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Original poster

Good relationship but maybe just not good enough??

26 replies

Megabox · 06/02/2024 21:24

I am 29 and DP is 34. We have been together for 3 years and everything was going pretty well up until a few months ago. Over the years, I had had my doubts about DPs expression of affection not being as overt or as passionate as mine although I knew he is less emotional and more rational than me but I felt the relationship was otherwise strong - similar values, similar educations and upbringing and we both seemed really happy to find each other after both being unlucky in love for years before this. We had all the nice stages of being in love etc, went on lots of nice trips etc.

However, a comment from a family member about DPs lack of demonstration of going the extra mile for me started off a sinking feeling that I was unsure if this was my forever relationship. This has been a bit of a recurring theme in our relationship where he dutifully does what he feels needs to be done to maintain the relationship but often needs to be asked to make the extra effort, rather than offering. He then states he would have been very happy to if asked. I feel I have always willingly gone the extra mile, with enthusiasm, as was keen to make the relationship work. However over time, I guess I’ve started to feel underwhelmed by the energy I get back, eg, taking turns to make the trip to each other, planning dates etc, again he will always dutifully do things but not always offering.

Another worry I have is that I am more passionate about things in my life, eg. Work, study, life plans, than he is. I am much more keen to have children than he is (he has agreed to it and his parents would love grandkids but I can’t detect any excitement from him about kids and we almost never talk about this any more, as he thinks it’s somewhere long into the future).

I know none of that is really bad and I know he’s trying in his own way. He has been kind to me over the years and been there for me when it mattered. I guess I am just disappointed about how things haven’t really moved forward over the 3 years we’ve been together but now I’m not really sure if I can see a future, as I have started to feel not loved in a deep relationship way, like I am his top priority, and now I have also started to put less into the relationship. When we speak on the phone most days, I feel he talks to me in an almost platonic way; he listens pleasantly and in a friendly way about my day or worries etc but usually doesn’t seem too concerned. I guess this is just his way.

We had discussed getting engaged, but he always saw it as much more of a long term plan (4/5 years or so) than me; he even laughed about the fact that I would have been keen to get engaged much sooner than him, as I thought I had found the one and wanted to move forwards.

I had always thought that when you are in love with the right person, you should feel a really deep feeling from your partner, like they would do anything for you, and you would do the same, but I don’t feel like I have that from him anymore. I feel so heartbroken when I think about ending the relationship, when I do really love him and would really miss him and i don’t want it hurt him. I believe he does love me, but just not in the way I had dreamed of being loved.

I don’t know if I’m unreasonable to expect more in a forever relationship, a feeling that someone is really in love about me, in a deep way and will go the extra mile to make me happy and to move the relationship forward. My family and friends all think I’d find someone who did feel that way about me but I’m sceptical and worried to give up what I have for the perhaps unlikely chance of finding something different. I have come to like lots of small things in the relationship, even silly things like our shared views on hygiene but I know obviously change is always difficult.

Has anyone had any experience with ending what you feel like should be a ‘good’ relationship but you just don’t feel they love you in a deep enough way, compared to how you feel about them? And did you find someone who it just felt ‘right’ with? Or am I chasing an unrealistic dream?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 07/02/2024 06:46

If you constantly have to ask for that extra effort, that may eventually be turned on you as ‘nagging’, so it’s not something you should have to do. You will eventually start to feel resentment, so I think it’s time to look for something better. Don’t get tied to him by a child.

ThisIsaNiceDress · 07/02/2024 06:52

I’m so sorry you feel this way OP. I’ve got a similar experience, and it didn’t end well.
it’s quite possible that you got used to his way of being so much you have started to overlook a lot of signs that when all put together, add to something quite significant. Do you talk about it to your friends? I’d recommend it.
you deserve to feel loved and treasured. If he’s not giving it to you now, it’s unlikely that he ever will. Sending hugs.

ArchetypalBusyMum · 07/02/2024 07:03

Hmm, my DH sounds a bit like that, not massively romantic, agreed to kids but wasn't excited. Not pro active at organising stuff (but energised for other things)
But I had no doubts he was for me, he felt like home in a good way, he got me, made me laugh and showed me loved me albeit in his way.
We've been together 22 years now have 2 kids he adores and I still know he loves me.
We've had tough times and our 'right together' got us through.

So I think if you have to weigh it up, listing things on paper as it were, then there's something missing and you'll maybe feel like you settled which won't help when you have tough times a everyone does.

What's it fell like when you're together, do you feel on each others wavelength?

WSJ · 07/02/2024 07:05

Good luck finding Mr perfect! Needle in a haystack, particularly online!

However, it seems that this one is not going to meet your needs long term so best to end it now.

Opentooffers · 07/02/2024 07:15

For a start, after 3 years, you are still living separately, so things are moving at snail pace and yes if it's going to be years yet before engagement, it's likely to be a long time before DC's, and you could end up wasting your furtile years on him with nothing to show.
The up side is that it's so much easier to end and you can do it on the basis that it hasn't progressed and probably gone backwards over the years. How is your love life with him these days?
You want someone to match your effort, and really, from the start they should be doing so. You might actually find he has been feeling similar and been coasting rather than doing anything about it.
Start by not arranging another date until he has. If it's always you calling him daily, just don't and see if he steps up. This might just fizzle out on it's own without you driving it, then you will know its done.

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/02/2024 07:24

His lack of enthusiasm would really not make me feel wanted. You're a great age now to start again. I think if you married him you would be in a platonic and sexless relationship before you knew what had hit you. I also think you would be at risk of having an affair to get that romantic kick. Now is the time to get out.

Whenwasthis · 07/02/2024 07:25

Only you can decide if he's right or not. It's not great having strong doubts , especially pre engagement etc. But I do question your expectations around passionate romance and affectionate expressions. A lot of decent men - and women - simply aren't straight out of a Bronte novel or Hugh Grant movie. Good luck finding one that is.

TheMoonstone · 07/02/2024 07:29

I would say from experience that if you have to do any weighing-up then it’s not the abiding, wonderful love that is possible. I’m not saying you might not have a perfectly satisfactory situation together, but there is definitely so much more than that.

I met my DP in my forties, unexpectedly, we both felt something far deeper than we’d ever experienced…we feel like home to each other, a sense of belonging and safety that is impossible to explain. On paper, my exH matched me ideologically/educationally/etc but I ended up begging for crumbs and feeling so unappreciated. My DP, even after many years together, makes me feel respected, desired, the centre of his happiness along with the children, again - home. Educationally/socio-economically we wouldn’t match in theory for many people, yet his mind is as enquiring and sharp as mine and his behaviour far more gentlemanly than any other man I’ve known.
It sounds glib but it’s true - when you know, you know.

Original poster
Megabox · 07/02/2024 15:19

Thank you for all the kind and very helpful comments, I really do appreciate it. It’s difficult because I was pretty happy for several years but perhaps I was just resigned to things being like this and didn’t want to be someone always looking for greener grass. I guess I am just worried that this better fit person, who is more demonstrative of their feelings and emotions, through their actions doesn’t exist and I will be disappointed and have ended this relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Megabox · 07/02/2024 15:23

Thanks very much, I Appreciate your comment. I have really tried to convince myself my expectations are too high and that there’s no person out there who would make me feel like that, but it’s probably more of just a general sense of not feeling like I’m someone that it is worth him making a big effort for or feeling totally loved rather than someone who is just nice to ‘have’ and ‘have around’. It’s not that I am expecting a fairly tale with no dramas and always getting on perfectly, I guess I just hoped for a deeper connection than how things have turned out.

OP posts:
OriginalBirds · 07/02/2024 15:24

Megabox · 07/02/2024 15:19

Thank you for all the kind and very helpful comments, I really do appreciate it. It’s difficult because I was pretty happy for several years but perhaps I was just resigned to things being like this and didn’t want to be someone always looking for greener grass. I guess I am just worried that this better fit person, who is more demonstrative of their feelings and emotions, through their actions doesn’t exist and I will be disappointed and have ended this relationship.

It doesn't just sound as if he's not as demonstrative as you'd like, though -- you're three years in, not living together, no apparent plans to, still apparently living at a distance, and he sounds like he just coasts benignly along in life in general, not just in your relationship, dutifully doing what needs to be done, but without any particular enjoyment, involvement.

It's not working for you.

Original poster
Megabox · 07/02/2024 15:26

This was my suspicion that he just might not be ‘the one’, no matter how much I want him to be. I was always sceptical of ‘the one’ and ‘soulmates’ though and had convinced myself we were about as good a match as I might hope. Sadly it now feels like maybe something is just missing. I am just worried there wouldn’t be anyone out there who would match my energy in that way so it feels really scary to give up what I have.

OP posts:
Original poster
Megabox · 07/02/2024 15:30

@Opentooffers You’re right, I really would just love someone to match my energy. I am worried about being too picky and that I’d miss the things I do like about him and not find a better fit. Intimacy has declined tbh as I just feel pressured, as he is always keen, but as I feel like the emotional connection has weakened, so don’t really feel into it so much these days.

OP posts:
Original poster
Megabox · 07/02/2024 15:32

@OriginalBirds There was always the excuse of it being difficult for him to find the kind of work he wants near me and he didn’t like the idea of commuting half the week (wfh the rest) while I am tied into a contract where I am for the next few years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Megabox · 07/02/2024 15:36

Megabox · 07/02/2024 15:23

Thanks very much, I Appreciate your comment. I have really tried to convince myself my expectations are too high and that there’s no person out there who would make me feel like that, but it’s probably more of just a general sense of not feeling like I’m someone that it is worth him making a big effort for or feeling totally loved rather than someone who is just nice to ‘have’ and ‘have around’. It’s not that I am expecting a fairly tale with no dramas and always getting on perfectly, I guess I just hoped for a deeper connection than how things have turned out.

@Whenwasthis sorry I somehow didn’t at you

OP posts:
Original poster
Megabox · 07/02/2024 15:37

Megabox · 07/02/2024 15:26

This was my suspicion that he just might not be ‘the one’, no matter how much I want him to be. I was always sceptical of ‘the one’ and ‘soulmates’ though and had convinced myself we were about as good a match as I might hope. Sadly it now feels like maybe something is just missing. I am just worried there wouldn’t be anyone out there who would match my energy in that way so it feels really scary to give up what I have.

@TheMoonstone sorry moonstone this was in reply to you

OP posts:
Original poster
Megabox · 07/02/2024 15:39

@OriginalBirds We have only ever really met once per week, max twice if I made the effort to go via public transport in the week or if he happened to be passing through the area; which has always been disappointing to me tbh

OP posts:
Minikievs · 07/02/2024 15:39

@Megabox I have just ended a three year relationship for almost the exact same reasons that you have put in your OP.
I am older than you and divorced with kids (as was ex) but everything else is the same. He just kind of....plods along. Said he loved me immensely, but actions speak louder than words. And actually he was just.....nice. I don't think he rocked my world as he just didn't have enough emotion to make me feel like I mattered enough to him. He never prioritised me. Ever.
And then I went through a period of intense regret because I've ended it, and he's just.....nice. What if no one else will be that nice to me?!

But actually, long term, it ISN'T enough. Not for me anyway.
I certainly wouldn't have stuck with it for as long if I'd been planning to have kids with him. It's slightly different because I'm older I think. There's no way it'd be enough for me at 29 (I mean, it's not enough for me at 46!)

Original poster
Megabox · 07/02/2024 15:44

@ThisIsaNiceDress thanks for your kind comment, I think you have likely hit the nail on the head, I have become used to these things which were never what I had wanted in a relationship. I am the kind of person who always thought when I met the right person I would be happy to move along quite quickly but obviously this just hasn’t happened. I am held back by fear of upsetting him but also worries that I won’t find the qualities I do like in someone else (he is very tolerant of my excessive concerns re: hygiene, very intelligent, sensible with money etc). I guess I really need to do some thinking,. I keep hoping it would all become clear to me exactly what to do somehow

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 07/02/2024 15:48

We have only ever really met once per week, max twice if I made the effort to go via public transport in the week or if he happened to be passing through the area; which has always been disappointing to me tbh

Oh dear. Oh dear. The one thing I have learned from being on Mumsnet is that if a guy is really into you, then you know about it. He will climb mountains and walk across fire if you need anything. A man who can't be arsed to visit his gf isn't that into her. You are a decent placemarker for now but he's waiting for another. You can do better OP, especially if you want children. He will show his offspring the same"meh, cant be bothered" as he's showing you.

Original poster
Megabox · 07/02/2024 15:50

Minikievs · 07/02/2024 15:39

@Megabox I have just ended a three year relationship for almost the exact same reasons that you have put in your OP.
I am older than you and divorced with kids (as was ex) but everything else is the same. He just kind of....plods along. Said he loved me immensely, but actions speak louder than words. And actually he was just.....nice. I don't think he rocked my world as he just didn't have enough emotion to make me feel like I mattered enough to him. He never prioritised me. Ever.
And then I went through a period of intense regret because I've ended it, and he's just.....nice. What if no one else will be that nice to me?!

But actually, long term, it ISN'T enough. Not for me anyway.
I certainly wouldn't have stuck with it for as long if I'd been planning to have kids with him. It's slightly different because I'm older I think. There's no way it'd be enough for me at 29 (I mean, it's not enough for me at 46!)

@Minikievs Oh wow, reading your story is almost like reading about myself strangely. He says the same things to me, that he loves me immensely but yet, I don’t see much evidence of it from his actions. Although he must get something out of keeping me around, maybe just the status of having someone and occasional intimacy. :(
The part where you say he just didn’t have enough emotion to make you feel like you mattered is exactly how I feel. I don’t think it’s personal to me but it feels like he’s not that emotional or passionate about anything really. I suspect I am one of the better things going on in his life and that he does like having me around, even he does say things like that to me but it’s just hard to believe it when it’s just words.

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 07/02/2024 15:50

OP, if he wanted to marry you he would. Not all men are demonstrative, although they may love deeply, but this doesn't sound like that kind of man. You can do better.

Original poster
Megabox · 07/02/2024 15:53

@AutumnFroglets i felt like that was partly my fault as I didn’t want to go and stay at his house every weekend, as he would have liked, as have my own things going on, visiting my friends etc. I am more someone to want regular contact than just feeling like a ‘weekend girlfriend’ if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Minikievs · 07/02/2024 16:02

@Megabox Oh gosh, yes, exactly the same. I actually genuinely think I WAS the best thing in his life. He has two kids of his own but isn't especially close to one and one has some issues.
But he just couldn't bring himself to show me in the right way (the right way for me anyway)
I actually don't doubt that he loved me in his own way but the lack of emotion just had me tearing my hair out by the end.
My ex shows very little emotion in his whole life, not just regards me. And that might be right for him, but it is not right for me.
This man is not the right man for you to settle down with. Certainly not to have kids with. And you would be settling in the other sense of the word too.
He's not necessarily WRONG. But he's wrong for you.
Best of luck in moving on Flowers

AutumnFroglets · 07/02/2024 17:19

Megabox · 07/02/2024 15:53

@AutumnFroglets i felt like that was partly my fault as I didn’t want to go and stay at his house every weekend, as he would have liked, as have my own things going on, visiting my friends etc. I am more someone to want regular contact than just feeling like a ‘weekend girlfriend’ if that makes sense.

It still would have been you putting the effort in. You going to his. You. Where is his effort?

But it doesn't really matter anymore. You are no longer happy with the relationship, it's not going to change for the better, it's doubtful he will step up for more than a month if he even cares to, so now what? An unsatisfying and ultimately sad, relationship that rumbles on until you are too old for children or ? Would he consider counselling?

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