Will he ever get over it?

[AppleCobblerPie]

Hi, name changed for this. Looking for advice.

I’ve been with DH since I was 16 (15+ years in total now). When I was 22, I was going through a very hard time. Anxiety, depression. Very low self-esteem related to childhood issues. I didn’t know what I wanted, if I wanted to be with now-DH forever etc and we went on a ‘break’. I ended up sleeping with two different men - both experiences were horrible and came about out of feeling like I had no choice but to (wish I knew then how to say no/be brave etc).

Not long after this, I realised that I DID want to be with now-DH, that he was the best thing to ever happen to me etc. We got back together and he knew about the 2 incidents right from the beginning.

We later moved in together, got engaged, married, and now have 1DC.

The problem is he doesn’t seem to have ever really gotten over it. I don’t mean that to sound flippant - I understand it’s a betrayal whether we were married or not.

But my view is I hate myself for that mistake I made; but that’s exactly what it was. A stupid mistake. The kind you make when you’re 22 and don’t know anything yet. We’ve done so much since then and I’ve never so much as looked at someone else because I know DH is the one for me.

But every now and again (roughly once a year), it comes up. It always coincides with him not taking care of himself/not exercising etc (so low confidence in himself and feeling pretty shit) and we always end up having a big tearful argument that eventually gets resolved because he says he doesn’t hate me for it, he just needs reassurance because every now and again the thought about it gets louder and eventually he can’t ignore it.

Last night it happened again. And I don’t know what to do. I can’t see him ever getting over this. And that then makes ME annoyed. I feel like he is punishing me for a mistake I made over 10 years ago, before we were married or engaged, before our beautiful son came along. We’ve done so much together, I’m constantly telling him I love him etc. I can’t face the idea of this still being a thing that comes up in 10,20,30 years time.

Am I being unreasonable here? I’ve told him maybe he should talk to someone and his answer is “why should I have to?”. I’m scared that deep down, he resents me and I find it hard to ignore that. It makes me feel so crap and down whenever this happens and I find it hard to get over it because it feels like a mistake that will haunt me forever.

any advice?

please be kind.

While I agree with you it sounds like he needs to let it go, there is clearly some reason why he can't.

Have you thought about him having therapy or the two of you having therapy to get to the bottom of it?

Why do you yourself consider behaviour when you weren’t together years ago, a betrayal?

I would simply state very calmly that you are no longer prepared to have this brought up again, that you will not interact with him if/when he tries to force arguments/recrimination on you. And mean it.

It is not a betrayal if you weren't together at the time.
Were you supposed to keep yourself pure for him in case you got back together, or did he own you like some feudal lord because you went out together before?

It sounds like you are beating yourself up for having sex with 2 men when you didn't really want to, and in some way you feel that your DH is also justified to keep blaming you for making poor choices in the past.

I think that YOU need to let it go and realise that everyone has made bad choices about all kinds of things in the past but they don't have to have any bearing on your life today, and your DH needs to stop being a dick about it.

I think you need to sort out your own issues with this first. Maybe therapy, maybe just forgiving yourself for being young and making mistakes. Once you feel you have come to terms with your own past you will be on firmer ground telling your DH that his constant circling around your past has to stop. He can't make his low self esteem YOUR problem, when it's about something that happened so many years ago when you weren't even together.

But it does sound as though you laid guilt and self-recrimination on him when you got back together (which was fine, then), and he's held on to it for reasons of his own. But I do think you need to be firm about not wanting to hear about it yet AGAIN when he's at a low ebb. If it wasn't that, it would be something else and he keeps this in reserve to justify his own moods.

Refuse it to be a topic of discussion, walk away, its his issue, not yours. You actually didn't do anything wrong here - not to him at least. You were a free agent at the time and you told him, so it was his decision to get back together and get married.
15 years he's tried to make you feel guilty when you really have no need to at all! I can't see this improving because his attitude is what is wrong but he doesn't see it. I suspect you've spent a long time apologising, which reinforces for him that he is right and you are the problem, when really you should of from the start stood your ground and said that it's a non-issue and was not cheating.
Unfortunately, this is likely perpetuated by yourself, because you still think you did him wrong. It might help you to get some counselling to help you see that you have nothing to apologise for and be stronger about it.

I agree.

This H doesn't sound like ''the best thing that ever happened'' to you.

He sounds like a tedious, insecure vampire.

I'd tell him that you were on a break, it was decades ago, and you are not prepared to be SHAMED for something normal that happened decades ago.

I think you sound trauma bonded in to a relationship where you absorb his shame.

I really wouldn't tolerate it.

Fuck him, op. He enjoys having this stick to beat you with. You did nothing wrong. There is nothing for him to "get over."

This is abuse, plain and simple. Stop pandering to it and refuse to listen to this nonsense ever again. If anyone needs therapy, it's him.

I disagree, he is being insecure and unreasonable, but you say he does only bring it up once a year. I understand you have since grown up, got married and had a child, but you still were 6 years into your relationship when you decided you wanted a "break" (was this fully splitting up and was he on board with this?) and slept with other people. He is being unreasonable to hold onto this yes, and it must be frustrating, but if I loved him I wouldn't mind reassuring him once a year even if he is being a bit silly. Do people really dump their partners citing "abuse" just because they get a bit insecure once a year?

You weren't together. You were on a break. You can do what you want when your single. He knew and he chose to get engaged. He chose to marry you. He chose to have a child with you. He chose a life with you.

I wouldn't allow him to continue punishing you for something you did a lifetime ago when you were essentially single. Why should he see have to see someone? Because it is impacting his mental health and your relationship. Honestly, he needs to draw a line under it, stop bringing it up and stop punishing you or you need to consider ending the relationship for good.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply, I’ve read all of them and I can see truth in them all. I do think counselling (or at least a couple of sessions) could be very useful for us so I’m going to look into this.

I do think that perhaps my guilt over it causes me to blow his sporadic need for reassurance out of proportion so I will also look into doing the work I need to to forgive myself and move on myself.

thank you all x

You said you were on a break so you have nothing to feel guilty over in the first place. I am not convinced he really is insecure about this, it feels more like he enjoys having a stick to beat you with.

I agree with this.

Sounds like his routine is:
I feel shit about myself because I haven't achieved my goals in some way
I want an excuse and someone to blame
I know! I will have a pop at Mrs Pie about something that happened 10 years ago while we weren't in a relationship, and I know she feels shame about
Voila! Now she is ashamed and guilty, and I feel smug and innocent.

It's an absolute dick move, and he needs to stop doing it. Counselling may help. Or as PPs have suggested, next time it starts just say "I'm not going to go over this again. It's 10 years in the past and it's going to stay there." Then just walk away and stop engaging.

I might also tell him that his behaviour is making my fanny dryer than the sahara desert, but I'm a bitch like that.

I think what makes it difficult for your dh is that you were the one that ended the relationship (which is fair enough if you weren’t happy) while he was presumably the one that was hurting, and you weren’t.
You then were able to explore other sexual relationships so you could ‘try before you buy’.
I’m assuming your dh didn’t sleep with anyone else while you were apart?
The mind is a strange thing. He probably doesn’t want to feel this way.
But he probably has the images of you out enjoying sex with other men while he was left devastated that you had left him.
I’m not sure what or if there is an answer.
How would you feel if he had slept and done intimate acts with other women?

I’ve told him maybe he should talk to someone and his answer is “why should I have to?”

Because HE is the person in the wrong here, not you? Sleeping with any number of other people when you were not together is not wrong. Holding this over your head forever is abusive.

I echo pp - you didn't betray him. You weren't together at the time. Although you didn't have to, you told him about it. He got back together with you knowing it had happened.

So he has no right at all to use this against you.

He may have self confidence issues, and your past may genuinely bother him when they raise their head. But the problem is in his own head. It's not anything you did. So for a start, it isn't fair of him to start an argument about it. If this is bothering him, then he should seek some therapy to understand why HE has this problem. If he doesn't want / can't be bothered to have therapy, then he has to accept it may bother him, and to accept that every time he mentions it, he's affecting your relationship for the worse. He has to acknowledge that he's being unfair blaming you for something you didn't do. Holding something against you for years when a) you did nothing wrong, and b) you can't undo it.

Pressed Post too soon!

.... and you need to learn not to blame yourself for any of this. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG, and to decide if you're willing to put up with years more of it, if he isn't willing to seek help to sort his damaging thoughts out.