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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me with my baseless jealously :-(

19 replies

YouWillGoOnMyFirstWhistle · 07/02/2024 11:01

My husband has a work friend. They have worked together for years. And she’s attractive and thin. Smiley, friendly, nice. She’s married with kids herself. I don’t really know her, other than to say hello to.

They do text each other occasionally but it’s work-related stuff as far as I know. I don’t look at his phone but he’s not secretive or anything about it.

At the Christmas party they chatted a lot, they are clearly quite tight. My husband did draw me into the conversation more than once, it’s not like he ignored me in favour of her or anything like that but to be honest I felt like she did try to exclude me a little bit. At one point she kind of dragged him away from me to the bar (she was drunk though - and he just extracted himself and came back over).

I just…don’t like it. I’m not a jealous person. I’m really not. I just feel a bit sick about this and I really don’t know why.

I can’t put my finger on it. My husband hasn’t done anything wrong (or I have no reason to believe that he has). He’s a great husband, great dad, but we are tired, we are mired in child rearing and domestic drudgery and there’s not a lot of sex/time together. I feel fat and so boring and unattractive and I feel like she’s so nice and attractive and bubbly he simply must fancy her to some extent.

I also know that I’m probably being irrational and I know he hasn’t done anything wrong. It’s playing on my mind a lot and I don’t know what to do. I don’t have an issue with him having female friends at all (although he doesn’t really - just this one and one other who I really like).

OP posts:

Babadook76 · 07/02/2024 11:08

Trust your gut. You don’t sound like a jealous person, but this woman has put you on edge. There is every chance your oh has done nothing wrong (physically), he’s happy for you to meet her etc. But from what you’ve said, it’s clear that she fancies him, and he’s allowed a bit of inappropriate behaviour to the point she feels comfortable dragging your own husband away from you in a bar. It maybe sounds like he’s using her as a bit of an ego boost letting her flirt with him, act like she had priority of his attention over you etc. When really he should have shut that shit down RIGHY away! If this was happening to my oh and I was deliberately being excluded and made uncomfortable with my own husband, he’d have very unsubtley removed HER from the situation and blanked her for the night, not me.

MMmomDD · 07/02/2024 11:23

Look - in reality - the daily drudgery and how you feel about yourself is really the issue here.
You look at a smiley and thin woman, chatting to your H - and your mind goes - danger….

Why are you so down on yourself? Can you do anything to change it - get in better shape; get some help with kids so you and your H can have some adult time, etc?

You can choose the other approach - make an issue of his friendship and demand he stops chatting with her. However - this won’t really change anything in your relationship or how you feel.

She is not a threat to your marriage. She probably likes attention - likes being ‘popular’ in the office. We all know people like that. She is not after your H.

But being in a rut - always tired and being co-parents rather than romantic partners - that is a real threat. This is why marriages break down when kidS grow up and there is nothing left in the relationship.

HappyFitnessQueen · 07/02/2024 11:24

Do you think this is really about how you feel about yourself rather than her? And I mean that in the nicest way...she sounds kind of annoying and it's ok to try and be rational about how you feel towards her and then fail!

Why do you feel so uninteresting and unattractive? Do you want to change this? Are there some changes you can make to build up your confidence again? Ideas: haircut, time out with friends, exercise or pursuit of some other hobby etc.

Original poster

YouWillGoOnMyFirstWhistle · 07/02/2024 11:27

You can choose the other approach - make an issue of his friendship and demand he stops chatting with her

yeah. I’ve been thinking about the outcome I want here, and i don’t want to be that person who tells him he can’t be friends with her. This is about me. You’re right.

OP posts:

Original poster

YouWillGoOnMyFirstWhistle · 07/02/2024 11:29

I don’t really have any friends any more. I live far from my family and I’m quite lonely. I can’t really seem to find it in me to get back out there. I’m busy with work and the kids and I’m trying to decorate the house. I don’t really have a lot of time or energy just now

OP posts:

Original poster

YouWillGoOnMyFirstWhistle · 07/02/2024 11:57

Yeah. All seems quite obvious when you see it written down.

OP posts:

Tumbler2121 · 07/02/2024 11:59

My ex husband had a work friend. I trusted him 100% and was glad that he had a friend there as he hated his job (he changed roles within the organisation several times and still hated the job).

When he left, allegedly not because of anything to do with us, but because he was unhappy and had to change his life, she was supportive.

They are married now.

peachgreen · 07/02/2024 12:12

Would your DH be receptive to you talking to him about it, just as you've done here? You've been very clear that you know that it's about you, not him, and that he hasn't done anything wrong – if I spoke to my DP about a similar issue he would be reassuring but also firmly no-nonsense (i.e. not enabling me!) which would help me a lot.

Quitelikeit · 07/02/2024 12:16

So it’s ok to flirt and fancy someone if your married?

Not in my book it isn’t.

Put your foot down. This is how affairs begin.

Aside from stopping the texts outside of work not sure what he could do tho?

Tittyfilarious81 · 07/02/2024 12:49

I do sometimes think that as women we get a gut feeling and a sense of when another women is getting to friendly with our partner and see it even before our DH see it as a problem. In your shoes I'd tell my DH that I'm uncomfortable with how she is around him and you feel shes getting too close and you find it upsetting. With my own DH id have said something the minute my senses tingled .

WhatWillAPearDoAtNight · 07/02/2024 12:50

peachgreen · 07/02/2024 12:12

This, just talk to him, he's your husband.

Original poster

YouWillGoOnMyFirstWhistle · 07/02/2024 12:57

Yeah. I’ll maybe talk to him. I don’t want to make it worse. Come off as a big miserable moan. Urgh.

OP posts:

WSJ · 07/02/2024 13:08

Gut feeling isn’t always right, it’s how jealousy manifests itself. Doesn’t sound like much to me to be honest. Most men will find a slim pretty woman attractive regardless of whether they are married or not but it doesn’t mean they are going to do anything about it.

I think your relationship is in a rut and this is why you are feeling like this: make some changes and see how it goes.

Original poster

YouWillGoOnMyFirstWhistle · 07/02/2024 14:27

Thank you. This is all really helpful.

i didn’t notice him being overly flirty towards her, to be fair. He was friendly, but just chatting. Sometimes I think he takes me for granted a bit though. He’s all chat and charm with everyone else but I don’t really get the best of him at home, when he’s tired and wrangling the kids (who are challenging right now).

maybe it’s that. Maybe I just wish he put the same effort in.

OP posts:

febgmt2200 · 07/02/2024 14:30

The dragging him away from you to the bar is a power-play. Her confidence fuelled by alcohol.

I've seen it enough to find it tiresome.

Original poster

YouWillGoOnMyFirstWhistle · 07/02/2024 14:33

febgmt2200 · 07/02/2024 14:30

The dragging him away from you to the bar is a power-play. Her confidence fuelled by alcohol.

I've seen it enough to find it tiresome.

Yes. I know this but I couldn’t articulate it. And I feel like it sounds a bit crazy to say it out loud.

I mean what can you actually do in that moment though?

OP posts:

Hereyoume · 07/02/2024 16:11

If you want to end your marriage, the quickest way to accomplish it would be to display jealousy and start isseuing ultimatums.

What you think about this woman is a direct reflection of the way you feel about yourself. You're not upset because you think she is attractive, you're upset because you think YOU aren't attractive.

If you push him on this, you will just confirm that SHE is more pleasant to be around than you. Don't let your DH get into that mindset. He married you, not her, so be the woman he married.

febgmt2200 · 07/02/2024 16:18

@YouWillGoOnMyFirstWhistle you cannot win in a situation where another woman is pulling away your DH from you. If you don't speak up, you're a pushover, and if you do speak up, you're deranged, paranoid and jealous.

You need to get to the point where not only do you find it tiresome, but he does too. He might not find it tiresome but you need to make him realise that you and he are a team, and if you find that sort of behaviour tiresome (and silly, and disrespectful, etc.) then he needs to act accordingly. E.g. he should not allow himself to be dragged away. There are a number of ways of resisting being dragged away for heaven's sake.

Did she physically drag him?

watcherofpie · 08/02/2024 12:11

I'm not sure it is baseless as you've seen how comfortable they are with each other. He might not be giving her more attention in front of you but that could be a different story at work. There's two in my office, always having breaks together and going for lunch... bet their husband and wife don't know how close they are.

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