Want to leave my partner - advice

[josiejane]

Been together 10 years, have a 2 year old and a joint mortgage but not married. He works away and is home from every Friday afternoon until Monday morning. I'm so much happier when he's away, when he's home as soon as DS is in bed we do our own thing which I'm happier with. We never have sex because I just don't feel like I want to. He goes on and on and on whenever we have a disagreement and today I just feel like I want out, I don't feel much for him anymore.

The main thing that has really held me back is that the thought of not seeing my son as much breaks my heart. I feel like I don't see him enough as it is, I work 4 days and usually only get 1.5 hours a day to spend with him when I'm working. I'm not a high earner either, I earn just under 21k and I couldn't afford to pay the bills and mortgage on my own so I don't know what I would do, this has held me back aswell. I think if we broke up he would end up getting a job at home, that's just my feelings. If he did, would he be likely to get 50/50 custody? I've never spent a night away from my son and I never wanted him to come from a broken home but I do feel like I'm much more relaxed and a better parent when he's not around. He is also a good dad too, no concerns with his parenting but I don't feel like we can continue any longer. We've made some lovely memories together and DS has been on lots of lovely holidays and trips away I couldn't afford to do any of that on my own but the older he gets he will be picking up on the fact his parents are unhappy.

I don't even know where to start so any advice would be really appreciated.

Have you spoken to DP about how you feel?

He knows we're both miserable, he's threatened to leave before recently and I'm drained of it. I want to start gathering advice before I make this permanent but I'm pretty sure it's what we both want.

Get your wage and child benefit paid into your own account.
Have a look at the outgoings for the house and see what you could afford.
Check to see if you’d be entitled to any benefits.

My wages already do, child benefit is paid into joint account though. With all bills and mortgage (Mortgage just about to jump up with the new rates) I'd be about 200 short therefore wouldn't have a penny left for food, petrol any other necessities.

Move the child benefit.
Could he, in all honesty, have DC 50%? If he couldn’t you’d be looking at child maintenance too.
Look at your outgoings and see what you can reduce. Make sure you’re getting cashback on your bank account, PAYG SIM card etc

What would happen with the house ? Do you have much equity? I imagine it's unlikely you will be able to buy him out so would need to think about renting. Then if you end up selling the house and you have more than 16k capital from the sale you won't be eligible for benefits. Just things to think about. I think you need to sit down with him and think about what would happen with the house. If he goes for 50:50 then you won't necessarily get any child maintenance.

You need to sell the house and take your half of equity to fund either a smaller house or 2 bed flat. It's unlikely he'd want or get 50/50, so he'd be expected to pay CM which adds to your overall income. He will have to pay a minimum, but if the feeling is mutual and you can keep amicable, he might be willing to pay more as a responsible father.
Have a candid calm chat about it rather than waiting until the next disagreement followed by either you or he threatening to leave in the moment.

I remember being in your shoes. The thought of the first Christmas as a divorced mum of 2 young children was a heavy weight on my mind. My husband and I both come from broken homes. It's not easy to build a happy home if you you never lived in one. And nobody teaches this stuff at uni. You haven't mentioned you tried anything to improve your relationship. You never know it might work. Do you like reading? If you do, the book I personally found most useful is Why Women Talk and Men Walk or How to Improve Your Relationship without Talking about It. There are many more good relationship books around. Cheaper than counselling. It took us a few years however my husband and I did crawl out of the hole we were in and we are now very happy together. I hope it helps

I have about 11k in savings, 5k in my own savings and then we've got joint savings of around 13k which would be split so this may affect any benefits and then we've got about 35k equity in the house but house has gone up around 35/40k in value since we bought it. I've also recently lost a family relative who's will I was in but have no idea how much, a few thousand I think. So I will have savings at least but this would be quickly eaten up if I relied on this for bills and outgoings.

He would definitely want 50:50 custody if he was working at home. But if he continued to work away I would be worried he'd be granted every weekend as weekends are the only proper time I get to spend with my son myself as I too work.

I can’t see he’d get every weekend.

It looks like you are in a good position financially, you could add a large deposit to a mortgage. As he works away a lot, once you have agreed to separate, rather than keep trying so the pressure is off, it may well be not too awful to stay put until the house is sold. You are fine when he is away, and you may have less resentment and less to disagree on when he is there.
I think you are probably sitting prettier than you realise. I bet there will be felief on both sides once it is in the open, then you can move forwards with the details.

Further to my earlier message .... I really couldn't stand my husband back then. My only motivation to improve my marriage was because I wanted to wake up every morning to my children's laughter. It turned out my husband is a very reasonable man and considerate man. Not very different from the man I married

Do you have prospects to earn more yourself Op?

Given you both work, EOW is reasonable. If he won't agree that as a start, he'd have to take you to court for more with no guarantees, as it is reasonable. That in itself is a very costly , time-consuming and stressful task, that may well prove futile, so it's doubtful he'd take it that far.
Try not to worry too much, EOW is ideal for both of you, otherwise it would be impossible to meet anyone new or have a life outside of work and DC's and everyone needs balance.
Hold your nerve, don't focus on worst possible unlikely outcomes, just talk to him, you are just guessing it all until you do.

Less of the “broken home” please a single parent family is not “broken” and can be a lot happier than where parents are together. You may have been unhappy as a child for whatever reasons but there is no reason a single parent household is automatically unhappy so please don’t assume this. My daughter is a very happy child very settled and I know I’m a great mum. We have great lives. Me and her dad are amicable and friendly she spends time with him regularly and there is no ill will. That’s the key. your efforts to save your marriage may have paid off and that’s obviously great that it’s worked but not all marriages should remain. This “broken home” BS is part of the problem and is keeping the stigma alive that leads to women feeling they must stay trapped in awful marriages/relationships.

@wellhello24 well said that woman.

Also a lone parent and it's a happy and peaceful household.

Better to be a single parent than teach kids unhealthy relationship dynamics.