End of another relationship

[carolcarebear]

Using an old username...

Single mum to 2 DC. 3rd relationship that's ended since my divorce 7 years ago. I've been through a journey since my divorce - learned to love myself for the first time, rediscovered who I am/what I want out of life and have created a life/house/routine that me and my DC all love. I've got great friends and family, a job I enjoy, hobbies I adore and we have a happy home that after so many years of shit makes me so proud.

But if I'm honest, I'm lonely. I want someone to share this life with. This last guy, only saw him for a year (and he never met DC) but I could really imagine building a life with him eventually. We wanted the same things but I found him to be so irrationally jealous that I knew it would only get worse. In the end it was a mutual decision though we still love eachother.

Today is one of those days where life feels too tiring and my love life feels like clown shoes. I just want to hide under my duvet and stare out the window. Feel like I'll never find someone. And maybe that's okay; I'm so happy as I am but I long for a soulmate. Feels like there's something missing but I guess that's just an ancient problem. Helps to share anyway... anyone feel similar? Any advice appreciated...

I’m the same. I think it’s typical of modern dating. No such thing as soulmates anymore just people come and go but people of my generation (I’m in my 40s) have been conditioned from my parents, Disney films etc to want someone in my life and had to really work at unconditioning and being happy with who I am.
In my day, the biggest insult was ‘if you carry on like that you’ll be all alone’ ‘you’ll grow old alone’ etc. But I realised we all end up alone anyway.

I have a six year old and I find it hard to date as a single parent. I have been in a relationship for a year but he's never met my child, it's still lonely as if I didn't have a child I'd be making plans for the future with a partner but everything just feels like it has to be sacrificed. Which obviously is how it should be, I won't move Someone in just because I get lonely. You will find someone op.

It's true about being conditioned, and part of that is if I'm honest, I feel like it's a bad thing to be single especially as a parent. Though I know I do want someone, don't want to be keeping myself busy as a diversion.

Maybe this will pass...

Stop telling yourself how much you love yourself and that you've finally got that problem fixed. If you can't be happy single, you haven't managed that yet.

What do you want from a partner?

It has passed for me. Took me until nearly 50 to realise that it's men who need women and so have created this lie that the only way to be happy is to be in a couple. Women thrive when they get past the lie that being single is a lonely way to live. Persevere- a happy life lies ahead for you.

I feel like it's a bad thing to be single especially as a parent

Maybe ask yourself why you believe a total falsehood and start from there.

Your OP states you love yourself however everything else you say screams the opposite. Learning to be truly happy on your own is the key. Until you find that, you will keep choosing a partner for the wrong reasons.

Sorry but if you can't be happy single then you won't ever be happy in a relationship. I took 7 years after my divorce for myself and child before either even thought about moving on and now happily married with another 3 children

I hear you, OP. You're not alone in feeling this.

I'm feeling you OP. Divorced 10 years this year and my third relationship has just come to an end too.
I have hobbies, a happy home, great friends, a good job (I don't particularly enjoy it but that's another issue...)
I KNOW I'm a good person.
I just feel sad that what I thought was going to see me into my twilight years (I'm mid 40s but you know what I mean 😂) has come to an end.
I'm lonely too. Not necessarily day to day, but it's comfortable and warming to be part of a "partnership".
Is there room in your clown shoes for two, I'll join you.

I have never had the same feeling as you about relationships. I saw men as a bit of an inconvenience because as soon as you have a partner you have to consider them. From the small stuff like what can I watch on TV in the dark to the big stuff like which city shall I live in.

I think having a mindset that is single is bad means people, both men and women are more likely to make mistakes.

Is there room in your clown shoes for two, I'll join you.

Can we start a clown shoe club? I'm down for that.

Clown Shoes Club; got a certain ring to it! 😄 More the merrier though it's a bit of a shit club ha ha but I do have wine...

Interesting that my post screams that I don't love myself. I don't think it does but can't hurt to try that idea on.

When I say being single feels like a bad thing for a parent I mean this comes from my conditioning from childhood. I don't actually believe it. To stop me worrying when I was a child, my mum told me that dogs are born knowing how to cross the road and actually 10% of me still believes that!

I definitely understand the thought that men need women more than women need men. In fact, there are so many reasons to hate men en masse when you look at the statistics (individually is a different matter). And yet...

What do I want from a partner? An uncomplicated soul who works hard, is loyal, has good morals and a social conscience and is up for a laugh. And a nice bum and a good dancer would be a bonus 💭

No advice. I've been single for 7 years now. Last relationship ended because the man concerned wanted me to 'get rid of ds at least half the time'.

Ds was 9 at the time.

Instead I stopped looking. Ds is now 16 and I'll start looking again. But I'm not hopeful. I want someone who improves my life, rather than just takes, and that's quite a rare thing. We'll see.

I'm so happy as I am but I long for a soulmate. Feels like there's something missing but I guess that's just an ancient problem

Can you see the contradiction in your words? 'I'm so happy, except that I'm not really, but that's not really actually a problem'

You are invalidating your own feelings, and that's why you want a partner: validation.

That's my guess anyway. I reckon you've done an ace job of getting lots of life exactly as you want it, and want 'mission accomplished' status, but you're essentially posting a thread that says you're totally happy with your life, but, you're not happy with your life.

@Watchkeys I'm definitely not 100% happy, I don't think I ever would be with the state of the world. But I'm very happy.

But it's unecessarily cutting and dismissive to say I want 'mission accomplished status'. I'm purely saying that I'm so happy with my life but would like to have a life partner.

unecessarily cutting and dismissive

Wow. No, it isn't. There's nothing cutting or dismissive about suggesting that someone might want a feeling of having fully completed a task they set out to do. Where did you get that from?

I was suggesting that you might still be self invalidating, which is a common thing that pretty much everybody does, which is you dismissing you. The reason I was pointing it out was because dismissiveness is one of my least favourite things, and I hope you'll have a think about whether you do that to yourself, in order to feel better. It worked wonders for me personally, I've offered the same advice to quite a few people on here who have appreciated it.

I'm really sorry if I phrased it poorly, I genuinely didn't mean to be dismissive or cutting.

Well we have to agree to disagree but I've never claimed to be totally happy, just very. I think a person can hold two opposing thoughts at the same time. Not as cognitive dissonance, but with the awareness that there may never be a reconciliation.

I can see where you're coming from but the fact is I have found self-love for the first time in my life (really is the greatest love of all) and I don't think it's self-invalidating to state I would still like a partner one day. Mission accomplished status for me would be ending world poverty and injustice which I'm also working on ha ha. Thanks for your posts x

I can see why you might be having trouble with relationships, now.

Yeesh...

What an absolute tw*t to say that?! Good on you for getting rid and hope you find a lovely person soon xxx

Completely understand, OP - I feel the same way. Finding really useful ways of thinking from Jillian Turecki on Instagram - fabulous advice on relationships and single life.

I think the men need women bit is actually more a case of men need sex and the only way to get that regularly unless you are really good looking is by being in a relationship.

However, the internet and communication options changed how men behave. They suddenly have more options and can lie and love bomb their way into someone’s bed.

This is why dating is so shit now. Trying to find someone who wants what you do is really difficult.

Thanks @Gloobyfree I'll look her up 😊

And yes @Seelowgr see your point about the sex thing.