Weird friendships with women.

[malificent7]

Ex colleague. Lovely in so many ways. When I first met her I was a single mum and she would always shower dd and I with gifts including money. This made me feel very uncomfortable and asked her to stop but she refused. When I met my now dh she kept commenting on how she couldn't cope with his good relationship with his ex wife with whom they share a dd.
When I got married she didn't come to the reception when invited and afterwards referred to his ex as his other wife. She also didn't say congratulations but reminded me of some times when he'd upset me ( now resolved). She sounded spiteful. Weird so I blocked her. I feel like she liked it when I was a charity case ( in her eyes) but when I got a house and a dh she turned.

2nd...met a lot younger after splitting up with abusive ex. She used to compete a lot and went out with my exes. She told me " at least Im not that pretty."
I had no self esteen back then so didn't dump. Fast forward and our parents are together( long story) abd we are very distant as her dd was horrid to mine and she was upset that my dd no longer wanted to hang out as apparently they are cousins. They are not cousins and i dont force dd to be friends with other kids.
Also gossped about some anti anxiety pillsI was on to another friend.

Both weird friendships. I acknowledge i'm partly to blame and being assessed for asd. I do want sime healthy frienships though.

What do you all think?

I’m not too sure what the question is. However it’s hard to give an opinion as your account is very one sided and you’ve not really told us about how you’re ‘partly to blame’.

Based on what you said the first one sounds like a rescuer she likes helping those less fortunate. She may have felt pushed out when you met your dh.

The second doesn't sound like a friend at all

Neither women are friends. Stop considering them as such and relegate them to people you know. Friendship should be lovely and supportive.

Thank you. I guess my questions are...are these wierd friendshios and what does a healthy friendship look like?
How can I make healthier friends in the future and why did I get into thrse unhealthy friendshios in the first place?

The second one is harder as our parents are together she is often hangibg round my dad. It feels unhealthy so it probably is.

I suppose I'm partly to blame as I confided in these women. They used my confidence against me.
I think i need a councellor...not friends.

I understand your confusion and how difficult it is to define what a healthy friendship looks like, going on your previous experiences. imo, any friends who are happy to have you as " beneath them" or like to make digs at your expense or like to gossip about you, are not friends - so neither of them are! Real friends will support you, raise your self esteem, keep your confidences, be your ally... No ones perfect and they may do things that piss you off, but it won't be at your expense. You won't question if they have your back, you'll feel it in your core.

I'll give you an example - way back, I used to have a friend who knew everything about me - all the icky stuff, my insecurities, my lack of confidence, my low self esteem, my shyness, my introversion, my punishing self doubt, all of which I largely kept hidden at risk of making myself vulnerable to the outside world. But this friend I trusted, thought she had my best interests at heart and wanted the best for me as I did her, so I was happy to be raw and exposed to her. Until one day when it all fell apart and showed me who she really was and what she really thought of me. I was meeting one of her friends for the first time ( note, she liked to keep me separate from her other friends and didn't like me to mix) and over a few drinks, some truths came out. Her friend said " you're nothing like Jane said you were like. You're lovely!" . Apparently Jane had been telling everyone I was a wallfower with nothing interesting to say, that I was boring and dry and lacking in fun. Jane hasn't bothered to mention my achievements and my good qualities - just dragged out all of my insecurities for strangers to pore over. A real friend, one who actually likes and respects you, would celebrate you, big you up, tell the world how great you are. Not weaponise your insecurities and gossip about you. Long story short, that's how I measure good friendship - by loyalty, integrity, trustworthiness, honesty. And maybe you do need counselling to get to that stage - but sometimes it just comes with age. Don't let anyone piss on your fire op!

You’re not partly to blame because you have ASD.

I’ve got a mother who can be a nightmare….narcissistic, childish behaviours. I think deep down she knows what she’s doing but because I dare to confront her and I have a diagnosis of ASD she tries to blame me.

So try to have a bit more confidence and faith in yourself. You sound perfectly rational and perceptive in your descriptions of these ‘friends’. Often, people with ASD spend a lot of time studying people and working on themselves and become more self-aware than the average person. And take yourself seriously….I used to doubt myself all the time and when I spoke I would be indecisive and unconfident. I don’t act like that anymore and people take me seriously. Except for my idiot of a mother!

Sorry about the counselling session….I’ve been stuck in bed for weeks with a virus (covid?) so I’ve got too much time on my hands!

@AmethystSparkles I think you've hit the nail on the head there - it's that lack of confidence in your own feelings that's the problem. Doubting yourself and your own mind. So, you know your friends being a prick, but you think ' maybe I've read it wrong or I'm being over sensitive or this is just the way normal people act'. (Didn't mention before, but I strongly suspect I'm asd too and also have a narcissistic parent)

Thank you for the input. My late mum was harsh at times too.

I have had a tough time with female friendships over the years. I have neurofibromatosis, which comes with ASD traits. I struggle with filtering the hidden meanings of friendships sometimes. Having suffered the soap opera of the primary school run a few years ago, and worked in very neurotic offices in the past then I have learned a few things about dealing with certain people. What I have learned over the years (and taught my kids) is along the lines of the three wise monkeys. Never tell anyone anything that can be used against you, never comment on other people in a way that could be manipulated (Mort said X about you...) and never accept abusive situations from the point they are first observed. You cannot change people and make them better, or less competitive, or more empathetic or less selfish. Given that, you have to modify your own behaviour and ways of dealing with these sorts of people (we all meet them). There are men out there just as bad as women for being bad friendship candidates, and I think they are better off abandoned at the starting post. That way you can focus on nice people who don't behave this way.

Well the second one is your standard narcissist. Its a big give away when they're supposed to ve your friend but instead, start to turn your life into their competition.

The first one...hmm...she could fall under a more showey, overt narcissist kind of branch who need to be seen to be oh so charitable and giving. But don't actually want good things for you. Or...maybe she was a genuine friend who thought your partner was taking the piss out of you and you just could not see it.