Do The Work

[WhatAreYouTalking]

I've name changed for this.

DH has been on Ashley Madison and I've caught him three times. He has met some of those women "for coffee" (to see if he fancies them and can pursue a sexual relationship). I suspect that he has had a couple of Ashley Madison hotel stays, but he denies. We have had couples counselling.

For this and that reason, I can't/won't separate. We are trying to move forward.

I keep reading about how I need to do my own work, to heal etc. Over and over this is the advice. I definitely do need to sort out some of my own stuff. However, how? How do I do the work? What work? I chat afford any more counselling. I just keep reading about healing etc but with absolutely no idea how to achieve that.

Can anyone help? Any resources that you'd recommend?

For context, my DF was a serial cheater and left us a couple of times for my mothers close friends. I know much of my stuff is caught up in this too.

I want to move on from feeling betrayed, hurt and angry.

You need to examine why, having had a cheating father, you now have a cheating partner…you need counselling for yourself, to work out what level of self esteem you have, if any, to accept this behaviour from a partner, before you have any couple counselling

Well it means making peace with whatever situation is troubling you essentially. In practice for me that meant actively stopping thinking about it and redirecting my thoughts and responses proactively until it became second nature. The issue you may have -gently-is that you are carrying hurt from your childhood which is now being repeated it seems in your present by your h who from what you've said doesn't seem to want to stop hurting you. It's hard to heal when the same cut keeps being reopened.

In your case I would be taking steps to make the rest of my life away from h the best it can possibly be. It sounds a horrible time you have been through and it must be very painful.

In this context I think there is a danger that “doing your own work” gets interpreted as “persuade yourself that DH cheating is your fault” or “persuade yourself that you should forgive him”.

It isn’t your fault and you don’t need to forgive him.

As a PP said, I think the useful “work” could be to figure out why you seem to be willing to accept this behaviour and stay with a serial cheater.

You can’t heal from an actively ongoing situation you choose to be in. So you either accept your cheating bloke and get regular STD tests, accept you’re in an open marriage and the man doesn’t care about you, or divorce him and enjoy your life.

You should feel betrayed, hurt and angry. The only work you need to do is to find the courage to leave and tell yourself you deserve better.

It's hard to imagine any "this and that reason" that could justify staying with this man. And it's hard to believe that any one would advise you to "Do the work" in this situation.

I think that the most important work that you can do is to get yourself into a position where you can leave. So sort out your finances, go back to work if you are not working at the moment, educate yourself on the what the legal position is if you leave for both money and child arrangements, build yourself a network of friends who will support you in leaving.

Doing this doesn’t mean you have to leave or even should leave. But it means that you can. And so you can then make the decision about whether to stay from a place of strength rather than a place of fear.

For this and that reason, I can't/won't separate.

What are those reasons?

I suspect "doing the work" would mean going deeper into "For this and that reason, I can't/won't separate." And lead to walking away and not putting up with this crap.

Finances, dying dependent parents, sole secondary carer for a very elderly grandparent, knowing how awful divorce will be for the DC - all birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries etc having the black cloud of dividing time, not trusting him to honour any financial agreements going forwards. Not having any family support.

And if I was talking to someone else in my shoes I would urge them to levee too.

I think I know why.

I think that it is to do with - is he leaves then it is because I'm not lovable etc. But if he stays it's because he has a problem and is not a reflection on me. When my dad left; I always felt second best to whoever he had chosen over me. So I suppose that it my husband always comes back to me I'm not second best.

So I suppose that it my husband always comes back to me I'm not second best.

It's more likely that you are the one offering him the constant security. You're the one keeping the home going and all the other mental load while he's out sticking his dick who knows where.

Take that 'if he leaves' power away from him - start putting yourself first, making your own decisions, deciding what you want from life.

Even if you don't divorce, start putting yourself forward and doing something for you. Try and find moments of joy in your days, no matter how small. It sounds like you're carrying a huge load and you need to nourish your soul whenever you can

Have you read up on co-dependency OP? That's some "work" you could do for free, you might recognise yourself and your H/DF there?

Sorry for what you are going through. Your kids, if still young, will grow up and see through the situation. You grew up with uncertainty and lack of trust and you’re going through it now again. I don’t think you can heal at all. You can probably move to a point of mostly compartmentalising it. But you’ll feel destroyed.

Not urging you to do anything, but if there are reasons for something then it's important to know what they are.

Doing the work means uncovering limiting/unhelpful beliefs and thoughts that you have about situations, events and yourself and reframing them to something more positive and finding peace and acceptance with things that happened in the past.

This jumped out at me - Your father's actions and choices were never a reflection on you and whether you were good enough - they were all about him and what he wanted to do. There is absolutely nothing you could have done or needed to change about yourself that would have made a difference to him deciding to have an affair. That was all about him and his relationship with your mother.

Likewise whether your husband stays or leaves - your self worth does not change - you are 1000% worthy of being respected and loved.

From reading your posts it seems like you are putting everyone else first and you second - it's okay to give yourself permission to put your needs first.

Therapy would help you work on all of the above. (separately, not as a couple).

This. I personally think you should call time on this shit show, it’s terrible for the children and well as you. You are choosing this, they are not. But only you can decide when the time is right for you to do this, so knowing you are able to, gives you choices and therefore power about your and your kids future. He’s a complete dick btw, just saying.

@Baileysandcream

Thank you.

If I could walk away from it all I would.

It might be hard, but you can walk away.

Your response to your husband's lying, cheating and total disresepct for you and your marriage is entirely healthy, normal and appropriate. Why would you want to 'work' on yourself or have counselling - to make yourself think his behaviour is OK? To learn how to ignore it? That way lies madness.

You shouldn't be able to 'get' over his huge and repested betrayals.

Please don't try to force yourself to accept what he's done. Also, even if counselling helps your DH in some way (to act like a decent human being), do you really want to be with someone who has to have therapy in order to learn how to treat you with respect and love?

Your children will be OK if you separate. My DCs were better off, without any doubt. I got myself back, regained my sense of self and my self confidence. They got their 'real' mum back. They learned that you don't stick around when someone treats you badly. Thet learned about self respect and consequences.

Please don't put yourself through this. The man has shown he can't be trusted, doesn't care about your marriage, doesn't value his promises to you. The break up of your marriage will be 100% on him.

If it was the other way around, would he still be with you?

@perfectcolourfound I expect that one day I'll find my courage and self respect and leave, but at the moment I can't go.