Why are my children saying this now? TW: domestic abuse

[Edsspecialsauce]

I split up with the father of my children a year ago. He struggled with his MH and became increasingly angry. It ended when he threw our DS (7) into a wall when he wouldn't be quiet. He said it was an accident but it was enough for me to see what he was capable of.
We used to argue all the time and it made my DC's very anxious when we were together. I remember my DD, then 7, wetting herself because she was so anxious that her dad would shout at me.
It's been a stressful but lovely year. I'm working full time but they stay with friends or family after school and their dad never did pick ups anyway. They see him at weekends, he is supervised by his parents.

Recently they have started to say that they want their dad to come home. It's been gradually brought up more and more in conversation.
I don't think anything has caused this. We did see him more over Christmas but I wouldn't say it was enough to replicate the past for them.
Yesterday my DD wrote me a note that said she had been sad since he left and that she would be sad until he came back home. I validated her feelings but reminded her that she felt very scared when he was here that he would shout.
My son said the same, that he would like daddy to come back. I said that I wanted to keep him safe and I didn't feel I could keep him safe when daddy was living here. I just don't know what's started this. My ex is happy, he is much less anxious now he's living out of the family home.
I am happier. I have no intention of moving on or getting back with my ex.
It's really shocked me that this is how they feel. Perhaps it's the novelty has worn off. Yesterday I was a bit stressed about work and housework and perhaps they see that I used to be just good cop but now I have to be good and bad cop. I say 'I'm only one person' a lot so perhaps that's effected them?
Any advice from anyone who has experienced similar would be very welcome!

They're very young, are they perhaps just wishing for a 'perfect' family unit?

Or is dad putting them up to it?

I would make it crystal clear, while acknowledging/ validating their feelings that it is not their dad's home anymore and he will never be moving back in with you all. It benefits them to understand and see hard boundaries put in place.

Reassure them they will feel happy again, you will all build new memories and lots of people have happy lives & homes with separated parents.

@DdyDaisyDaresYou I don't think he is, I think he's happy back being a single man

I've just added to my previous answer, but if you're sure he isn't putting them up to it or manipulating them (and can you really be with an abusive man?), then I would suggest enough time has passed todull memories and they're seeking more of the safety they now feel in ideals of the 'perfect' family

@Edsspecialsauce I suspect that your ex and his parents are leading the conversation there!

I don't know to be honest. My ex won't come to the house so the idea that he would want to move back is odd to me. Most of the time when we were together he acted like he couldn't stand me, that I was a huge cause of his MH and anxiety. Now he acts like a weight has been lifted from his shoulders and I don't think he would try to come back. My in laws are on my side and so I don't think they would, of course you never know.

is it maybe the grandparents drip dripping into them? if not you just have to keep reaffirming that dad and mum have their own houses now and we won't be getting back together but we love you very much.

I think it's more likely the time has passed and they're remembering good times when their reality is stressed, tired mum, less money in the house and a Disney dad who takes them out and spoils them.

Validate their feelings but let them know clearly this will not be happening. It’s important they understand this. I would tell them that their dad loves seeing them and he loves living by himself know they are both safe with mummy. It’s your children worrying about him and now seeing him happier makes them think everything could be fine if he came back. It won’t of course, and thankfully your eyes are wide open.

@mamacorn1 yes you're right. I will never go back but I think there's an element of them that might miss certain parts of him being there. Like with everything it's not always shit all the time, and I think children don't overly reflect on the bad times.

I think kids crave what is familiar to them, even if what is familiar is also scary and makes them unhappy. I suspect it's very normal for kids coming out of domestic violence to still want to be back with their abusive parent. That is what loves feels like, and they love their dad. You also see this in women who go back to abusive partners, and maybe a lot of these women had abusive parent as well.

You've done so so well to have left him, and sound resolved in your decision. That's the best thing you can do for your kids. Validating their feelings is also so important. I wonder if they would benefit from some therapy? Is that possible?

I think kids crave what is familiar to them, even if what is familiar is also scary and makes them unhappy. I suspect it's very normal for kids coming out of domestic violence to still want to be back with their abusive parent. That is what loves feels like, and they love their dad. You also see this in women who go back to abusive partners, and maybe a lot of these women had abusive parent as well.

You've done so so well to have left him, and sound resolved in your decision. That's the best thing you can do for your kids. Validating their feelings is also so important. I wonder if they would benefit from some therapy? Is that possible?

@TopicalNameChange why now though, one year on? I would have thought this was their normal now?

Could it be that they've picked up that he might be dating someone new, or considering dating?

They might be worried about what the future holds if they end up with a step-parent and they might therefore prefer to revert to what's familiar.

It may even be that someone at school has mentioned that separated parents often date other people and that might have put the idea into their heads.

@Edsspecialsauce maybe they feel safe enough now and some of the harder emotions (fear, adrenaline, worry) have settled, and the more core sadness is expressing itself as a loss? They have experienced a loss, maybe it is hard to articulate that and they are just left with missing dad, now that the scary bits of dad are further from their minds?

I'm really not an expert on child psychology but it sounds like a 'normal' stage that kids may need to work through with a little bit of help. Big hugs to you, this must be very hard

How has their life changed in the last year?

Most kids whether abused or not will have an attachment to their father.

If they see their father is happy and they see that you are happy then they might wonder why you can't live together and be happy?

They might be unhappy about some of the changes that have happened (eg maybe they have fallen out with one of their friends and the mum is still taking them after school to not let you down but your kid is uncomfortable).

Have you moved, do you have visibly less money, are things obviously bad in some fashion?

Clearly you are not going to go back to him. But it's worth maybe probing where this has come from because maybe it's something you can sort easily,

Does he live with his parents? If so, they may be getting fed up with him and see a reconciliation as a way of getting him out of their home, or, he may be getting fed up of living at his parents and sees getting back with you as a way of getting out of their house. I strongly suspect the idea has been planted by either or both of them, because they wouldn’t have come up with it by themselves. They know how tough it was when he lived with you. In your shoes I’d shut it down firmly and completely so they absolutely know there is no going back. ‘I am sad that you’re sad, darling, but your father and I cannot live together. It makes us both very unhappy, and remember how upset you used to get? We can’t go back to that and so we will never, ever, go back to the way things were’.

It is very common in abusive relationships for children to miss the abuser they arnt really missing them though they are missing the idea of them ds1 dad was very much an abusive parent he was very attached to him though and struggled with the split blamed me smashed my house up regularly to this day we still have unbreakable plates etc but when the social worker asked him if he wanted to see his dad he said no (neither of us were there this was done at school) he said no and asked to come home to mummy he knew I was safe 🤷 taken him the better part of ten years to really close the door on his dad (who continues to be abusive) so it's not an easy process he tried for years to match the Disney dad with the aggressive driving dad the dad who broke doors the dad who made "mommy bleed" eventually he quit trying

I suspect that as he is happier out of the house all they are seeing is the good dad who spoils them and miss that presence when they are with you. They have gone from you being the good, safe one with him the scary one to you being everything and dad being the happy spoiling one. The bad memories will be fading and they see him being fun and want that more.

I think maybe some age appropriate honesty is needed here. Maybe first you need to get to the bottom of their feeling, ask them how they feel and why. What made them feel like this etc. then depending on their answer explain that dad was very unhappy living at home and scared you all. It might be like that again if he came back.

I don't believe in protecting the kids from what he can be like. They need to be armed for the future and able to recognise bad behaviour from him and also from others who may come into their lives or it's possible they may repeat the patterns as they grow older.

Maybe they have a bit of cognitive dissonance going on. I remember begging my abusive step-dad not to leave when I was little, I’m old enough to know I was probably just thinking of the good times. Plus my mum didn’t cope very well not having a man around he ruled the home and us with an iron fist. Looking back I wouldn’t have chosen either as my care givers. Maybe your children are just thinking of the good times.

Could his parents have said anything? Maybe not in depth but maybe one cried when leaving and something like done cry, daddy will be home soon ?

I would just keep in saying what you’ve said, acknowledge they’re sad but lots of children see their dads away from home. This helped mine.

I would just validate their feelings as you did and insist that, unfortunately, it’s not possible.
I wouldn’t try to convince them it’s better that way or explain why (or at least not yet).
But I’d simply say that sometimes, you simply can’t get what you want. It’s a shame but you can’t.
If they ask why, then I tell them that he had become violent (when he threw your ds onto a wall). And violence is never acceptable. That’s it.
Because that’s the bottom of it.

As to why it’s coming out, it might just be that they are pinning for that family life. Fear will have faded into the distance. They will still love their dad, who is now nicer to be around. So ofc they are dreaming for that ‘perfect family’ with mum and dad on their best behaviour, happy etc….