Separated from my husband and father of my kids 18 months ago. We weren't getting along at all- lots of resentment, quiet contempt, irritation and complacency towards each other. I asked him to leave and he moved into a rental owned by his brother- he pays minimal rent as his brother has already paid the mortgage of the property. Mainly just bills.
For us to fully divorce, we would need to sell the family home which I am still living in and divide the equity to buy two smaller properties. We've been holding back on this due to the current mortgage rates etc. But it is the plan.
Then 4 months ago, I began going through quite a testing time (I don't want to go into detail) and my ex has basically been my biggest support. He's been happy to do the huge lion's share of everything to help me. I have one parent living abroad, the other is an alcoholic and I'm an only child so he just showed up and has been doing since,completely off his own back. The tension that was between us when we were together has dispersed and he has been kind and friendly and incredibly helpful. We enjoy each others company again for sure.
He returned to his rental today after spending a few days with us as it has been my time with the children and I haven't wanted to miss out on them, but also needed help with things at home, so he's been here. I'm sad that he's gone. It's been nice. He cooks, he cleans, he is great with the childrens routines and needs, he walks our labrador. He does a lot more for me than most married men do.
I know that he wants to come home (he has said so) and a big part of me wants him home too. But the problem is, he won't talk about anything. Communication is zero. Always has been. He refuses to discuss anything relationship-wise. This will never change. But I need some assurances for him to come home that things can be different. At the moment, we do not have an intimate romantic relationship as the children are around and we don't want to confuse them. Sometimes he hugs and kisses me briefly at night when they're in bed and once tried to have sex with me but I was on my period. He sleeps in the spare room when he's here though so not to confuse the children.
But, I'm not sure how we test whether we can have a loving, intimate relationship given that we have no childcare available to us. His parents have dementia, mine are not able and things are complicated with his brothers and I (I don't like them) and they would not support us by offering childcare for us to date.
I'm also not sure he values a romantic relationship the same way I do and would be just content to come home and live under the same roof again. Things are easier practically when he's here and we have got along very well since around October. He's my favourite person again, like he was before it all went wrong. But I would like to be in a loving, adult, sexual relationship too.
I've begged for him to attend relationship counselling with me to see if we have a chance but he says he doesn't believe in counselling so it's a massive no. It's like he's biding his time and waiting for me to have him back when there is still uncertainty for me. What if he comes back and begins behaving the way he did before he left? Although he seems to be much different now and seems to have realised something... I don't know. I also worry about the impact of his brothers who don't like me and have caused issues between us in the past..he would never see them in a negative light though and is more likely to blame me for future issues based on past experiences.
What do I do?