Why do I feel my husband is still mine?

[userzH]

He's abusive.
He's a narcissist.
He met someone else straight away - pretty sure we overlapped
Not seen him in 4 months. The last time I saw him he told me I would never see him again and I would have his death on my hands - meaning he was going to take his own life.

We are getting divorced. It's gone from boderline harassment from him to absolutely zero contact unless necessary.

I don't miss him but I still feel like he belongs to me (not in a possessive way). He has his new girlfriend and he moved into her house straight away. He had no where to live.

I don't want him back but...yeah I feel like none of this has really happened. I feel like it was only yesterday we were together.

I'm not sat crying, heartbroken etc. I'm hopefully coming out of the grief but it's hard.

He hasn't changed at all (he used to promise me over and over that he would) which in a way is comforting but confusing that I still feel this attachment to him even though I've not seen him since October last year.

Anyone else experienced this?

Sounds like you are trauma bonded? There are some good podcasts and articles on this

Have you accessed therapy to process what has happened to you?

Congratulations on your amazing escape. Have you had the healing you need to ensure you are never in that position again?

I didn't feel that way. It was easier for me, within a couple of weeks I was feeling very liberated. It sounds as trauma bond as PP suggested. Don't rumiate in those feelings they are very negative, can you go to counselling?

Thank you - I know all about trauma bonds. I thought I had broken it but I think you are both correct.

I am having therapy. I'm really trying. I can go for days being absolutely fine to just feeling heartbroken. Yet I don't miss him and certainly don't love him.

He hasn't actually got a new girlfriend. He's found a new victim who - strangely enough - has her own home so he can move straight in.

I agree with the others about trauma bonding and think it would be really useful for you to talk to a therapist about this. Does your GP offer free sessions?

It's always worth noting how guys like this follow a script. Just from what you've said:

• he threatened suicide if you finished with him
• he found someone else to live with immediately
• there was probably an overlap, which means that while he was threatening suicide he was also on dating apps

I'm sure if you told us more about him we'd hear many, many stories of him stonewalling you and blaming you for everything that went wrong in his life.

Maybe you are going through a period of feeling numb due to the overload of emotions you are not ready for yet? Perhaps the full on acknowledgement of who he really is and that the relationship was never what you thought it was, can be devastating. When you say it feels unreal it's no more, that kind of equates with the feeling of numbness and could explain the lack of emotion you are currently feeling about the situation? It might be that you will need more time before the realness of it all kicks in and that might come with a heap of emotions, but will be part of the road to recovery.