Lonely, loveless marriage and baby #2 on the way

[EekBaby]

I’d love some realistic advice please.

I’ve been with my partner for over 10 years, we have a 3 year old and baby due soon.

I’ve spent many years crying over our relationship. He hasn’t been there emotionally during some difficult periods, and has made every life stage event about him. I had severe anxiety in the build up to our wedding. We’ve never had a time when I felt happy and at ease. (Yes I know, so this is very much my own fault but I felt completely erased/worthless after years of being ignored and denied over major issues. It’s taken years to start feeling some flickers of the person I used to be again.)

My partner is currently going through a period of stress similar to a very hard 2 years I had and Im helping a lot with childcare & home, but I feel unable to be there emotionally for him. He asked me for this yesterday and I felt so, so angry at him asking for something I have pleaded from him for years.

I don’t want to be a single mum… huge credit to anyone who is but I just appreciate it’s really hard. And I wouldn’t be less lonely than I am now. But the thought of being this lonely and sad feels devastating, and like such a waste.

Anyone who’s been in this position… what did you do? How did it work out?

I can’t imagine anyone’s going to suggest you stay with him. You’re miserable and lonely. That seems to have been the case for years. That’s going to be having an awful impact on your child and the baby you’re having.

You probably would feel less lonely on your own because you wouldn’t be feeling let down by a disengaged “partner”. You’d know you can only rely on yourself.

Having another baby has only added to your load but you knew that and must have thought it was worth it that so hopefully you can use this time as the impetus to leave him and start living a happier life.

Lonely and loveless yet here you are pregnant!
Being a happy single parent is far better than living with someone and being miserable, also is that the example you want for your children?

So sorry you're feeling this way.

Personally, I feel like I'd rather be lonely on my own than lonely in a marriage. Whilst you have your DH it'll be a constant reminder of what he's not doing for you.

I'm really evaluating my relationship at the moment and get very anxious at the thought of taking action, let alone the practical stuff that would go with that. I don't think feeling this way means you have to take action right now but, if it's right for you, you can start to come to terms with it in your own time and then be emotionally ready if and when you want to do something in the future.

I would normally encourage communication or marriage therapy, but it seems like what he wants from a relationship is that he takes more that he gives. Some people are like that - selfish. I didn't think people like that are capable of love in the way that you might think of it. They are primarily in a love relationship with themselves, with you not being an equal partner, but more of a side-show serving them.

They'll always be difficult just to have a decent relationship with them because you're always having to work hard just to keep those scales balanced at neutral. It shouldn't be hard work like that.

I'm sorry OP, but another part of me wonders if part of the reason why he sounds like a selfish arse is because you are not 'The One'. You're someone he happens to have met, you happen to have stuck around long enough for him, and that's eventually led to children....but still no marriage. If he is the selfish type, he has even less of an incentive to care about your needs that he did before, as he's managed to get a woman to have his children without having to marry her - bingo!

The motives for men marrying aren't always good ones, for sure, but I do think it's often how men are 'picky' or choosy, and the way they declare to the world who The One' is.

I think you'd feel less lonely as a single parent as you wouldn't be feeling constantly alienated by someone in your own house and you could build up your own support network and get emotional support and companionship from new found friends.