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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Narcasstic abuse

9 replies

Emmafiesty12 · 05/02/2024 17:38

So how many of you ladies are going through narcasstic abuse or been their!

Narcasstic abuse
OP posts:
lyingonthebeach · 05/02/2024 17:57

I've been there. And so has one of my best friends. I consider us both to be intelligent women with lots of life experience but we were both sucked in.... I feel for anyone (and totally understand why ; they are clever) who falls for this type

TickingKey46 · 05/02/2024 19:20

Yes deffo. He even knows it but it makes no difference, he just thinks he's superior.

1girlAND2boysDad · 14/09/2024 19:39

I feel quite bad coming on her to a female orientated platform reading about abuse and knowing that most of it is coming from males onto females which I totally object to and would be the first to step into. However, its also worth a mention that it can and does happen the other way around as well there are females that have narc properties and they like house them against men. I should know my soon to be ex wife has been this way with me for the last 3 years.

I don't really want to talk about it or go into detail about it because it still makes me shrivel up inside and I've only just got the courage to ask for a divorce from her today.

How can I deal with the fallout from all of this particularly the effect that its going to have on my kids - they are the only thing that's kept me going over the years and they support me more than they will ever know. I didn't want to say this or even talk about it yet but its only because of my kids that I haven't followed through with wanting to end it all - how is it possible that a 3yo can keep you going and not even realise it themselves.

Sorry if I've triggered anybody I didn't mean to I just wanted to get it off my chest and if you think I'm weird for putting this in this platform as a male then that's ok because I've already lost all myself & my fire inside to justify myself to people or to care what people thing about me that's all been stripped away from me, hell I've even stopped caring how I look/ dress because I've lost myself and my purpose.

again sorry and sorry for rambling I know nobody really cares

IThinkImStillMe · 14/09/2024 22:58

1girlAND2boysDad · 14/09/2024 19:39

I feel quite bad coming on her to a female orientated platform reading about abuse and knowing that most of it is coming from males onto females which I totally object to and would be the first to step into. However, its also worth a mention that it can and does happen the other way around as well there are females that have narc properties and they like house them against men. I should know my soon to be ex wife has been this way with me for the last 3 years.

I don't really want to talk about it or go into detail about it because it still makes me shrivel up inside and I've only just got the courage to ask for a divorce from her today.

How can I deal with the fallout from all of this particularly the effect that its going to have on my kids - they are the only thing that's kept me going over the years and they support me more than they will ever know. I didn't want to say this or even talk about it yet but its only because of my kids that I haven't followed through with wanting to end it all - how is it possible that a 3yo can keep you going and not even realise it themselves.

Sorry if I've triggered anybody I didn't mean to I just wanted to get it off my chest and if you think I'm weird for putting this in this platform as a male then that's ok because I've already lost all myself & my fire inside to justify myself to people or to care what people thing about me that's all been stripped away from me, hell I've even stopped caring how I look/ dress because I've lost myself and my purpose.

again sorry and sorry for rambling I know nobody really cares

You're probably better off starting a new thread as your post will get lost as you've replied to an old thread.
I don't think anybody is saying that women can't be narcissistic abusers but it is mostly heterosexual women on here so it is obviously more from their point of view.

When you say that you wanted to end it all are you talking about killing yourself? If you are still feeling like that they're are lots of organisations online that can support you, there is also the Samaritans which people call for a lot less than you are going through and Shout which is a text service, to name a couple. Have you got anyone to talk to in real life.

When you leave I think you will find that you slowly come out of the fog and begin to feel like yourself again, get some counselling if you can.
With your DC make sure you are consistent with them and see them as much as possible. Will you go for 50/50 caring for them?
Get your ducks in order if you think your ex is going to mess you around, get copies of important documents etc. Get everything in writing as evidence if their behaviour is bad.

Now that you've decided to leave you have a new purpose which is to make your life as good as possible so that you can be there for your DC

And people do care, DM me if you like

1girlAND2boysDad · 15/09/2024 19:19

I didn't really want to start a new thread because I realise this platform is aimed mostly at women and I'm a bloke and wasn't sure if id be accepted here, especially as a single dad who's very very much way out of his depth with all of this - I didn't sign up to do this alone and to be perfectly honest about it I'm more scared about screwing this up than anything else that I've ever done before.

Yeah, when I talk about ending it yeah that's what I was talking about. It doesn't happen as much these days now that I'm out of the matrimonial home but there are days where I feel like I'm a useless father and I've failed them already and they would be soooo much better off in life without me. I'm living back with my parents but not exactly what I'd imagined I would be doing at this age so yeah I can talk to them but its just as hard on them and I don't want to put more pressure on them when they already have it hard - they don't need further burdens.

Appologies all this lingo is all new to me but what does DC mean? I see my kids every weekend even if that means having only 30 mins nap after coming off a night shift to go pick them up. The day my first child was born I made a promise to her:

"That I'm going to be there for you from your first breath to my last"

& thats a promise I made to the boys too. I would drag myself broken around the world and back for my kids. The whole world around me could crash and burn, but as long as I have my kids everything going to be ok. I don't make promises that I have no intentions of keeping.

Im going to try go 50/50 for them but I work long hours M-F so I can realistically only see them at weekends

Ive started getting my ducks in order its just being able to pay for it all now.

Thank you so much about the DM thing, I'm not quite sure I'm ready for that just yet & apologies if I sound really angry in my posts I don't mean to I just get worked up about the situation and I guess I'm trying to buck the trend/ idea that where dads are concerned not all dads are bad/ wasters.

IThinkImStillMe · 15/09/2024 21:36

1girlAND2boysDad · 15/09/2024 19:19

I didn't really want to start a new thread because I realise this platform is aimed mostly at women and I'm a bloke and wasn't sure if id be accepted here, especially as a single dad who's very very much way out of his depth with all of this - I didn't sign up to do this alone and to be perfectly honest about it I'm more scared about screwing this up than anything else that I've ever done before.

Yeah, when I talk about ending it yeah that's what I was talking about. It doesn't happen as much these days now that I'm out of the matrimonial home but there are days where I feel like I'm a useless father and I've failed them already and they would be soooo much better off in life without me. I'm living back with my parents but not exactly what I'd imagined I would be doing at this age so yeah I can talk to them but its just as hard on them and I don't want to put more pressure on them when they already have it hard - they don't need further burdens.

Appologies all this lingo is all new to me but what does DC mean? I see my kids every weekend even if that means having only 30 mins nap after coming off a night shift to go pick them up. The day my first child was born I made a promise to her:

"That I'm going to be there for you from your first breath to my last"

& thats a promise I made to the boys too. I would drag myself broken around the world and back for my kids. The whole world around me could crash and burn, but as long as I have my kids everything going to be ok. I don't make promises that I have no intentions of keeping.

Im going to try go 50/50 for them but I work long hours M-F so I can realistically only see them at weekends

Ive started getting my ducks in order its just being able to pay for it all now.

Thank you so much about the DM thing, I'm not quite sure I'm ready for that just yet & apologies if I sound really angry in my posts I don't mean to I just get worked up about the situation and I guess I'm trying to buck the trend/ idea that where dads are concerned not all dads are bad/ wasters.

Yes you'll be welcomed here, there are quite a few posts by men but maybe don't go all "not all men" because yeah we know that. Of course there are some women here who are anti-men, some because of their experiences and others because of sexism. People don't tend to post about their happy relationships so of course it's skewed, try not to take it personally.
It's ok to be angry as long as you're angry with your ex and not all women. I'm wondering if you have been made to feel like a useless dad by someone?

How long is it since you left your ex? The early days are difficult, I'm glad you are having less dark thoughts but it sounds like you are still struggling at times. You're not failing your kids and they most definitely would not be better off without them. If you killed yourself it would probably mess up their mental health for life and make them more likely to kill themselves in turn, the statistics on this are scary. It's really important that you get your own mental health sorted so you can be a good dad and of course you deserve to be happier.

It sounds like you are dedicated to your DC (children) they are lucky to have you. Would you be able to change your hours so you can see them more?

If you start your own thread you'll get lots more advice but if you search there are numerous threads about narcissistic abuse.

1girlAND2boysDad · 16/09/2024 20:20

IThinkImStillMe · 15/09/2024 21:36

Yes you'll be welcomed here, there are quite a few posts by men but maybe don't go all "not all men" because yeah we know that. Of course there are some women here who are anti-men, some because of their experiences and others because of sexism. People don't tend to post about their happy relationships so of course it's skewed, try not to take it personally.
It's ok to be angry as long as you're angry with your ex and not all women. I'm wondering if you have been made to feel like a useless dad by someone?

How long is it since you left your ex? The early days are difficult, I'm glad you are having less dark thoughts but it sounds like you are still struggling at times. You're not failing your kids and they most definitely would not be better off without them. If you killed yourself it would probably mess up their mental health for life and make them more likely to kill themselves in turn, the statistics on this are scary. It's really important that you get your own mental health sorted so you can be a good dad and of course you deserve to be happier.

It sounds like you are dedicated to your DC (children) they are lucky to have you. Would you be able to change your hours so you can see them more?

If you start your own thread you'll get lots more advice but if you search there are numerous threads about narcissistic abuse.

Show quote history

Thanks, its been about 6-8 weeks since I left - guess the thoughts are stemming from the fact that she just all the time used to call me unless Cnut all the time with other variations of ??? Cnut insult thrown in for good measure. Guess that still gets me even when I'm not thinking of that and I guess I started to believe what I was being told.

Everything I do I do for those kids, I don't think I could change my hours but I can make my time their time if that makes a lick of sense?

Today has been a better day - spoke to a few friends I've not spoken to in an age and that cheered me right up.

Do you know if there is a part of this group/ platform where you can write a diary and use it to help other parents in a similar situation because I want to use my experiences to help others both male and female - I want to take this negative part of my life turn it into something positive (as selfish as it sounds - but if im not in a good place I can't help anyone in a manner that is productive right?) firstly for myself so I can get through this and secondly so I can help others through this too.

IThinkImStillMe · 18/09/2024 15:00

I haven't seen anything like that on this site, most people just start a thread and use it to track their progress. I think writing everything down is a really good idea though even if it's just for you. I guess you could start a blog ?

1girlAND2boysDad · 18/09/2024 19:08

IThinkImStillMe · 18/09/2024 15:00

I haven't seen anything like that on this site, most people just start a thread and use it to track their progress. I think writing everything down is a really good idea though even if it's just for you. I guess you could start a blog ?

You know what, I think a blog would be a mint idea actually. Id not thought of doing it like that - feels less like it has to be structured and more from the heart.

Thanks I really like that idea. - Do you think MN would be happy if I shared the link to it once its up and running or do you think im better talking to the admins?

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