Sister's boyfriend ignoring me...how hard should I try?

[ViaCrucis1689]

My sister got divorced last year and is dating a guy who has continually ignored me. It's a long story, so please bear with me. I have an obvious physical disability, including a significant speech impairment, so I never expect a person who first meets me to have a conversation with me, and I try not to be too hard on people when we first meet.

So my sister's boyfriend 13 years older than she is (she and I are both in our earlier 30s), they work together, he made a pass at her when he knew she was still married...oh, and they started dating right away after she asked for a divorce. My mom likes him, but even she admits he didn't help any with the dissolution of her marriage when he was going through his own messy divorce.

When I first met her boyfriend, he charmed my mom by "mistaking" her for my other sister, saying something about my mom and I being sisters. But he never really greeted me, but I thought it was just because it was awkward meeting the parents and me, the tag-along. Maybe I'm just used to people knowing the situation, but I hope she would have given him a head's up about me having a disability, etc, etc. Heck, she didn't even tell us they were dating...my one parent just figured it out after being there for a few weeks.

The next two times I saw him, he didn't acknowledge me either. The closest thing we came to interacting was when another family member asked if I had taken part in a tradition at our alma mater (said family member and both of my sisters also went to school there). I said no, and the family member asked my sister's boyfriend if he thought she participated. He said no, and I said I agreed, probably not.

My parents were like "Well, maybe he's just not used to people with disabilities?" Umm, he's in management so he must be used to dealing with people. I call BS on that excuse. They're attitude concerning the issue is just live with it, don't cause any waves.

Bringing it up to my sister would just be a disaster as we don't have a close relationship to begin with, and she'd just tell me I'm overreacting and don't like him.

And then we visited before Christmas, It was pretty much one-sided still on my part. I thought it was going better until the end of the night. He did respond when I greeted him or directly asked him a question.

But he sure is charming. He did seem to listen to me when I contributed to the conversation at dinner. And he seems good with the kids (5 and 2), so I have to give him credit for that.

But then he when he left, he shook my dad's hand, gave my mom a hug, and then not a word to me. He said "Bye guys," but my sister was holding the two-year-old by the door and my parents were near her. I was about 4 feet off to the side, kneeling on the floor, getting something out of my bag, but I was watching all of the interactions, not ignoring the interactions at all.

So I mentioned my observations to my dad.

First, he went back to the excuse that maybe he doesn't know how to respond to people like me yet. I didn't tell him that excuse is getting really old.

Then I teared up and asked, "What if he never does?"

He told me something to the effect that I shouldn't worry about it because I don't know how it's going to end up, which is true, I shouldn't worry about it or him. I'm not sure if he meant he's hoping my sister's boyfriend will eventually come around or if he's hoping he's just temporarily in the picture.

I think he's trying to help me be the bigger person, in a way, not have me think the worst of someone.

Now that he's met my other sister, who I never confided in about any of this, I feel like I can't even confide in her about this because I know how charming he is. I worry that eventually no one will see how he treats me, if it continues, and I'll be the odd one out with no one to back me up.

I'm tired of trying to be the bigger person, I'm tired of trying with this guy. But I see him being around long-term, and I can't burn the bridge with my sister because of my disability and how I'll only have my two sisters when my parents are no longer here.

I don't know if I have a question, per se. Maybe I feel like I'm the crazy one as people have either told me just to deal with it or keep trying with him. Try what? I can't force him to acknowledge me, so I find that very confusing advice.

Is he fully ignoring you, or not giving you as much attention as you want?
*He did respond when I greeted him or directly asked him a question.

But he sure is charming. He did seem to listen to me when I contributed to the conversation at dinner. *

I’m a great believer in first impressions. Just sit back OP and see what develops. It’s early days . Ultimately it will be your sisters decision not yours if this is a relationship she’s invested in.

Me too. I'm not saying I've never been wrong but I've learned to trust them.

You are very much not in the wrong and being the bigger person doesn't mean enabling discrimination (tell your dad this).

Start being pointed when he ignores you and remain friendly & warm at other times (if you're happy to), that might shake him out of his rudeness while maintaining a balance with your sister. Or just call him out on it.

You don't have to be a doormat to be nice, op

So sorry to hear that @ViaCrucis1689. I think you should ask your parents to observe him in future. Maybe he was nervous or something, I'm hoping. Ultimately if he's like that then he's unlikely to be a decent partner for your DSis either tbh.

No, he didn't say hello multiple times I was there when he came over to her house when I was there or goodbye to me when he did greet and say goodbye to the others.

I'm not asking for attention, but it'd be nice to be acknowledged as part of the familial group and as a person. My ex brother-in-law wasn't very friendly either, so I got used to not expecting a relationship with him, but he at least didn't ignore me when saying hello or goodbye. I don't think I'm asking a lot...just common courtesy.

It was obvious to my dad, so I don't think I am making this about me just because I "want attention," but he keeps making excuses for the guy.

I think I was just hoping when I did that the last time, it would have broken the ice, so to speak, and it was a disappointing outcome. I know I have to be the bigger person because I can only control my actions and reactions. I don't live near them, so at least I only have to deal with this occasionally and steel myself for each encounter.

I guess the biggest fear I have is that I will always prove myself to him that I'm human and part of her family.

Write him a nice letter...

Dear twattycock,

Please keep being an ignorant shit weasel like a tosser that enjoys tossing off his gnat cock.

Get thee to fuck knobby.
Yours.

And then ignore the prick and don't let him bother you, if your sister tries to talk to you about him, tell her you couldn't give a shiny shit. Of your parents try to talk about him, tell them to shove their heads up each others backsides and go sit down.

(I'm being silly on purpose btw)

Honestly. Stop wasting g your energy on those that don't deserve it and don't worry about offending anyone that doesn't worry about offending you. ❤️

Honestly, I think it’s a little weird you’re so upset about this. If your sister only got divorced last year, she can’t have been with this man very long, so surely you are, along with your parents and other sister, just background noise to his relationship with your sister?

I’m very fond of both my sisters, but their longterm partners (one of six years, now recently ended, one of eight and counting), are just vaguely pleasant background people to me. I have better manners than your sister’s guy, so it’s probably not obvious when we meet, but you say yourself you’re not close to your sister, so I imagine he’s absorbed that, and doesn’t think you’re someone he needs to put himself out for? And, if you’re not close to your sister, why does it matter so much whether her boyfriend says hello and goodbye to you or not?

And sure, he could also be disablist, or terrified to say anything to you in case he can’t understand your reply (how impairing is your speech difference?), in which case he’s not worth bothering with.

Next time you see him and he ignores you shout " Oi, prick". You will definitely get a response then 😉

I find it hard to get because you seem over invested in this

If he is deliberately ignoring you that is rude but if if a person appears over invested even if they are being ignored I am not sure of their judgement of a situation

If I felt deliberately ignored I would think bit rude and move on and just get on with my life

Whatever is actually the case ’m really sorry for you that your own parents would think your appearance/disability warrants you being ignored. Any adult that doesn’t know how to respond to difference is a twat. A child being apprehensive is one thing but a grown man? And everyone thinks that’s acceptable?!
Jesus. That’s so upsetting to read.

Maybe because she and my other sister are the ones who will be my only family really involved in my life when my parents are no longer here, and I've been trying to cultivate my relationship with her.

I'm about as close with her as my parents are, so I don't think he'd take that as a sign I'm the odd one. We get along when we're together. Heck, I have more contact with her than my dad does because I initiate it. My mom has to initiate contact with her as well. Maybe I just want to be treated with common courtesy. I was taught to acknowledge people, and I think it's super rude when someone acknowledges everyone except one person.

As for my speech, I'd say 95% of people can understand it if they listen and pay attention, or so I'm told.

Thanks...I'm not sure when it became okay for people not to have the common courtesy to not greet or say goodbye to someone. I'm not asking for a relationship with the guy or even a conversation.

I agree, his behaviour sounds awful. How strange of your dad to be making excuses for him ?

If your sister notices /finds out about this and is still wanting to date him then that speaks volumes about her and your relationship with her.

But you get who you get. He sounds rude, but he’s a minor bit-player in your life, and you’re giving him far too much power and headspace! He doesn’t acknowledge you, and you’re upset enough to bring it up with your father, and to get tearful when talking about him potentially acknowledging you?

This man is not someone you should be wasting headspace on. If you won’t address it directly with him (do you talk to him, incidentally?), then just ignore him, and focus on improving your relationship with your sister, if that really matters to you? I’m not sure I understand what it is that links your disability to you saying you need to work on your relationship with your sisters, as they’re all the family you will have once your parents die — do you live with your parents?

So he said goodbye to his elders ( your parents ) with a respectful handshake to dad and a friendly hug to mum, and a general ' bye guys ' to everyone else,
whilst you were messing around on the floor doing something with your handbag thus ignoring his departure ?

but you wanted a specific goodbye just to / for you ?

no kiss on the cheek to your sister i.e. his girlfriend
no ' hi 5 ' or ruffle of the 2 year old's hair or whatever a man may say goodbye to a child ?

but you wanted a specific goodbye just to / for you
'whilst I was about 4 feet off to the side, kneeling on the floor, getting something out of my bag, but I was watching all of the interactions, not ignoring the interactions at all.'
whilst you were ignoring the goodbyes..

I do live with them currently, and hopefully, I'll be in an independent living situation when we move closer to my sisters or other family. Right now we're in a very rural area.

She will have control over my inheritance (google special needs trusts) so I will have to rely on her to receive what I need. I want to feel part of the family, and up until now, everyone has treated me with some semblance of decency.

I guess it's because I don't feel supported with how my parents just tell me to accept he's acting like a jerk towards me and then act like he's such a great guy (at least my mom is).

I’m so sorry you are being treated like an un-person by this man, your sister, and to an extent the family as a whole as they embrace him. Its awful.

I think you should tell your parents how it makes you feel when they excuse him for a start.

As for him, there are so many aspects of the story relating to him that suggest he's a total dick. If he doesn't say hello / goodbye - call out - goodbye #dick! don't let him get away with opting out of common courtesy.

But honestly, he doesn't sound good enough to try to forge any friendship with him.

How is your relationship with your other sister? could you confide in her?

I think I would ignore him completely when you see him unless he addresses you directly and then respond on exactly the same manner he addresses you if he does. Just don't go out of your way to make friends with him.

I would also talk to your parents about the special needs trust because whatever your physical disabilities are you seem perfectly capable of making decisions about your own future based on your posts here.

When the family are all together having a chat, bring up a situation in which you have been discriminated against in the past and how horrible it was. You might be able to shame the cunt into behaving.