Anxious/Avoidant attachment style!

[Holibobby]

Been on three dates with a guy, really hit it off. He is a little too keen which makes me doubt, but I think he is genuinely keen as opposed to love-bomber, narcissistic type keen! (I hope - it still is only early days).

When guys show interest I tend to back away and feel suffocated. I have done this a little with this guy, and I've felt like the more he's said about liking me etc has made me back off a little more.

However, there is also a flip side to this...when he is a little more distant I become really anxious! Which is flipping ridiculous as we've only been speaking for a short period and had few meet-ups! He's on a lads holiday and last night because he didnt message I was thinking all sorts, we're not even in a relationship!! Ridiculous! Then this morning he sent me a message saying 'we're cute arent we' with a love heart on it! And it gave me the ick and I've not messaged him back.

I am extremely independent and most of my free time is spent with my DD as a single parent,on my career, with family and friends as i have a really active social life too! So don't really get a lot of spare time to think about someone like this!

I know this is totally related to my attachment style, as it has repeated itself everytime I've dipped my toe back into the dating game. I find life so much easier when I'm single.

I'm just wondering how I can change my attachment style to one which is more secure and less up and down, especially early on with dating?

Have you read the book Attached? And maybe Hold me Tight?

Noticing your patterns is a great start. Maybe you can then offer compassion to that anxious or avoidant part of you while you learn to sit with rather than act on the feelings.

Go to therapy. Its a long slog to change attachment style. Look into DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) as it is geared to helping you regulate your own emo. Basically you crave attachment but fear abandonment. You find the other person’s interest “too much” but also fear the loss of their company/respect/attention.

These are all normal feelings but you are not happy with the way they interfere with other goals you have such as having a deeper relationship successfully, over the long term.

I find life so much easier when I'm single.

Why do you want to date, then? Genuine question, not being goady! I find romantic relationships emotionally exhausting, I'm not good at them and so I have a couple of FWB arrangements for sex and get my emotional needs met by my friendships and family connections.

I do feel like as women get older, the benefits of committed romantic relationships get fewer and fewer, and the drawbacks ever more.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation That's a really great question...and being totally honest, I don't know why!

My daughter is 8 now and as I'm focusing on my career thoughts of babies are not on the cards. I also get my emotional needs met by family and friends as I'm lucky to have some really close relationships.

I guess it might be to have a significant other. But I also love coming home to my home with just me and DD. When DD is with her dad I also enjoy that quiet time to myself above everything and tend to not let many people into that time.

I have tried FWB but then I've felt even more stressed out with them than romantic relationships.

So, in all honesty, I'm not 100% sure. Thank you for asking the question its definitely helped me to reflect.

I have a secure attachment style and thus guy even gives me the ick.

People talking about how much they like you 3 dates in ARE love bombers.

I don't think you are necessarily anxious/avoidant.

In my experience, men are often more full-on at the start of relationships & it's not surprising you're more cautious.

It just sounds like you need to take your time & go slowly rather than being head-first.

And that's not a bad thing.