You’ve all been so kind in talking to me about my ADHD diagnosis. Can I ask as I suffer terribly from it, is it linked with intense feelings of rejection?

[Rainbow03]

I feel a real pain when I feel it. I can walk into a room and I can feel it immediately from people and I find it hard to brush off.

Sometimes I’m not sure if it’s even real and they don’t like me. Maybe it’s because I’m older (40) and have had to live undiagnosed with people just not being drawn to me because I do or feel differently. I feel it from my mum and always did do growing up. She is undiagnosed because she is stubborn but she is definitely ND, 69 and cant spell or read or write well, she was very cold emotionally growing up and prone to angry outbursts and depression. She suffered with rejection terrible and always felt the victim, still does.

I feel things very intensely when I do something’s wrong. It led to a wrong diagnosis in the past.

absolutely. It's called Rejection Sentivity dysmorphia. It's one of the symptoms that alerted me to my own ADHD, as I've always felt very keenly the end of relationships, over thought friendships, I worry about what others think a fair bit and have had to learn to let this go.

https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-adhd-symptom-test/

@chemicalworld I’ve had so many sleepless nights over whether my in-laws like me or not recently. I mean it causes me pain and it’s ridiculous because why does it matter…but it does.

I thought I was a narcissist. My ex claimed he had ADHD and he did experience rejection very badly. Only he had very physical symptoms and he shouted and swore and hit out and threw stuff. He could never accept any blame and I always took all the blame very easily.

I'm not sure I'd be quick to link this to ADHD. The whole 'you have a disorder because you find things difficult' places the 'blame' with you. It sounds like you haven't had people around you who are kind and supportive and you've experienced some trauma. Struggling with your feelings as a result is a normal response to trauma and unhealthy relationships. I wouldn't say there is anything 'wrong' with you as a result and I wouldn't be so quick to think it's just an aspect of ADHD that you have to live with. It could be that you need to talk to someone about that, you need support for boosting your feelings of self-worth and confidence, and you can set healthier boundaries for relationships with people in your life. Your ex with 'ADHD' just sounds abusive, pure and simple, and no wonder you are struggling if that's how people in your life have treated you.

@mindutopia it’s not the only thing I struggle with but yes I definitely think I’ve picked up trauma along the way. I’ve been told it’s very difficult to distinguish between ADHD and complex-ptsd for example. I do know I’ve been “different” since I was born. I didn’t read till I was 5 and still struggle to read out loud, it’s all moves around. I hate loud noises and parties and people dressed up.

It sometimes does help to put it into context though, because once you understand that you have a tendency to worry and overthink, you can be aware of this and moderate it.

@chemicalworld yes at the moment it seems to go unchecked and grows. If it’s a symptom then I know that I maybe making a bigger deal then needs to. It changes a lot. Even if it’s trauma talking because that changes the brain to be more like an ADHD brain so I’ve read.

Why is not reading until 5 an issue 😬

while I don’t doubt your diagnosis, this does not sound like a symptom of ADHD.

it sounds like dyslexia.

often learning impairments come in clusters, so I’d check for dyslexia too.

Yeah sorry I got that messed up, I didn’t speak till much later and had to go for speech therapy, then struggled to get my words out and read. Like you say might not be connected.

Even now my brain is going too quick for my mouth and I talk so quick I don’t say words correctly.

Intense feelings of rejection are also associated with disorders such as EUPD. I have not particularly noticed it in those I have known or worked with who have a diagnosis of ADHD

I’ve only pointed one symptom here, obviously there are many more that go into a diagnosis that I haven’t included.

Rejection sensitive dysphoria is closely associated with ADHD. I'm thinking that you're thinking ADHD doesn't explain everything and give you all the answers. As a double neurospicy being, I would suggest maybe looking into autism too.

@Mabelface it has been suggested I suggest complex-ptsd on the side lol…but that doesn’t really add up for me…but then not knowing I was ND I’ve picked up a lot of trauma and bad coping mechanisms…I feel like a hole soup of things lol!

Have you read into anxious attachment? This is common in people who grew up with parents who were inconsistent in meeting their emotional needs and can manifest as a fear of rejection in adulthood.

Rejection sensitive dysphoria isn’t a diagnostic criteria for ADHD currently, but is often reported by people with ADHD and may be included future DSMs.

@NotDavidTennant i have looked into it but it doesn’t really fit how I feel. I have I suppose an anxious attachment now as I’ve struggled with attachments/connections with people. If not known how they work, how to make connections, I don’t do them properly, I talk over people, I say the wrong things, I’m too open and I scare people off I’m sure. It’s made me feel like no one will like me over time. I don’t understand small talk, or I don’t have similar topics…I find people so complicated lol

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is commonplace in ADHD. Maybe not all cases but I certainly relate to it in my own diagnosis. If your ADHD symptoms grind you down the RSD certainly kicks you in the teeth. I recognise it and, on a daily basis, have to remind myself that these are my own (harsh) feelings rather than others' opinions and that I should be more compassionate to my own negative emotions. I can be very reactionary to criticism in the heat of the moment unfortunately.

Yep, it's the hardest thing to deal with, I think.

Massive issue for me too, OP.

Mindutopia - do you actually know anything about ADHD or did you just comment regardless? OP as others have said Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is part of ADHD, I've even read it exists in ALL cases. There is an element of neurodiversity when we're constantly told our thinking is 'wrong', and you've had additional trauma but beyond that it's the way the ADHD brain works, we grasp onto things, good or bad and process them in an extreme way. Excitement or over stimulation leads to hyperactivity which is difficult to come down from, it's almost mania for me. Criticism leads to deep feelings of worthlessness which mimics depression but fortunately for me doesn't last longer than a few hours but I don't half put myself through the ringer in those hours! I'm not sure anything can be done, but acknowledging it helps me ride the highs and lows. oh and btw if you're not on ADHD meds, they can really help with RSD.

ADHD is one of those disorders that tends to come as a package deal with other issues, partly because by the time we get diagnosed we have already collected years of bad experiences

I'm terrified of rejection and I've grown to expect it even if I know it's not true and I have lovely friends and family. But my brain holds onto strong emotions and a lot of them belong not to the self-aware and diagnosed woman in her 30s, but to a child who struggled to make friends and was always told she did something wrong

Oh @Skinhorse yes I also put myself through the ringer, I drag up everything and everyone who has rejected me leading me to believe I am actually not likeable…it normally takes me a day or so to process the situation. I usually come to the conclusion that I am wrong and I’m other thinking then I crawl out of the hole I go into, it’s bloody awful. The more I tell myself I’m over thinking the easier it is to move away from. But the brain it just holds on so tightly to these feelings.

oh yes @PaintedEgg my brain also holds on to the feelings of when I was small. Feeling like an absolute black sheep, never fitting in or understanding and feeling so wrong in the world. I often wish I can go back to my younger self and tell her to just be who you want and it be ok. I hated socialising and forced myself so much I felt ridiculous, I wish I could tell myself to stay at home, be happy and confident in what I want to do and what I don’t. But we don’t live in that world and I didn’t know. I certainly will make sure my 2 daughters feel comfortable in whatever skin they are in!

My teenage son has ADHD, and he experiences some of the emotions and symptoms you have described. I have started him with a cognitive behavioural therapist, and it seems to have calmed his emotional responses somewhat. I don't think it has been a magic wand of curing anything, but it has allowed him to consider his feelings, responses to challenging situations and better ways of handling it.