Husbands lies and secrets scare me!

[Worriedwifeandmum]

Just wanted a bit of advice and to see if I was being unreasonable.I am a stay at home mum to 4 young children. Since having out first child my husband has always been very against me going back to work and has wanted me at home bringing up the children. In doing this it has meant that I've not been able to build a career for myself and have started to lack confidence.

This had always felt okay until now as my husband runs his own company and I have always been listed as a managing director. What has bothered me more recently is that I have found out that my husband has been keeping several things to do with a business a complete secret from me. He has applied for loans through the company without even consulting me and has now taken on a new employee without caring to tell me aswell.

We had previously spoken about this and he promised to include me more, I have offered time and time again to be more involved and to help with admin and things but he point blank will not let me. We have my parents who love very close and have offered to support with childcare in order for me to help.

Today he surprised me by saying he is off tommorow to meet the new girl working for him and give her a new laptop ( I literally knew nothing about this) and if my opinion was important atall think this is a bit premature as the company has not been growing at the rate to validate this expense.

I am now feeling really lied to and wondering what other secrets he may be keeping. I would like to establish some form of independence away from my husband but at the moment I am completely financially dependent, even though to see any money from him each month I have to ask him like a small child, which is really belittling. I'm just worried that he is going to run the business into the ground with my name on it aswell as his.

Talk to the accountant and see what's what with the books then take it from there.

Trust your gut . You are financially very vulnerable. Demand to be more involved taking on a new employee seems odd

Tell him you want your name off it if he's unwilling to share any details. Not sure of the legalities of it in the UK, but resigning as a director should be straightforward.

It sounds very suspect that he's refusing you access to information but yet is taking on loans, buying expensive equipment and adding staff.

Definitely don't let it get any further without either full financial disclosure from him, or removing yourself.

Can you run a credit check against your name? If he's fraudulently acquired funding using your name, that's another massive issue you'll need to make a decision on.

Since having out first child my husband has always been very against me going back to work and has wanted me at home bringing up the children.

And did you also want this?

Check companies house to see what charges/debentures are listed against the company. Then run your own personal credit check on yourself - you can sign up to Experian which should list your personal debts. Who else is listed as director? I must confess I always thought two directors had to sign for loans against the company with a witness to signatures in the loan deed but I must be wrong.

At first I was okay with it, but after each child I have told him that I'm losing my confidence and would like to do something.

He always says fine, go and get a job then! But then kind of makes it impossible for me or guilt trips me about putting little ones into a nursery.

I think as his mum stayed at home with them when he was younger he wanted me to emulate this, and I have loved being with the children but just feel like the world is passing me by a little bit and it's getting harder and harder to imagine rejoining the world.

You are very vulnerable. It's much easier to down play income as a self employed person in a divorce.Can you get access to accounts etc now? Try your best because if it come to it at least you will have something. And a Stop trying to get more involved with the business. He won't let you. You dont need his permission to work, especially if your mum and dad will do child care, you need to get some independence away from him. In a divorce you will own half the assets. Not airway what that means for the business. Can you get legal advice now? Lots of firms do a free half hour. Bottom line, I'm sorry but this won't get better. You need to try and work out how you gain some financial independence. You may find when you assert yourself he gives you a bit more anyway as he won't want a divorce. However please think long and hard about what you want and start protecting yourself. Speak to domestic abuse charities. Abuse is not just physical and this sounds like coercive control to me. Good luck.

I don't think he has actually gone through with taking the loans just applied for them. He has taken a new employee without any discussion and bought all new equipment. I just feel I should have been a little more involved in this process or even just consulted. It makes me feel insignificant.

I think as his mum stayed at home with them when he was younger he wanted me to emulate this

And the two of you agreed on this before having children? Or he just expects you, for unexpressed reasons of his own, to raise the children his way, regardless of your own feelings?

Don't be director of a company you know nothing about. Tell him you need to see the books or you're out. Tell him how you need your marriage to be, or you're out. You're behaving as if he's your boss, and so is he. Something has to change, and it's unlikely to be him.

You're managing director, what does that actually mean for you? Does that mean you could be held accountable if your husband was doing something underhand in the business? Why the bloody hell are you a managing director of a business you have nothing to do with? Get your name off it immediately!

And yes, work on getting your independence back. Never ever be dependent on a man for anything. If you want to be a housewife, fine but make sure you have enough savings in your own name and your CV is up to date with current voluntary work so you have references if it all goes tits up and you have to get a job.

This is great advice (and something I wish I’d done years ago)!

work on getting your independence back. Never ever be dependent on a man for anything. If you want to be a housewife, fine but make sure you have enough savings in your own name and your CV is up to date with current voluntary work so you have references if it all goes tits up and you have to get a job.

Wise words and should be a MN statement.

ESPECIALLY with kids in the mix.

I don’t think he’s particularly lied it doesn’t sound as though you have an active role in the business
more than likely it’s a tax dodge to have you as a director

It really is a terrible idea to be listed as a director of a company you know nothing about. You could be held personally liable for the company's financial losses, health and safety incidences or other incidents such as a data breach. You can be found negligent as a company for something you've done, but also for something that you have failed to do. Tell your husband that you want a full briefing on the running of the company, including transparency around all finances or you want to be removed as a director. Then follow the advice of various women who have already posted and work on your independence.

I don't understand how you can be MD if you are not involved in the company. It is a key role in running a business and carries responsibilities. What role does your husband hold? Is he is using the role of MD to have you on the payroll and minimise tax?

Are you also a shareholder?

You are right to be concerned. Please start to secure your financial independence as soon as possible.

Being a director doesn't give you any kind of ownership of the business, you would need to be a shareholder for that. Why has he got you as a director anyway - how many others are there?

Does he let you see the accounts of the business?

Cherchez la femme. I am sorry to say.

But where has the money come from for new equipment? You really need to do all the checks pps have suggested.
Also if you’re listed as a managing dire tor, why aren’t you paid a salary? IIRC this actually helps the tax situation though rules may have changed in recent years.
Please do the financial checks, you’re in a very vulnerable position.

I agree with other PPs re addressing your financial independence, vulnerability and impact on confidence by being persuaded to stay at home.

But I’d be EXTREMELY worried about him keeping you away from a business on which you are listed as a director, especially if you’re concerned about his business actions ie overstretching and seeking additional finance.
I assume the company might be paying you a salary - if yes does this get paid into an account he is also on (joint but is he pocketing it) and also what work could he claim you’re undertaking to earn it if you’re not even allowed anywhere near business activities?

At best you might inadvertently be helping him to tax dodge, at worst you could end up in a very difficult legal position if he gets into ‘dodgy dealings’ territory. The law doesn’t really accept ‘ignorance is bliss’ or ‘turning a blind eye’ arguments so you need to be so careful.

Agree with the others, yes get your name off the Company, speak to the accountant!

Do you have any of your own money? Do you claim child benefit for your children?

And where has this woman come from? Has he advertised for an employee?

I too would be worried about who this person is & where she has appeared from!