Infidelity

[Wheeliebin2020]

Hi, I don't want to trigger anyone so if its too sensitive don't keep reading....
I'm looking for your experiences of how you caught your spouse cheating, like, what things did you notice and what helped you confirm? Also Did you play the long game to find out or did it all just come out unexpected ?(Physically/online)

This isn't an article BTW, it is my life, I could have added alot more but don't want to give info overload :/

I had no idea until she took our new car for a night away with friends.
Said car had an app where you could see where is was. Turns out it was absolutely nowhere near where it should have been.

i kept my council for a while to get definitive proof and line up my ducks accordingly.

We shared a Google account, I happened to see he was at a restaurant we went to together....2+2=4. I knew he was friendly with her but never thought they were having an affair. As soon as confronted it all came out, had been going on for a couple of months. I couldn't have waited to build evidence. (Still together, working on it)

Oh where to start: he began working extra hours. Sometimes he was going in at 6am and that’s not him - he likes a lie in normally. He’s always worked late but started working later and when he got home he was logging back on. Glued to his phone and I could see he was on WhatsApp and smiling: during lockdown I heard him on the phone to her several times and it floored me. I heard him say he loved her. Things in the car - hair grips, bobble, hairs. Cat hairs too - we have no pets. The worst thing? I know I’ll get called out for this… when he was drunk and sleeping heavily one night I took his finger for the iPhone ID and held it against his phone and he hadn’t deleted the messages from that day - and she responded as she could see him online. I didn’t reply, just put it back.

Work nights out - he’d always come back at around 1.30, that was standard. But he started coming home at nearer 5am, even on work nights.

He didn’t change his appearance, if anything he stopped showering as often at home.

I could tell when they’d fallen out as he was grumpy and snappy. And then he’d come back from work one day and act so so happy he was beaming. Clearly made up.

I hate myself for staying. But I did for my DC, and because I had no money. I wish I hadn’t sometimes - he was very down in 2022 and behaving very oddly and I think that’s when they stopped seeing each other.

He’s less secretive with his phone now and my daughters check it, so I don’t think they’re in contact now. She left his firm and went to work elsewhere. He now works from home most of the week so he’s only out one of two days and give one of our DD a lift to college so he’s no opportunity now (or much less). He no longer goes on very late nights out, just the odd work function and he’s back by 11.30. And doesn’t reek of perfume. But I’ll never trust him again, and I’m starting to think I’ll leave him - but I’d much rather he just went and left me and the kids in the house.

It ruined my self esteem, when he knew my first husband left for another woman (got her pregnant a couple months after my second daughter was born). I’m no longer the bubbly happy woman I used to be.

@Plantmother71 Has he no idea at all that you knew? How have you managed to keep all this to yourself?

He does know I know. Not the full extent - I asked him on several occasions: I was angry and I shouted, I was upset and I cried, and I even tried asking calmly. Each time he shut it down, gave me the silent treatment and refused to talk. It is better now. Not good. Just better than it was as I’m not trying to guess where he is or what he’s doing.

oh he went training often too - he was training to run along Hadrian wall in some sporting event. So he’d often be out on a weekend. He damaged his foot just over a year ago. He mentioned her name whilst he was on strongpainkillers.

Wish I’d not stayed. I wish I’d told him to go. It’s not as stressful now and the sex is limited (I stopped it for a time when he was with her as I’m not letting him have his cake and eat it. I’m not a muffin). Some of the affection is slowly coming back. I think I feel more that I’m just settling for him and I’d like someone who treats me better. But I feel like he’s just settling for me too. I don’t know what will happen when the kids leave home.

An odd thing I have noticed is that they do things or say things which seem to suggest they are a split personality. It's hard to describe. An example might be making a sudden derogatory comment in the middle of a nice time together. Like, random thoughts they must be having seeping outward. Or suggestive of them maintaining some sort of split view of you.

Gut instinct. Did some watching, and checking old phone bills.
Took awhile, but worked it out.

Someone told me at work.
Husband, OW and myself work at the same place. She's in my team too. What a treat.

He acted cold towards me, he was OVERLH relaxed about his phone. Leaving it out unlocked. Almost wanting me to search his phone to see there was nothing there as me was a complete wanker saint.
Making more effort to go into the office.
Started uploading selfies to Instagram.
Signing up for Instagram.

My daughter started talking about OW. The charmer took our daughter with him to meet OW while I was in ICU due to cancer complications.
I know. Charmer.

But i didn't find out until after it all finished. Someone at work finally told me last year. It actually ended up finishing because OW boyfriend proposed to her and she said yes. She's now married.
I did tell OW DH. They split for a while. She left work and now I'm adjusting to my life as a single parent.

I will never ever ever forgive him or trust him again.

He was cold and distant towards me. Never initiated hugs, kisses, sex. I'd ask how his day was and he would give me some spiel but rarely ask about mine. Mostly he seemed irritated by me.

He was glued to his phone. He was doing long hours at work and would work on his laptop at home in the evening whilst I was sat next him on the sofa and he had reduced his Teams window down to a comically small size so I couldn't see any of the chat.

He had mentionitus, so I knew exactly who it was and which Teams chat to look for when I eventually got a chance to snoop through his iPad.

The final straw came when I was groped at work by a senior colleague. I came home upset and when I mentioned it he didn't get angry or upset on my behalf. Nor did he seem concerned for me. He just made a joke about me using it for a promotion. That prompted me to snoop on my next chance.

Turned out he was having an emotional affair with his PA.

I hope you're ok OP.

@Syndulla this is awful 😞

It's always bloody work isn't it.
Makes me sick.

Coming in late, 4am

Constantly flirting with most women in social situations

Being told by a close family member that it was obvious what he was up to which made me pack my bags and leave - I had been in denial up until then

Hope you are ok?

@Plantmother71

That’s awful.

I don’t know how you can have sex with him at all.

@Plantmother71 😮 You're missing out on meeting someone that could live and respect you for the rest of your life? Life is so short to just put up with that