Staying strong and compassionate in a breakup conversation

[natura]

I ended things with my partner of 6 years yesterday.

We don't live together, so we spoke for about an hour and then I left, to let things settle a little and give him space.

He's asked for another conversation today, which I expected and am happy to do, and I know he's going to be trying to find things to fix in order to 'rescue' the situation (which I'm not open to), as well as understand my reasoning.

Thing is, what hurts me most about all of this is seeing him in pain. He's a good, good man that I love dearly, and breaking his heart is awful.

I want to have this conversation today from a place of both deep compassion and clear boundaries, and I'd love any advice anyone has on how to respect and honour the time we shared together in these final talks, without getting sideswiped by his pain and giving him false hope.

if you knows he going to try to rescue the relationship

why on earth are you meeting up with him?

the compassionate thing to do in this situation is to be unambiguous, very clear and stop the prolonging navel gazing he’s doing

He’s heartbroken and he needs to grieve on somebody else’s shoulder, not yours. There’s no way round the grieving process sadly and you can’t help him further at this point.

Because we were together for 6 years and that deserves a little more care and respect in ending than a 1 hour conversation.

And he's hardly doing 'prolonged navel-gazing', it's been less than 24 hours.

I would suggest doing a lot more listening than talking. And when he says something you don't agree with, be gracious enough to wait until he finishes speaking before setting him right.

are you open to letting us know why you made this decision and broke up ?

Fair enough if you want one more conversation with him but I wouldn’t let it become a habit. It’s kinder to force a bit of distance between the two of you especially if you know the feeling wasn’t mutual.

I can't help but think of the FCA treating your customers fairly principles. Clear, fair and not misleading. Most important thing is to be clear that you have made up your mind and that there is no going back. That is the most compassionate thing you can do.

Just by agreeing to another meeting the next day implies there might be hope. I think it sends mixed messages. It's too soon and it would of been better to let the dust settle longer. Being cruel to be kind applies, giving false hope and having elongated talks is likely to prolong the agony. I'm sure you gave enough closure in the hour long chat. Too much said gives him loads to ruminate over which could make it longer to process before moving on.

so when you finished it in that conversation yesterday… previous to that you had given zero indication to were unhappy, never talked to him about why yi were unhappy, no heads up all that you were unhappy enough to be considering ending it?

I wish more people were as kind and considerate as you, OP.

I would personally stick to a party line and avoid getting sucked into conversations about why you’ve made the decision. Don’t be challenged. Stay firm and kind. It’s human nature to want to change the mind of the person who broke our heart. If you have to repeat ‘we’re not on the same page’ then do so.

The problem here is that while you were together, you've been his emotionally safe space. That means now that he's going through a break-up, he's reaching for the person who has always offered that safe space. However, you've broken up, meaning you can not keep fulfilling that role for him.

Providing him with context and explanation, yes. Sure, that's the compassionate thing to do. Providing emotional support, no. He needs to learn not to direct those needs towards you anymore.

@Jioyt thank you - that's good advice. I'll keep it in my head this afternoon.

@Ihavenoclu that made me smile! Strong principles to hang on to.

And @Getitgirl, you're right – I don't want to get sucked into the weeds of the thing. It won't be helpful or productive for either of us. Ultimately what I have is a deep knowing that this isn't right, and that's all there is. Thank you.

@Hbosh - exactly. And that's what I want to focus on - I'm naturally a 'take care of you' person, and that version of me isn't going to be helpful here. I'm just going to have to keep pulling myself back from wanting to 'fix' things and, as @Getitgirl said, stick to the party line.

@Sophie2024 - no, I don't think so. I know mumsnet well enough to avoid those kinds of details that will be jumped on and picked apart by less-kind posters, and my heart isn't in a space to handle that right now. I understand why you're asking, though.

I feel your pain. I ended my marriage of 17 years and it was horrendous. He should’ve seen it coming but he didn’t. We had 3 months or so of living together before I was “allowed” to move out with the children, him trying to change my mind etc. the dynamics of our relationship was that he was on control and I never went against him so he found it extremely difficult to accept and was also genuinely distressed which I found so hard.

I just kept repeating to myself that I just needed to be honest with kindness. Repeating the same things. That the kindest thing was to be clear and unambiguous.

It's the old "I love you, you're a wonderful person but I'm not in love with you". One meeting, no more, or he will continue to hope. As others have said.

are there any step children involved?

How did it go op

Thanks for asking, @ParrotCatDog. It was really hard, but I think we did a very good job of taking care of one another while still saying what needed to be said.

He'd gone a bit into shock in our first conversation and said he hardly heard a lot of what I had said - he just felt underwater - so wanted to understand more.

I gave him the most fundamental reasons, the inarguable ones, and he, as I expected, asked over and over if we could please just try again to fix things. He said he understood what I was saying but couldn't accept it, and I reassured him that he will at some point.

I kept to the party line, stayed clear, and once it seemed to land that I wasn't coming back, he left.

My heart is hurting and the thought of him in pain is the worst part of all, but I'm proud of us and the way we've continued to be good to one another even through the hardest thing.

Thats good to hear op. Onwards and upwards

Just following up to this old post as I find myself in the same boat! Although to complicate matters we have a shared council tenancy.

He is not coping well at all. (Although I feel sad about separating, I know it's something I need to do as I care for him but I have never been in love with him)
I have tried for 4 years!
(We are awaiting assessments from our council to look at rehousing him!)

The tension in the home is becoming unbearable & his mood swings & constant pressure is building up.

I'm unsure how to help him accept the changes that awaits us. (He has threatened to end his life! as he sees no future for himself without me!)

He's 58 & has moderate disabilities due to a stroke 3 yrs ago!

I do feel guilty & saddened that this situation is causing him immense pain & fear for his future yet I'm struggling with the added pressure & stress of his threats!

I feel trapped & I have felt trapped throughout the relationship as he continuously put me on a pedestal that was never warranted. More like he love bombed me.

I wish he could handle this difficult situation in a reasonable manner without threats, followed either with adapting his behaviour for a day or 2 & then back to square one of wanting to save the relationship that he wants but I don't!

Is there any reasonable advice from MN to be offered?