18 year old ds

[BlastedPimples]

He's 19 this year.

Been diagnosed with depression.

Refuses counselling or psychological help.

In fact, every type of appointment he either misses or makes a big fuss about. So I don't make them for him any more.

This is the third time he's started his A level courses. Doesn't study. Gets shit grades and acts surprised when he says he's studied a lot.

Scrolls through TikTok and Insta. Sleeps until at least one pm.

Manages to go to the gym.

Won't get a job.

Won't do anything actually. Kitchen is a shithole every time he uses it despite my continually telling him to clean it up.

I wish he'd grow up and get help and actually leave home. What do you do when someone actively refuses help and refuses to do anything to change their life?

How can I kick him out when he been diagnosed with depression?

In fact I'm starting to feel rage at him.

His dad is not around. Lives in another country. Pretty useless self centred dickhead anyway and ds dislikes him.

It is great that he is going to the gym - could this be built upon? Any other sport he might enjoy? If he gets involved in a team game of some sort, this could be a game changer

He plays rugby too twice a week but this has fallen by the wayside.

If he won’t work, how does he get money for the gym? You have to stop bank rolling him.

He's suffering. Try a new approach. Accept that right now A levels aren't the right thing. Accept that he is unlikely to be proactive. Give him some time and space to be ill.

In the background, work on some strategies. Perhaps wash up with him, after he's used the kitchen, chatting about nothing. If he loves cooking, why not make plans to make something elaborate? Do you have a Chinese supermarket nearby? My teen loves a mooch round, buying unusual noodles flaviurs and odd looking soft drinks!

Same with an Indian/ Bangladeshi/Pakistani supermarket.

Then make the elaborate meal and clean up together. Show him you're on side. That there are still pleasures in life.

Or if he's into coffee, go for a posh coffee somewhere. No pressure, no big chats about his attitude or future, just some nice time together. Same with films, cinema.

Try to reset things with him. Show him that you're not the enemy.

Sounds tough op. You need some time and space for yourself too. Hope things improve.

I should bank rolling him? @DustyLee123

He's got depression. He's not going to do anything.

I really do sympathise.

It would be worth you posting this on MN Teenagers, as it’s a very common theme on there unfortunately.

Can depression ever just lift? Without help or treatment or meds?

AS he becomes an adult he will need to learn self care and responsibility. I do think there is a danger that children who live at home and are fully 'parented' well into early adulthood are risking not developing these skills

This is NOT the same as saying it's no longer your job to worry! or care. Of course it is.

BUt be realistic - the way he is living without paid work is not only unsustainable in the real world it is fuelling his depression because he is staying at home looking at tik tok for hours.

Help him by putting boundaries around his behaviour - if he wants to get fed/ cared for - help him find paid work. If he won't study - he can stop trying for the a levels and try again when he is older and more responsible.

Letting him do what he likes and funding it is not caring for him.

@BlastedPimples some of the most effective cures for depression are free - exercise, fresh air, purpose and friendship.

That isn't hippy shit it's backed by research. Read the Johann Hari book 'Lost Connections - uncovering the real causes of depression'

He needs to learn that - and i am speaking from experience as one of my children has serious MH problems and I absolutely know that when they refuse to leave the house all day they are goign to end up feeling worse after 3 days stuck indoors.

Yes ds is big on exercise. Weight training and rugby. But he seems to have stopped this past month.

His friends have all left for university.

He refuses help to get a job.