Relationships surviving young children

[babycakes778]

How does your relationship survive having young children? I thought it was supposed to get easier but it's getting worse I have a 2 year old who doesn't speak and a 5 year old who doesn't listen. The pressure of these kids on our relationship is immense I don't know how much longer we can live constantly arguing.

Neither one of us gets a break we are either at work or with the kids plus he works nights and I work days.

I honestly feel like I just can't be fucked anymore.

Nothing is ever just easy it feels like you can never just have a nice day.

You're in the thick of it at the moment. Few 5yo listen, and 2yo either don't speak or they make indescribable amounts of noise. It's tough.

But it should get easier from this point forward. You need to be firm about carving out some time for yourselves that is non-negotiable. Can you buy in some help? Date night twice a month, leaving the dcs with a baby sitter.

Leave them with a grandparent, to have an occasional brunch? Is there a hobby you used to do together? It's time to rediscover it.

I really can’t answer, our children are impeccably behaved as we have a strict household policy. What is the arguments over?

You either adapt and overcome and put your resentments aside or you don't sadly. Unfortunately I don't think you are in the worst of it - it doesn't necessarily get better you just learn to live/cope with it better. As they get older there are different pressures - siblings arguing, competing interests, constant activities like bday parties on the weekend, homework arguments, cost.
My ex husband left when my twins were one and eldest not much older than 5 and I thought it was the hardest then - it's easier in lots of ways now a couple of years down the road line but way harder in others.
I think you have to sit down and talk and find ways to stay happy hopefully together

I echo the above in making time for each other. That is really important.We have a 2 year old as well and not too long ago I was considering divorce because of the arguments.We had a serious tall and we have made changes.We are not perfect but feel like we are in a better place now.

Erm we have 3 twin 2s and a 3 and if you don't have rules and some discipline then it won't be a happy house. I can't say an awful lot because we have the opposite we communicate all the time, make sure we are on the same page, make sure everyone is happy wether it be doing some jobs around the house or playing in or out doors. Also make sure each one has a little one on one time each day even just 15 minutes it's amazing how each one loves it and you get to know each personality and likes and dislikes. Once there in bed from 7 hubby and I make our tea together and will chat about the day and just have an laugh and chill. If you don't work at both the kids will sense parents aren't on same page and be unhappy and marriage wouldn't stay strong. Also a lot of love and patience is needed.

I'm probably where you are but have it much easier (one and done, who is an easy child). I think communication is really important, I bet you're both fed up, get some marriage counselling if needed. Do you still love him? That's probably an important question to ask yourself. Solidarity as I had no idea just how much a child can impact your relationship.

Thanks for the replies.

Days are very different as 3 days a week I'm walking in the door at 7 and then he gets ready for work and I put kids to bed. The other 2 days one of us it's taking the older one to kid activities the. On the weekend we only really get a Sunday as he sleeps until the afternoon on sat.

We have less in common now but probably because we're in to different things but still get on for the most part. No one tends to help us at all we pay enough on childcare a month we could probably afford a baby sitter 1 every other month so something to look into.

I do still love him and our family it's just hard there's no let up. Today I've been up since 4.

Work is the main issue but there's no
Giving up his nights or my long hours.

Hopefully it will get easier I am going to speak to him about communication.

The behavior thing we are quite strict just my boys are feral! 😂

Thanks.

Can't offer much advice as I'm in exactly the same boat but I'm watching with interest.

We have a toddler together and I have two older dc from previous marriage. Older kids go to their dads EOW so we used to get a lot of free time to do couple things. Since toddler came along we haven't had a single night out together. It takes its toll. It's very hard having no help. We bicker endlessly and always seem in competition with each other about who has done the most, who is the most tired and so on. Just this morning in fact I was meant to get up with dd and let him lie in but she'd had a rough night and I'd been the one who dealt with her so sort of expected dh to get up, he did but with a lot of venom and swearing. I rolled back over and nodded off thinking is this really what our marriage has become?

He clashes with my older son sometimes and I genuinely feel that it would be easier living alone with my dc at times. But I'm also aware that we are in the thick of it right now and as dd gets older we might get more freedom again. I don't want to make any rash decisions but we are struggling so don't feel like you're alone. It's hard to prioritise making couple time when you're knackered and ground down by the daily slog.

I totally hear what you're saying though. It's very difficult.

It's the toughest bit IMO, just when you are getting a bit more sleep and then the days get harder!
Gallows humour got us through a lot, when the kids were particularly challenging, we'd share a look and say "we never negotiate with terrorists", have code words for regular problems needing all hands on deck "code brown" was when both kids were in the bath and one had pooed in it.

Once you stop the competitive tiredness, and start laughing and coming together jointly as a team, it's alot easier.

If you aren't in a good place relationship wise, do you get to spend anytime together? just jumping into bed for a five minute cuddle and a chat about your day, or any way to connect during the day with a lunchtime call or texts back and forth?

2 year olds and 5 year olds are tricky. Ones learning it's emotions and the other is living in those emotions. It's quite tough till around 8/9 when they become more independent and go through the 'mum your embarrassing stage' when they prefer to be in their own space.

In all honesty, it's down to evaluating your relationships strengths. Is he 50/50? Does he support where he can and vise versa. Is he consciously making an effort just like you are. If he is then you have a good team partner and you both deserve some understanding. It's hard work and you're both still working and being parents. That's pretty amazing. You're allowed to fall out (as awful as it is) you're allowed to feel negative emotions because every parent does. Never feel ashamed of having bad days. Try and get equal opportunities to sleep in, take an hour to have a bath or to go for a walk, tag team it and then hopefully if you have some support take an evening off. Time together. Whatever happens, if he's doing his best and you are too, then you're both incredible and it will get easier. It's hard to think of the positives in the moment but as an outsider I think you're doing amazing! Xxx

Can I just query what this means? The ‘household policy’?

We have strong boundaries, but ds is ND and dd is 2yo so their behaviour isn’t ‘impeccable’. They’re still learning. In general, I’d say they’re pretty good for their age and needs. I’d say all children are still learning, so it’s unusual to expect ‘impeccable’ behaviour at all times.

@babycakes778 Do you do lots of physical activity with them? My two need heaps - just a thought.

I would try and do something together without the children, even if it’s just at home. It does usually get easier as they grow, so don’t panic. Also maybe chat through what you tend to argue about and come up with some plans to avoid the key arguments.

We had to go through marriage therapy when mine was 2yo. We just didn't know how to get quality of time together anymore, or even time for it. It definitely took a massive pressure on our relationship becoming parents. As we are both self employed and DD finally started nursery we decided to have brunch every Friday just us. The odd dinner every now and then but we don't have much family support to watch DD in the evening. Therapy helped definitely, even about expectations about each other regarding childcare but most of all showed us that we never stopped being q couple in a loving relationship. It's a big commitment and we easily stopped doing it... And then we get back to it ... Work is always on the way, but that's the secret in my opinion

I remember a two and a five year old with a DH that worked nights, it was honestly the hardest few years of my life. Someone further up thread talks about competitive tiredness and that was our biggest problem. He thought I got to sleep all night when in reality the kids were keeping me up. I thought he got to sleep all day when in reality daytime noises make sleep difficult. We weren't spending much time together as I was trying to keep them out till bearly bedtime so he could sleep and he would spend Sunday in bed to try to keep some routine to his sleep patterns.

We survived because we were lucky enough to have grandparents to support us getting some time together every couple of months, but it was touch and go. He had to move to days when the youngest was four and a half due to health reasons and I'm not sure that we would have made it as a couple had he not.