I’m scared stiff of dating

[Lilllypad11]

Was cheated on by my ex. Never been confirmed but he behaved in this manner before we actually became a couple 6 years ago. We were fwb and sort of dating would go for food etc. one random day I never heard off him. I then reached out and he just said. I’m seeing someone else. I like them. This time round we were fully together. I became fed up of a lot of things. Addressed them. He then became distant after a holiday. Barely texted me back. I drove to his. He just said “I don’t know if I love you” then his phone was ringing non stop. Just said it was his manager. 3 weeks ago his insta was full of pictures of a new woman.

The proof was there. I didn’t need to know anymore.

But….im scared to date. It’s been 6 months pretty much. But yet, the fear of falling for a man makes me so scared. I gave my ex all I could. And now I don’t know how much I can give again. It’s so scary. I get so frightened to like a man. Even if every box is ticked for me. I feel like I need to keep shutting my feelings down and not fall so fast.

im exhausted.

The fear of being cheated on or never being good enough just never goes away.

Maybe you should leave it a bit longer? You don't sound ready to date yet.

I have never dated since because I'm scared. Scared to trust anyone and reveal so much of myself.

Never accept fwb when you want more, that was your first error.
Are you saying that in the last 6 months you have met men who ticked every box, but you shut your feelings down to not fall so fast? If so, you're actually quite right, it should take a good few months before falling for someone. Even when you do, that's not the time to start 'giving everything'. Never do that, it's about sharing equally. Sounds like you do need to keep yourself in check, which is tiring, but better than getting hoodwinked and hurt, it makes sense to be cautious.
It could be that your fears pre date your ex, maybe he seemed less of a threat to your feelings by being a fwb, so an outside situation stopped you falling - until he saw someone else, then you realised.

OP you mention 6 years ago the first time around but not how long it you were properly together this time around. But assuming it has been fairly long term I’d say 6 months might not be long enough and you don’t seem to be that ready. Maybe take another few months to build yourself back up?

I was with my ex for 6 years, we owned house together etc, it ended (no cheating or anything), but I still didn’t feel ready to even think about dating for around 18 months and it was 2 years before I actually got myself out there.

Everyone is different of course but with your fears likely arising from past experiences of cheating and poor treatment by ex it would be reasonable to give it a bit more time. Just to give yourself the best chance of making healthy choices in future eg not rushing into anything or settling for less than you deserve. Best of luck!

You don't have to date. It's okay to be single. Or you could just do casual stuff, and not give yourself emotionally - but that doesn't suit everyone, so only considerit if it wouldn'tbe a problem for you.

If you're young and want children, you probably will have to date at some point, unless you can afford to go it alone. But you still don't have to date now.

Ficus on yourself, on work, on friends, things you do fir you. When I started OLD, I made a rule that existing friends and activities always came first. I haven't cancelled meet-ups with friends nor yoga classes because of a date- and if a man isn't happy with that, it tells you a lot about him (mostly to bin him off.)

in 2015 we had fwb. He came back 2016. We had a proper relationship. Took him 6 months to commit to me. So again it started with fwb. Eventually we had a 6 year run together. Properly committed. But I discovered that things weren’t all as they seemed.

Yeah I’m really scared though. Like even for example if I might just like someone. I just start being riddled with anxiety and overthinking it. It’s crazy. I was never ever like this before.

Yeah it’s the trust. I’ve had my trust broken by my ex. And now I just need to learn how to be better.

Totally understandable! if you haven’t already, have you thought about seeking some counselling to help you deal with all those feelings you’ve been left with? This could help you move forward and avoid taking them into your next relationship.

It’s great you are recognising all of this as an issue (many could be lacking in such self awareness) but how to address those feelings is the tricky part.

Why post twice?