in and dread to think about how many lovely men I have pushed away throughout my life. I then start to question well maybe they just weren't meeting my needs and I only have the confidence to say it when I'm drunk.
I need to work on myself, I am in self destruct mode, I am so unhappy, I am the lowest I've ever been. I feel motivated to make a change though. Im booked into therapy next Wednesday so that's a start, im going to just try and be kinder to myself. I keep imagining the little girl inside me and speaking to her as I know my issues stem from trauma.
Im so sick of the way I've been living, I can't continue like this.
Is anyone else going through a break up? If you can even call mine that? Anyone else doing no contact/healing/working on themselves?