Hard to get, or disinterested?

[NameChanger1011]

Met a girl through university recently - I'm a 22 year old male, she's a 22 year old female.

We’ve had a few text conversations, usually after she’s needed my help with a project. 6 days ago I messaged her to ask for something, which led to a 30 minute conversation. Since then, we’re in a back-and-forth exchange, usually once a day. I would turn this into something more frequent/regular conversation except she replies quite slow...

I used to reply fairly quickly (although I’ve slowed down recently to match her). Sometimes she will read my messages (i.e., they will have been marked as 'seen'), before eventually replying a few hours later (which makes me quite surprised she remembered!). Sometimes nearly 24 hours later she will reply, after I've spent 23 hours wondering if I've just been left on read and that she won't reply again.

But the energy in our conversation is good, and we have a few things in common as well – her replies often seem to encourage further conversation (despite being fairly brief usually), and she often laughs excessively at my jokes (think hahahahahahaha in response to a joke that would barely make me smile). She doesn't tend to ask too much about me or my life - I tend to be doing most of the initiating of conversation.

How do I proceed from here on out?

• Do I assume she’s playing hard to get, or do I take her slow replies as disinterest? Surely if she was disinterested, she would simply stop replying?
• Do I reply quicker, or continue to match her?
• Is it my role to do most of the initiating as the man? She responds to my conversation starters really well and the energy is great when we're both online simultaneously - and I really enjoy it - but otherwise it's quite slow and I feel like I'm doing quite a lot of work to keep it going.
• For context, our only communication is via text - I have only met her twice in person and never really spoken much on those occasions. Meeting in person going forward is very unlikely simply due to us being based on different campuses.

I like her, but I'm struggling to work out whether she is replying to my messages and chatting away (sometimes even at 2AM...) to be polite, or whether she is also into me.

Do people tend to reply if they're not that into someone? She definitely does not need my help with her project going forward as she's recruited a few volunteers now - so why does she reply? And if she is interested, why so slow?!

Clearly, I need help and I wasn't too sure where best to ask😂

“Do people tend to reply if they're not that into someone? ”

Yes. Unless they’re doing OLD.

“so why does she reply? ”

Out of politeness? Because you’re messaging her and requiring a response?

“And if she is interested, why so slow?”

I don’t think she is interested. Not in THAT way at least. I think she likes you as a person but doesn’t fancy you.

If I was keen on a guy and wanted it to progress to something more I’d probably be a bit speedier with replying and I’d be initiating contact too, and looking for excuses to meet up.

Yep, she’s not that interested but is polite.
Take care not to push for fear of being creepy.

You don’t want her to be rolling her eyes every time she sees your message, or, be talking to her friends about “this creepy guy.”

Out of politeness? Because you’re messaging her and requiring a response?
I don't go out of my way to message her if that makes sense. It's just like one continuous conversation that gets picked up once or twice a day, and sometimes turns into quicker back-and-forth for periods of 30ish minutes occasionally.

She does not have to engage in these conversations (especially at 2AM, which seems to be the time that we speak the most...), nor does she have to put in the effort she does on those occasions. If she didn't put energy into these interactions, I would definitely call it disinterest - but she does, every single time.

Immediately after I wrote this thread, she replied within 30 seconds of me replying to her pending message. It truly is totally unpredictable and has me in a complete spin.

I feel like she is doing too much for 'politeness' and not enough for 'interested' - almost like she's on the fence between the two.

How about you just ask her out for a drink? That will give you your answer and save you all this angsting.

Well it sounds like you think she's interested.

So ask her out.

Just ask her out and stop all this fannying around.

The long time before a reply is because she's busy. Your text arrives while (say) she's in a lecture/ supermarket shopping/ out with mates in the pub etc etc. She might read it but she's not in a position to stop and write a reply.

Finally she's back from her night out, she's winding down, she catches up on her WhatsApp threads at 2am.

You are currently in friend territory and it can't move out of there while you stay solely on texts. If you want to give it a go, say you'll be over near her campus on x date for <spurious reason>, would she like to meet for a coffee / drink / dinner. You might as well go for it, nothing to lose!

She's messaging in the way one would message a friend. So you reply when you have time, it's not a priority, and sometimes you have time/inclination to message them a bit more back and forth if you are at a loose end.....

That doesn't mean she doesn't have the POTENTIAL to like you as more as a friend. Who knows? Only her. (And you will too if you ask her out, and see what she says).

Please just be careful about all this over-analysis of her texting style tho - it all sounds a bit intense, and a bit likely to drive you mad. We can't possibly know what she feels, as not all women are the same and we don't all do the same thing in the same circumstances. I have friends who would totally expect the man to make the running, others who live in the modern world (!) and would ask you out of they were interested. Same with men - you aren't all the same.

Just ask her out, and/or stop obsessing! I mean that kindly.

Hang on, you’ve met her twice for a uni project, you text one another, and you’re automatically viewing this in potentially sexual terms? Slow down, stop analysing the length of her ‘hahahaha’s and her response times, and ask her out if you fancy her.

I first spoke to her in December, had a few text conversations between then and January, but it didn't turn into an everyday back-and-forth until last week. But neither of us are able to see each other due to our packed schedules and how far away we are geographically.

But the general consensus is I need to not worry about it being too soon, and just grow a backbone and ask her so that is what I will do. Some responses made me chuckle at myself too so thank you all!

No, she is potentially interested, that's a lot of texting (1-2 a day and with 30minute ones late at night). Probably waiting for you to ask her out but also has a life and responds slow sometimes - or doesnt want to seem too keen. HOw far away are you? If you can't realistically date, what's the point? Or do you mean you can, just can't be spontaneous re meeting up?

Gotta love the good old days, my husband asked me out and I said yes and we were together.

When did it all get so complicated?

Just ask her out. Then you'll know either way.

The only way to know for sure is to ask her out.

If she's interested, great! If not, you'll know.

But analysing text response times isn't the way to do it. She could be busy, asleep, working - anything.

@NameChanger1011 - good on you for resolving to ask her out. Good luck!

What do you actually want? Shit or get off the pot springs to mind. If you like her ask her out stop making excuses. If you can't even find the time to date why are you even wasting each other time?

Aaahh, the days of getting into conversation when you were having a drink in the pub with mates/colleagues and it was do I fancy him? yes/no....

Life isn't about working out what people might be thinking and feeling. It's about recognising that people you have to work out aren't for you.

If she's giving you signals, and you're having to work out what they might mean by using a forum, then the two of you aren't clicking. If you're not sure what she's trying to tell you, and you don't instinctively ask her, you're not clicking. You don't need 'a backbone' in a healthy match, because the relationship flows, and is reassuring.

There's a lot of advice saying you should ask her, but I'd say that the best advice is 'be yourself'. That's what you've done so far, and that's what's led you and her into a position where you sit at a computer on your own, and neither of you have any idea how the other one feels. Keep going. If you see each other socially, at some point, something will happen; she'll say/do something, or you will, and things will become clear. But don't force it due to a negative self judgement like 'I don't have enough backbone'. Maybe your backbone is fine, and your timing is great too because something in you knows to wait for a time in the future that'll offer you both the perfect opportunity to express your feelings. Trust your instincts. If you're not driven to make your feelings plain, don't.

Respectfully, OP, that’s even madder. You’ve only been texting one another since last week, causing you to engage in this deep analysis of her response times, and there’s no possibility of seeing one another because of your schedules and geographical distance, anyway!