Am I being controlled

[Booshbishpa]

Hi I’m really confused / sad / down don’t even like myself anymore as just constantly feel drained and fed up.
been with my partner 12 years had ups and downs we have 2 children. I just find him very draining. He makes slight comments like “that skirt is short” or he will like smack my bum constantly and I’ll say “stop it’s annoying” and he will say well your asking for it to be smacked with leggings on and a tshirt pulled up you clearly want your ass on show! I find it really insulting when all I’m wearing is my leggings and a top like what??
other examples are I feel like I can’t just let my kids bring friends home from school for tea as don’t know if he will secretly be annoyed cos he’s tired from work, if I invite my sister and her bf round at weekend for food he will have little digs and sulk because her child is a bit hyper and naughty so that annoys him so I constantly feel on edge when people come round incase he isn’t happy they are here :(
he is training to be a personal trainer / nutritionist on top of working a full time job he does work hard but feel like he is constantly nagging me like “stop giving the kids pancakes and Nutella” when they have it probs once a week. Moans about anything I feed them, goes mad if grandparents bring them some sweets round always going on at me to change mine and the kids diet ect, which I get to a degree but he smokes ecigs and constantly drinking energy drinks which is fine but practice what you preach? Tonight is the final straw he told my daughter off and made her really upset he does raise his voice and doesn’t like to think the kids are “taking the mick out of him” so I said do you really need to speak to her like that she is 7! So we fell out and he tried to speak to me before but I said no I’m putting the kids to bed and walked upstairs he said “get back here I’m not finished” like I’m his child! I’ll admit I do walk on eggshells slightly and try to make everything happy for him so his mood makes us all happy :( it’s sad . I’m sad, I think I’ve had enough . I’m that confused I keep saying it’s is me? Is it something I’m doing! I’m a nice person and pretty laid back but I feel numb lately and totally drained like I’m just walking on clouds in a daze. All my friends partners are always moaning how laid back there husbands are and I think to myself god I would love to be with someone who was chilled and laid back not a control freak I get so jealous x sorry for rant feel better to get this of my chest xx

Yes, he sounds awful.

Are you planning to leave him?

Oh he does sound controlling, patronising, just not nice. And you sound very unhappy...it made me feel sad reading that. The smacking your bum thing is really annoying. If you tell him not to do it, he should respect that and just stop. Is your daughter his or from a previous relationship? Would you say the good times outweigh the bad (I mean it doesn't sound like it..)? X

Yes.

He sounds awful, please don't put up with this controlling and belittling behaviour. He is no role model for your children and they should not have to see you being treated so disrespectfully. I can't see what he adds to your life at all. l would be preparing to separate as after 12 years he is unlikely to change.

I'd be worried about what your DC will be learning from him. He is modelling horrible behaviour. Over time your DC will just think this is normal behaviour for a Dad to exhibit. It will affect their own future relationships. For that reason alone I'd be looking to end this toxic relationship. He is disrespectful of you. You spend time walking on eggshells and so do your DC. He's a bully.

Hi thanks for replies - no we have 2 children together 8 and 5. I get whiplash with his moods he can be nice then just snap but it’s everything if the kids have sweets he moans, if people come round he moans, or sulks. Just constantly on egg shells wondering if he’s happy or gonna moan. I’m a sahm and we rent out property I have no money or savings so I really just don’t know how to get out or even where to start!

He’s vile. Get a job asap and see what benefits you would be entitled to.

If he's training.. could he secretly be on steroids?
If not.. this is no way to live.
If you can pick a good time to sit down and talk and tell him how he makes you feel.
If not have you family/ friends that can help you make plans to leave?

Get advice from Women's Aid.

And read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That.

Your post made me feel sad and I can understand where you are coming from as someone who has experienced control in a relationship. Men can be domineering and bossy in comparison to women, although I'm sure women can be too, but it seems like some men have a bit of a superiority complex. Sounds like your partner does.

I get how he feels about healthy eating and wanting his own space but at the same time you're a team and these things should be a discussion. He isn't in charge of you. Ask him why having visitors upsets him and maybe come up with some compromise that certain days are just for the two of you and your kids. So he knows when to expect quiet time. He clearly has some anxiety around that. My partner didn't like my mum turning up at the drop of the hat and she always told me she didn't feel very welcome with him, so I told him how it is.

Compromise or get out because you sound unhappy like a caged bird who wants to be free and relaxed.

I feel awful for you Yes, this is controlling and deeply unpleasant.
You need an exit plan.