Is this abuse?

[popitswitch]

I need help with this I think and it's affecting our relationship.

When I'm overwhelmed and I have too many things going on, I criticise my husband for not doing enough.

My husband doesn't initiate a lot of things and is slow to organise etc. I can usually take it but when I'm overwhelmed, I just want him to move his arse and get things done.

Am I abusive?

No where near enough context to know OP.

Is he accusing you of being abusive?

Yes.

You could collaborate on drafting a table with one column for you and another for him and list what each of you do in the relevant column to get an overview.

How on earth are we supposed to tell just from your OP? 'criticising' doesn't necessarily mean abuse, but it all depends on your behaviour when you're 'overwhelmed'.

Do you shout/scream? Call him names? Throw things? What are we talking about here?

It depends on how you criticise him and how you deal with conflict and arguments around this with him. It might help to research what healthy conflict and constructive criticism versus toxic criticism looks like to give you an idea if you could improve your approach.

Well it depends on how you're criticising, what's said, what's done - so many things.

Can you give a few examples?

Usually I'm happy and I say that.

Then, it's - we need to do this, you haven't done anything to move this forward, you leave things that need doing, I want you to lead the household.

He gets defensive and swears. And I raise my voice etc.

Even if you haven't literally said it, your message implies "you always leave things". Of course this is going to insult him, because I'm sure he can think of at least 1 if not more situations where he didn't just leave things and you either didn't notice or are now not including them.

It is better to focus the discussion on this one particular occasion rather than a general you always do this.

Also, we can't tell if your demands are reasonable or not, people have different standards on what level of tidy the place needs to be and maybe you can both try to meet in the middle?

Also if you are usually happy, it seems it's more rare that there is something you are unhappy about. So most of the time he doesn't leave things? If it's just the occasional time, but most of the time it's fine, I don't think it justifies such a massive reaction?
Rather than venting your frustration when overwhelmed (that's what it sounds like), maybe try being honest about how you are feeling: darling I'm getting really overwhelmed and stressed, could you please give me a hand with this?
And if he is also overwhelmed or has reasons why it's not done, listen calmly and priorise what's the most important and leave the rest. Sometimes not everything has to be done to top standard and you might both need rest and to be there for each other instead.

I'm not sure why you want your husband to lead the household though? It should be a joint effort if you have a house and a family.