Put your seat belts on, this is a roller coaster!
I'm exhausted even thinking about writing this.. It's a long one, sorry
I just need to draw on some strength and validation that I'm doing the right thing.
Almost 4 years ago I (41F) met a guy (43M) online. I'd been single for a year and have 1 little girl, she's now nearly 8.
He has 3 boys, now 13,10, and 6. The two elders are from one relationship, the youngest from another.
He was living on his own and had been for around 18 months. We lived 40 miles away from each other ( this is all significant)
When we first started talking, he told me he only had 2 children. I quickly discovered the 3rd and he said that things had been really difficult with his ex and she constantly stopped him seeing his son.
So, we click and really get on well. Same sense of humour and outlook on life (so you think).
Things progress nicely, he's funny, handsome, smart and makes me feel wonderful. The sex was good and he couldn't get enough of me.
Children are introduced after a while and things feel good. We do lots of things together, go places i've never been, i just felt like i'd won the lottery.
I knew he had a really close relationship with his two older boys, and was properly there for them. He had been with their mum for 14 years from about 20. They had grown apart and he ended up cheating, they then split. Their relationship for a long time after was very strained but by the time we met, it seemed to be on good terms.
He then met the last ex, and she got pregnant within a short period of time and by the time the baby was born, their relationship was on the rocks.
He couldn't deal with not being a dad 100% to the two elders. And by his account, didn't have the headspace to bond with the baby, and with their ups and downs he withdrew from it all.
He moved out before the baby was 1, and moved back 5 mins away from the older boys (signicant to the story) But the on/off relationship continued for a while after.
Unbeknown to me to start with, when I met him, they'd only been off for about 2 months. So when she found out he'd met someone, she didn't make things pleasant, berating photo's of me to him about how he'd lowered his standards sorta thing. He would be open about it, but it upset me that he never really told her to stop. It was like he didnt ever want to upset anyone and absolutely hated any kind of conflict. And things continued to be made difficult to see his son.
After a year together, there was talk about living together, but unsure of where that would be because for me to move to him would mean taking my daughter out of school etc, and she stayed at her dad's one night in the week and every other weekend, so the weekly night stays would have to stop.
it was difficult for him to move to me as he didnt want to be too far away from the boys. He had his own business so work wasnt a massive issue.
We kind of just agreed that we would look at it again a bit later.
After about 18 months of our relationship, he surprisingly proposed to me, he'd planned it for 2 months, bought a beautiful ring, took me down to the beach and watched the sunrise and done it there. I was absolutely speechless, it was by far the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me, and of course I said yes.
We both quickly agreed that a small intimate wedding would be what we both wanted and didn't want to have a long drawn out engagement.
3 months after this, he initiated talk about moving in together again. He said he would come the 40 miles to me and just make sure he sees the boys just as much etc.
I was living in a 2 bed house at the time, so we look at moving into somewhere bigger together to accommodate the kids rooms.
We find somewhere (rental) and pack up our separate homes and move in together. It was great for about...... a month! Very quickly i could tell he was super uncomfortable and it felt like my little girl was always annoying him. He would come home from work and sit on the sofa meditating, or go and have an hours bath, or do work, anything to avoid interacting with her really. It felt horrible to me. I think i dismissed it as adjusting, and him probably feeling guilty he was living with someone elses child, and not his own. It was funny because when she went to bed, he would come out of his shell and we'd have a 'normal' rest of the evening.
This is May time- He would arrange work in the week to have the boys still one night a week, and take them for dinner or do something fun (the two older ones) and then we'd all do stuff at the weekends when we had the kids, and they had a room and everything set up for them at the house etc.
By September things had definitely cooled between us, not through my lack of engagement and trying, but he just seemed so withdrawn. He went away with his brother and son for a weekend in Scotland, and while he was there, we had a text conversation about his sister who was getting married. I guess i was looking to test the waters, so I said something about when were we going to start thinking about making arrangements.
The heartbreaking response was- he doesn't know how he feels about getting married. Delving in deeper, he said that he asked me because he wanted me to know how much he loved me, but he didn't really actually believe in all the ceremonial stuff etc.
Of course, I was so upset. I said i needed a few days (he was now on his way home) so he got angry that i was suggesting he didnt come home, he then just went and stayed at the caravan (he has a caravan at a resort) and ignored me all night and the next day until i became so panicked that i end up calling him, and texting to beg for him to come back and that i was sorry (pathetic i know) I just felt so hurt by everything.
He comes back and is very cool, and we talk some more about the marriage idea and there was no definitive answer, his replies were so crap and open. BUT at the time, i was just hopeful things would get better (as you do)
Come October, his middle boy started playing football for a team where he lives and that meant every weekend it would be training Saturday and a match on sunday, meaning that the every other weekends with the kids would be an hour back and forth here there and everywhere to include the football. Logistically, it was going to be hard, but of course i was able to help and it was only 2 weekends a month... but he insisted that even when he didnt have the boys, he would still go to the football and be involved as much as he could. Fine, i get that, but it put more pressure on him and meant our weekends without the kids were kinda no more.
Come November and after a particularly pushaway couple of weeks, we're in bed together and i go to cuddle him, and he just turns away. I'm upset and ask him what's going on, and he tells me he doesnt know how he see's me anymore, whether it be just as a friend, and that he's just confused.
I ask him to go and stay away for a few days because i'm absolutely mortified, i feel ashamed and rejected. It was horrific. He went the next morning and stayed away for 4 nights and in this time i was beside myself but didnt want to talk about it as it was too painful. On the 5th day, I had resigned to the fact that it was over and he would just need to go back to his hometown and that would be it. So I asked him to come and get some things and to start making arrangments. He then said he didnt want to go back, he wanted to work through everything.
I know i should have run away, but I didnt want any of this! So he came back, and the first thing he done was initiate sex while i was still crying about it all. I felt like it was a test to see if he still felt anything. I even asked him afterwards and he said he did. I feel so ashamed now.
But it's not over!!!
We limped on for a few more weeks until he announced he had to go back to his hometown as he couldnt be away from the boys anymore. The crushing grief was enormous... again.
I asked where it left us, he said he wasnt sure but he loved me and needed to just get sorted.
I got straight into practical mode and handed in the notice for the house, looked for another one for me and my little girl, found one, packed and left. And he did the same. We had lived together for 8 months.
We continued to communicate, and i guess i just wasnt ready for it to be over. I know i should have been, a long time ago, but i loved him so much and just thought that if he could be happy in his living arrangements, then maybe it would go back to how it was (stupid!).
He moved 20 minutes away from the boys. He settled, i settled, we had Christmas together, and gradually, we got closer and reconnected again. The football season had finished for a while and the weekends were free, he came to mine once a week, i went to his once a week, we had trips and fun and holidays etc, our sex life was hot and cold, depending on him i guess.
We went to a couples therapy to see how we move forward from here, she said we need a road map, and end to the separatness, that i need to feel secure and commited to.
We carried on for a year like this, then 2 weeks ago he announced that when his tenancy is up on his flat where he is now in May (20 mins away from the boys) he is going back to their estate to be on their doorstep again.
And i know it really hasnt changed much from the last year, but it's what it represents to me. We are back to complete square 1 after 4 years, a proposal, living together, and now it'll be just as it was when we first met.
So many other little things in-between all this mess, like the on/off sex life, the priorities before me (eg fishing), the inability to give me anything concrete to go on. It's just HORRENDOUS!!!! And so, I finally finished it. I'm exhausted and i'm heartbroken and do you know all he said?? "I understand".
I know what a fool i've been. I just need some comforting words please, i'm so sad and above all...... I love him, i really do. I love what i thought it was.
xx