ED, low testosterone and he won’t talk about it

[SoDoneIn]

my DP has ED. He went to the dr and was told he had low testosterone and that they don’t treat it in primary care so he had to be referred to endocrinology. It was suggested he bought some pills to help him but that the nhs won’t prescribe them. This was six months ago and no appointment (and no blue pill purchase) I don’t know if this is normal procedure or not.

Anyway he won’t talk about it and gets frustrated if I try to. But he still gets a morning erection from time to time which from reading suggests any ED is psychological not physical.

He refuses to talk about any of this, reassures me it’s not me and then conveniently hopes the conversation goes away. There is never any sexual interaction. He is otherwise very loving and affectionate but not sexual. It’s hard not to feel it is me, that he is unattracted to me and that is why he can’t maintain an erection.

Without him talking about it I’m in the dark.

I can guarantee there is no affair going on and there’s no porn addiction and I highly doubt he is masturbating. There are no signs he’s gay either. He is a survivor
of CSA and I do wonder if this is having an impact but without him talking about with me about any of it I’m just second guessing and hating myself. We’re both 48 and I’m perimenopausal so my libido isn’t great but it isn’t non-existent either. we’ve been together for 17 years and have two children so it has worked fine in the past.

"... he still gets a morning erection from time to time which from reading suggests any ED is psychological not physical."

Testosterone levels fluctuate through the day and peak in the morning so that's not necessarily the case.

Thanks that makes my workd so indifferent 😭

Hi,
I went through similar with an ex. He was waiting a year on the list to see endocrinology and unfortunately in that time we split up but remained friends.
Endocrinology were fantastic and have really helped him. He’s on testosterone treatment, a gel he uses everyday and he’s back to normal now.
When we were together , he’d completely avoid discussing it so I know the feeling. If you can be patient and wait for the appointment then do it I’d say.

Hard as it is - do not make it about you.
Testosterone decreases with age - and his seems to have plunged down. So - his lack of libido has nothing to do with you.
Problem is - of course - that he isn't willing to talk about it. Most likely due to his ego, as men often feel that testosterone defines their manliness.

Not sure what I'd do in this situation. Guess it depends on how much you are missing sex, etc.

You can nudge him to at least understand if he is in fact waiting for an appointment. Or suggest you go private?
You can then transfer private prescription to NHS.

If NHS GP has diagnosed low T and referred him then he must have a really low T level. NHS have made their 'normal' range for testosterone really low - much lower than a private dr would treat for. So it's quite difficult to get TRT on the NHS. It does sound like your dh could be a candidate for it on NHS, but as you're finding, it takes forever to sort out. Is going private to speed things up an option? Plenty of (legit) websites offering it.

Low T is probably the cause of his low libido, and the fact he gets morning wood suggests the equipment still works, just no desire for it. So trying to medicate it with ED meds seems like the wrong approach here - it'd be treating a symptom rather than the cause. He'd still need the desire to be there even when taking ED meds. But you can easily get ED meds online too, if he did want to try them. Obviously the bigger issue it sounds like you have is getting him to open up and talk to you about it.

Thanks. I didn’t realise how strict the NHS would be. He has agreed to chase up the referral. We can’t afford to go privately and our GP wont take on private prescription transfers either.

It’s so hard not to take it personally, not the lack of sex as much as the lack of communication and intimacy. Affection is one thing but i feel the closeness isn’t there anymore because of lack intimacy.