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Relationships

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Help with grief and relationship please!

2 replies

Takemetosunshine · 06/02/2024 09:32

Hi all,

First time poster on here. I know this isn't the place for "professional" advice (I am seeking that elsewhere) but just wondered if anyone had any personal experiences or help in a similar situation.

Long story short, my mum died last year (she was in her 60s). We were so close and it hit me hard. She had cancer for years so I knew it was coming but I suppose that doesn't make a difference really...

We've also had two miscarriages in this last year. One was just before my mum died and one recently. The grief from this second mc has hit me like a tonne of bricks - more than the first one and more than my mum dying?! Although I do think it may be tied in with delayed grief from my mum dying?? I went back to work the day after her funeral and despite having some counselling, I don't think I have really dealt with it properly. As I said above, I'm currently trying to find professional bereavement support...

In the meantime, my poor DP is taking the brunt of my anger / sadness / frustration / anxiety. He is amazing and so supportive and tells me over and over again it'll be ok... But my emotions (and hormones I guess) are all over the place and my mood swings from one extreme to another constantly. We talk a lot and he is brilliant at trying to calm me down and pulling me back into reality when I start spiraling, but I am just so worried I'm ruining what is / was a lovely, calm, happy and relaxed relationship with these mood swings and that eventually it will all become too much. I also hate that he is also sad and angry about the mcs himself, yet I feel I can't even support him properly as I feel too far gone to be able to help anyone else...

I know people will say it's all completely normal and can't be helped and that I need to just ride it out but is there anything anyone can suggest to help with managing these feelings and not taking everything out on your loved on?? I do talk to friends and family but it's not really the same as everyone has their own lives to get on with... Any advice or help would be appreciated :)

OP posts:
Kosenrufugirl · 06/02/2024 09:43

I am sorry to hear about your losses. Losing one's mum is very hard, I speak from a personal experience. Having 2 miscarriages on top must be devastating. Please be gentle on yourself. Definitely go for counselling. What I personally found helpful around my mum's illness and death is chanting a Buddhist mantra Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo. Modern mindfulness has roots in Buddhism. However I view Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo more like a breathing exercise, I always feel calmer after 20 minutes of chanting. You can find more info on pronunciation and meaning on SGI-UK website. I hope you start feeling better soon

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/02/2024 09:53

I am sorry to read what has happened to you both over this past year. You've both been through a lot and are still struggling with the stages of grief.

If you are in the UK I would urge you to contact CRUSE re your mother's death and the Miscarriage Association re your miscarriages. I presume the hospital has given you little to no proper help or information re obtaining support going forward.

It is normal also for your partner to feel both sad and angry about the miscarriages as well. He also needs to be able to talk openly to both you and others as men often get forgotten about in these tragic circumstances. I have put some links up for you to look at. BTW grief is a marathon, not a sprint. Be kind to both yourself and your partner

Home - Cruse Bereavement Support

The Miscarriage Association:Pregnancy Loss Information & Support

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