Missing ExH and family life

[Veganhotdog]

I've been separated for two years and by and large amicable with ExH and we are coparenting our 6 year old DD peacefully.

Our marriage was on the rocks for years and came to a head during the lockdowns. Tried and failed marriage counselling and I have to admit that after a period of bad health and intense counselling by myself, silent treatment from ExH, I moved out with DD. There was no drama around it, no discussion as Ex ended up not talking to me for around six months in the lead up to leaving. He ignored me and my pleas for discussions. He didn't stop us leaving. He told me to stay put and said he wasn't going anywhere even though he was unhappy too. He refused to engage in the counselling and told the counsellor I was the problem. It felt like the only solution left to save myself from insanity and to save DD from being in a toxic and unhappy home.

Two years later and we are co parenting well and both have settled into new homes. DD is thriving. There were many good reasons for the marriage ending but I cannot help but feel incredibly regretful and now the dust has settled I know that no one will love me like ExH. I know he loves DD deeply. I know deep down we still care for each other and neither of us were well equipped to be in a relationship. But there is no sign of putting this out in the open or any discussion about anything. Neither of us has initiated divorce proceedings. There is no discussion about anything from him.

I honestly look at my life and know it is peaceful now but incredibly sad and lonely. DD is living a split life between two homes. I feel like a complete failure in life, like I have ultimately failed my DD, despite having financial security, a well paid career and a comfortable home. I think to myself everyday what a shame it is that I could not make my marriage work and beat myself up for leaving.

What on earth should I do?

He didn't talk to you for six months while you were still together? That is so weird, he was clearly trying to prove a point, and his pride was more important than you and your marriage.
Don't falter, don't go back; you've said yourself that DD is thriving. I can't imagine how damaging it must have been to her to see her father behaving like such a dick to you. You did the right thing by leaving, by showing her that women don't have to put up with sort of cruel and manipulative behaviour.

I know that no one will love me like ExH.

You don't know this.

what a shame it is that I could not make my marriage work

The unfortunate thing here is that you believe it's all on you. It takes two to make s relationship, and while you have played a part, it didn't fail entirely because of you. By the same token, you can't fix it alone.

It is natural to look back and recall the better times, and not so much the less good times, but you left for reasons that were valid to you at the time.

Personally, I would suggest that it is unproductive to live in the past and to blame yourself in this way. It isn't a bad thing, perhaps, to examine the part you played and see whether you might do things differently in future, but please try to look to that future. There may be someone who loves you more, or as much but in a different way that is more aligned to you. You are less likely to be open to that possibility while dwelling on history this way.

Life is like the windscreen of a car. The majority of the view is forward with only a small mirror showing what is behind you.

If not talking to you for 6 months makes you feel like he loved you more than anyone could, you have a low bar.
You're just getting wistful because you are getting on as co-parents, but that is a different dynamic than living with someone.
You have 50 % of your time free, but it doesn't sound like you are filling it wisely if lonely. Use the time to meet new people, pick up new hobbies, do some travelling, whatever. Sounds an ideal setup to me.

You can't make a marriage work by yourself. He told the counseller that you were the problem and he didn't talk to you for 6 months before you left.

It doesn't seem to me that there is anything you could have dine differently. It sounds very much like you tried to make the marriage work , but he was not willing to put in the effort or even acknowledge any part in the state of the marriage.

What do you do?

Nothing....except one important thing.

You have, and I quote 'financial security, a well paid career and a comfortable home' Your daughter still sees her father regularly and is thriving. You 'saved' her from living with a man who thought (probably still feels) that 'punishing' her mother through the silent treatment was acceptable...and of course it isn't/wasn't. You tried marriage counselling, it didn't work. By getting out you set your daughter a good example, that she doesn't have to put up with crap from a man just so she can say she's married.

Sounds like to me that you only think a woman is 'succeeding' if she has a man. Anything else, a woman being on her own, even if she is happy, is 'failure' You must know that is wrong.

The one important thing you need to do? Start divorce proceedings, stop living in limbo and move on.

You are not a failure.
Please read your post as though it had been written by your DD in the future…what would your advice be? you wouldn’t want DD to be treated poorly, so why accept that for yourself?

Being at peace can sometimes be disguised as loneliness when you don’t have chaos. Learn to realise you are not lonely, you are just free to be you again, without having to worry about who you think you should be for another person or to make a relationship work with that person. It may take some getting used to, but you’ll soon realise that being alone does not mean you are lonely.

im sure your DD is thriving because of having two happy, content parents who are coparenting well, rather than picking up (subconsciously or consciously) on the hostility of situations such as your ExH not talking to you for the months leading up to separation. You may or may not have tried to hide the troubles in your marriage, but children pick up on their parents energies so easily.

whilst reminiscing about the love and good times, force yourself to remember and feel the emotions of the bad times. It will remind you why you left, that you don’t want to feel that way again.

perhaps your ExH may have been emotionally unavailable during that time and has since changed, but you’d have to be certain of that change before putting the three of you through the turmoil that could be another separation if things went south again.

I hope you’ll allow yourself to feel happy soon. You don’t need a partner for that happiness, we’re just conditioned to believe the only way we can be happy is if our lives play out a certain way, usually by assuming we’ll have a loving and ‘perfect for us’ partner, but there’s not a one size fits all guide for happiness. You are the only constant in your life, make sure you find how to be happy with just you. X

Thanks for the replies. I am reading and digesting them.

Replying in general as my screen is too small. I do feel like I have failed my DD through not being able to stick it out and to be better at my own communication with Ex whilst I had the chance. Some days I realise I probably quietly had a breakdown and just jumped ship. Once I made the very difficult decision to leave, it was on autopilot and I feel terrible about this. I certainly don't view single mums as failures at all as everyone's situation is different. It doesn't stop me feeling like I have personally failed my DD though. I am quite certain that I will never want another relationship ever again, I don't want any old partner, I really just mean I want my marriage with my ex back if we could agree to work on it.

I do forgive him for giving me the silent treatment, maybe that's being too nice. My inner feelings have not changed though. I would still give anything to have my family unit back together.

Should I tell him this? Or at least try to have a conversation with him? I did try a couple of times to ask for a conversation about us and our situation since separating and he has mostly ignored me. He has surely never instigated any conversation on this either.

I know I sound so helpless and hopeless.

I'm sorry you feel like this OP when you have done so well and with such self-respect.

The image you have of your ex, is a fantasy. He is not that person.

Who he IS is: someone who ignored you for 6 months and is not sorry about it Someone who ignores you when you want to talk about your situation/ relationship. Someone who does not want to work on your relationship. Someone who does not respect you.

It is not, and was not, possible for you to fix this marriage because he did not want to fix it. This is not your fault, and not under your control.

Sorry OP, but please don't torture yourself with any further thoughts of him.

Talk to him.
Is getting back together a possibility do you think ?

Your DD is thriving because she's out of that toxic environment. Why would you want to put her through that again??

I dunno op! Why are men so passive like this? Why do they retreat in to silence and passivity? Or maybe his six month silence was passive aggression? Who knows? Why are men so poor at communicating? Why don’t they fight for us? Or at least meet us half way? I have no clue. Men confuse me tbh.

The image you have of your ex, is a fantasy. He is not that person.

Yes I am torturing myself I know that. I feel it's a fantasy of an older version of the marriage I am still mourning. Before the lockdowns and losing sense of reality and perspective on things.

@Tigertigertigertiger yes I wish I could talk to him.

I suppose I gave up talking to him as for our whole marriage I did a lot of talking and instigating everything. I used to get very frustrated and angry which I now recognise was entirely my fault and my own "anxious attachment" and fear of being abandoned issues. Then the time came when I gave up talking to him and what I realised was that he had been ignoring me for years and then when I told him I was leaving he totally blanked me, not just blanking, but actually ignoring my existence like I was not there.

@TealSapphire I don't want to put my DD through it all again,you are right. I just want some understanding of how I would even go about getting over this and getting over myself. He's not interested I know that...otherwise he would open his mouth!?!

It's clearly not healthy feeling like this. I cannot sleep.

If you miss how things were when you first got married that is totally understandable. You do need to accept though that your ex has changed and this is the person he is now. Not a very nice one by the sound of it. And you're still doing all the work in trying to communicate with him.

Focus on your DD and your own interests and leave that deadbeat in your wake.

I really don't know how you survived six months not being spoken to by your partner. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. But as you say your marriage was "on the rocks for years" before that so why, genuinely, would you think it will suddenly work now?

If your kid is thriving in the current situation I'd bank that and chill in case a really nice dude comes along

Oh, op. I feel for you. What do you do? You go to counseling for yourself. To heal this wound.

it sounds like a stage of grief, and it’s not real - he refused to talk or work with a counselor, and you can’t make something work with someone who won’t be a partner in the process.

I'm so sorry. I know it doesn’t feel like it where you are right now, but you CAN heal. Just find a counselor.

one day, you’ll feel so proud of yourself for leaving. You’ll thank your past self for taking that bold step. Something inside you knows you’re worth working for - and for him to tell the counselor you were “the problem” was unacceptable and not the way a loving partner speaks.

get the divorce going, so you can grieve cleanly and heal.

He didn’t speak to you for 6 months, made you and your child move out of the family home and you think nobody will love you like him? That’s not love, that’s an idiot who had zero communication with you and how awful an example to your child! You have a fake idea of how things were with him.

Thanks for the replies. Yes it was absolute hell being ignored for the months. Whilst I have forgiven him and myself, I just can't seem to move on from the feeling that I wish it turned out differently.

He has never mentioned the marriage or separation which is plain bizarre. He is however supportive when needed and very willing as a co-parent.

It's very easy to say go ahead with the divorce proceedings. I just don't know what to do.

The first year with my ex was genuinely the happiest year of my life.

After DC he became depressed and abusive.

Now we are divorced and coparenting, I sometimes see the side of him that I was so deeply in love with. Maybe 1% of me thinks “what are you doing, he’s the man you loved”.

And then he’ll say or do something ridiculous and I remember why I HAD to leave him, even though it was hard.

I don’t believe you can go back. He’ll always be the man that didn’t speak to you for six months.

The man who grabbed me by the throat and called me a cunt in front of our toddler was still the man I’d loved so deeply. Doesn’t mean I can go back, because one day it’d happen again.

I think you need to find a way to explore what your feelings really are. Fundamentally, you would like to get rid of - erase - the man who ignored you for six months and has ignored you since, and replace him with an earlier version. This seems like an angry/resentful feeling? Also a feeling which leaves you powerless. You can’t make this not have happened and you can’t change him into who you want him to be however much you wish for this. And it doesn’t sound like you love him, more that you have a wish for a different life. These are just some thoughts.